December 25th

Well, we have just finished our first Christmas without Daniel on this earth with us.
It's funny how just the anticipation of this day has taken it's toll on us all.  Daniel loved Christmas very much.  And although he was blessed to spend last year with Therese and her wonderful family, it still felt different not having him near us.  Last year we Skyped and I would give ANYTHING to have at least that this year. 

The holidays are hard on families and friends who have lost loved ones.  The first is always the most difficult it seems.  When we lost the baby it was February, so we had a little time to prepare our selves.  And we had already endured many other milestones before Christmas arrived. (I found Easter very hard for some reason that year...).  Today my heart ached for so many.  People I know who lost parents (any loved one actually) and of course parents who lost children.  It's not easy when you are used to spending the holidays as a family.  Traditions, a seat that is now empty.  There is a void everyday but it's amplified when days like this aren't as they should be. I, for one, am fortunate to have so many people who care about me, and who think of my children, sending love and wishes our way.  We wouldn't be able to enjoy anything without the love and support we have received.  But you know, in lots of ways, December 25th is like most days.  We miss Daniel every single minute of all days...and today wasn't any different.  He was a huge part of our lives, he loved us, he was the life of the party every year since his very first Christmas.  We missed that today.  Lainey hung three stockings, and Santa only filled two.  When I shopped this season I found so many things I wanted to buy him, but I couldn't.  Such a humble boy.  Our forever thankful Daniel.

I saw Julian the other day and Kayne, Kurt and Jordan came over today. We saw Taylor and Kyle at the ski hill...I can not tell you how much their hugs mean to us.  I know they all miss him more than they can describe.  These boys (and many others) have been through so much, but they still took time out of their busy day to make a big deal about us. The friends who couldn't be here this year made sure to send their love one way or the other.  It was the best part of my Christmas in a lot of ways.  Knowing that they made a promise to remain close to Daniel's brother and sister...and to me.     A lot can be learned from this group of friends.  Daniel's friends, Derrick's friends, Frankie's friends, Neil's friends, Gerald's friends.

Also, December 24th is Steven's birthday.  Aside from last year, I am not sure Daniel ever missed his dad's special day.  Steven and Lisa always come home and Daniel always spent the evening with them.  Tonight, I want to say...Steven...Happy Birthday.  I am so pleased to have been able to be with you and Lisa and your family for a visit last night. Thank you for my boy.  He has your looks, your walk, your teeth.  He was very proud of you.  And despite how complicated life sometimes got, Daniel loved you so much.  He was proud to be french, and he loved that he looked like you.    Thank you for loving Joel and Lainey.  And I wish for wonderful days ahead for you with some peace in your heart and soul.



Merry Christmas everyone.
Hug your children, your parents, your friends.
Let people be who they need to be.
Don't judge, be sweet.
Lead by example, don't push.
But most of all, never be afraid to tell the people that matter how you feel.
Tell them what they mean to you.
Let them know that they are important and meaningful.
It's not weak, on the contrary it's brave.
We need to have more love in this world.
Love is louder.


Be well,
Stace

Love Rescue Me

Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me

Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky
Makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said, love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
See the dark shades of what I used to be
See the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

Yea, though I walk
In the valley of shadow
Yea, I will fear no evil
I have cursed thy rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me


I said love
Climb up the mountains,
I said love, oh my love
On the hill of the son
I'm on the eve of a storm
And my word you must believe in
Oh, I said love, rescue me


Yeah I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me

I Wish For Better Days Ahead

I wish for better days ahead.  Days that we don't wake up with news of another one taken too soon.

This blog sure is sad.  I wish there was better news to report week to week but unfortunately there is always another hurdle to jump, another tear to shed and another bit of broken heart.

This week this poor little town lost another child.  Another of Daniel's friends, a close friend to Frankie Brunetti,who joined Daniel in September. His name is Gerald Wesley Mower.  Gerald was like a brother to many I care about.  He grew up in Revelstoke and has hundreds of friends.  I knew Gerald and I liked him very much.  He was so sweet to me when I saw him for the first time after we lost Daniel (of course he was always sweet to me when he saw me...but this time, of course, was different).  He hugged me so tight and wept with me.  He shared with me his love and respect for Daniel and assured me, if there was anything he could ever do for me, he would be there.  I know that he and Daniel didn't ALWAYS see eye to eye but he respected Daniel for having his own mind and thoughts, and always, sometimes after they both cooled off, came back to being friends.  Gerald, like Frankie, is a year older than Daniel but they shared a close knit group of friends.  So close that when I see the list of pallbearers, the repetitive names
BREAKS MY HEART!!!   I know for a FACT that there are a very many people reading this right now who have never had this important job bestowed on them.  It makes me sad that I had to choose people in Daniel's life to do it.  I feel awful.  At the time I was trying so hard not to forget someone and in fact, maybe some wished they had been over looked.  It is NOT RIGHT to have to carry the coffin of your best friend at such a young age.  But what do we mothers do?  How do we choose?  I want so badly to go back in time and start this year all over again.  Many sons and daughters in this community who are under the age of 30 have way too many funeral remembrance cards in their dresser drawers.  Daniel has Derrick Smith's, and now I save all of the others for him.  The pile is too large.  I can't believe it. 

We are not supposed to outlive our children.  And 20 yr olds are not supposed to bury their friends.  Somehow, somewhere, things got really backwards.
I wish I had more wise words, but I am lost.  I am lost without answers and left with more questions.

To All the Moms and Dads out there who have had to watch their children's hearts break, I wish you well helping them through these sad days.  It's not easy for me to see the ones Daniel loved the most live through sorrow and grief, so I can imagine their parents.

To all of Gerald's friends, be brave tomorrow and always.  Hold each other tight.  And i hope the tears will stop soon.  There HAS to be better days ahead........

Aurora

A quick note, for I have a heavy heart again today.

Sorrow fills my days, but today, many friends and loved ones said good bye to an amazingly sweet and loving lady, Aurora Maria Angelozzi.

I have had the good fortune of knowing Aurora for about 25 years.  I first met her when I was in high school and believe me, she didn't change one bit from the first day. I enjoyed her meals, her lasagna, her gnocchi and her always sweet words when I was young and although I did not see her often, she never forgot me and she always made time when out paths crossed.  She would always ask about my children.  She would tell me all about hers too, her every growing family, her 6 grandchildren whom she loved so much.
Aurora's 3 children have been a part of my life and Steven's and even Daniel's.  Aurora was there to shed a tear when we said good bye to my baby,while she watched her son Marcy carry his tiny casket on that fateful day.  Her heart broke when she heard about Daniel, she told me.  And why wouldn't it?  She watched Daniel grow, undoubtedly hearing stories from Marcy and Llonda (whom Daniel called Auntie and Uncle).
You see, Marcy is Steven's closest, dearest friend. We all went to school together and he has been a part of Steven and Lisa's and even Daniel's life since day one.  He has held Steve up through easily the hardest times in his life.  He has been a rock, a comforter and a friend of all friends.  He is a good, good man who has the heart of his mother.  He has even dried my tears, made me laugh and comforted me in these past years, and when it really counts...Marcy has always been there.

Marcy, thank you doesn't nearly touch the magnitude of love we have for you.  From me, thank you for your kind words and loving spirit.  Thank you for being with Steven and Lisa in all of these dark days...now it is our turn to help you and your family through this holiday season and all the days ahead, as we remember your sweet mother who raised three beautiful children and whose heart was always full of peace and love.

I wanted to write tonight because I care very much for Vince, Lena, Camillo and Marcy and all of their families and even though days, months and even years go by, you are all never far from my heart.  Your mother is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing and she will not be forgotten.  The world was always a better place with people like her in it.  I know she was greeted in the heavens by her parents, her siblings and even my 2 boys, and there was a huge celebration of joy!  For what she was on this earth, she is a million times more with all of them.

Rest easy Aurora, we will see you soon. I look forward to the celebration we have when we are all together again.

One Love xo

The Crown He Wore

Where do I start.

As I sit here wrapping Christmas presents with my daughter I am ready to share my thoughts on yesterday's developments.  Talk about poor timing.  I should wrap presents...but I can't.

Yesterday was almost like August 4th all over again for me.  A huge blow to us all, and I know you all have probably now heard.

I was visited, in my home by two Victoria Police Detectives on Friday afternoon.  I knew they were coming as I received a phone call on Thursday evening from Sgt. Craig Harper, wanting to make sure that I would be home.  There has been some new developments in the case and they wanted to tell me in person.  As you can well imagine, I did not sleep one wink that night as I dreamed up huge elaborate possibilities as to why they would come here to talk to me.  I knew the news could not be good.  Revelstoke seems a long way to come from Victoria. (it's really not, I was told, they would travel all the way across Canada if they had to sometimes).  The two detectives were very pleasant gentleman whose jobs when visiting families can't possibly be their most favorite part.  I had met one of the detectives before and he was as kind and caring as I remembered.  The other was someone new, but kind just the same.    They sat in my living room and got straight to the point.

There has been some developments in the case, one's not disclosed to the public, that have created a complication.  They are (were) no longer able to keep the accused in jail charged with the crime they had charged him with.  As you can all imagine, there is certain criteria that needs to be met in ALL cases, and at this time, the Crown Council can not meet all those terms and he indeed, is now released.  How devastating.  My heart is broken yet again.

Here is what I know.....this is not over.  I cannot in anyway hold the detectives or RCMP responsible for this turn of events.  I know and believe with my whole entire heart that they have always worked diligently to figuring out what happened that fateful night.  I also believe that some day, we will indeed all know the truth.  I don't know when day that will be...but I hold onto the hope that there will be some closure....some day.  I also know, that I (we) can not look to the Canadian justice system for our comfort and healing.  We can not because nothing is going to bring Daniel back.  Nothing is different today than yesterday or tomorrow.  I miss my son.  I miss his laugh and his voice.  I miss how lovingly he spoke to Lainey and how proud he always was of Joel.  We have a huge unchanging void in our life, and its not going anywhere no matter who is in jail or who isn't.

I have spent the last 4 months trying to figure out where to go from here.  How to carry on.  How to find joy and peace, and you know what?  I can find it.  I can laugh, I can have fun  and I can be a lot of things I always was before.  I can kiss my living children goodnight, and watch them both grow into amazing human beings.  But what I can't do is spend any of my emotion on the person responsible for this nightmare.  I have said it before and I will say it until my last day, I refuse to give that person an ounce of my emotions because if I do, I will lose myself in anger and despair.  It's a constant struggle I can tell you that, but it is necessary for survival.  I buried my son on August 11, but with him did not go all of the amazing things he IS and all of the beautiful memories I so cherish of him, and us.

I know that we can never say for certain what happens at our death but, I believe that God has a promise and that there is no way that someone as wonderful as Daniel could exist on this earth and that it ends there. He was a good boy from a good family.  He was not without his flaws or bad decisions.  He made mistakes and bad choices like we all do.  But this is what Daniel didn't do.  He didn't take his life, love or friends for granted.  He loved his life.  He lived it cherishing every moment and all the people in it.  Anyone who was fortunate to be a friend of Daniel's KNOWS that if there was anybody who would be in their corner when the going got tough, it would be Daniel.  When things seemed hopeless, he would gently comfort offering the peace of better days ahead.  Daniel loved with his whole heart. Sorrow would fill him if a friend would share of their suffering from the death of a father, the broken heart of a fiance leaving, the sometimes unbearable pressures from families or jobs.  He would offer his heart and his ear to listen and comfort because Daniel believed that everyone deserved grace and good fortune no matter what troubles had to be faced.  Daniel would say "No matter what happens, I will be your friend and I will stand by your side"   Even in his last day he truly believed that the people he was friends with and whom he chose to spend his time with were worthy of all the love and joy that they were capable of receiving.  He did not believe that there was NO good somewhere in everyone.  He did NOT believe that there are people on this earth who set out to intentionally hurt and deceive others they claim to care for.  That sort of thing did not exist in Daniel's life, or so he thought.

Daniel wore an invisible crown from the day he was born. It was not a halo (believe me) but it was a crown that sometimes shone so brightly I could not see anything else.  His crown was made of love, forgiveness, trust and grace.  Things maybe so rare and precious, they glittered right into the sparkle in his eye.  Did this make Daniel different than most people?  Maybe.  Did it make him vulnerable to people's evil deceiving ways?  So it does seem. But I remember it as if it were yesterday, that first day that I saw it....and I will never forget.


I could go on and on about what sets Daniel apart, but tonight this blog is about what's left behind and where we go from here.

I say publicly right now that it matters not to me who walks this earth free.  I have hope everlasting and much joy and love to give still on this earth and I intend on keeping on until I breathe no more.  I am not better, I am not over it and I AM going to have my bad days, probably forever. BUT ...I refuse to let this get the best of me.  Daniel has siblings, a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and scores of friends that will never be far from my heart. My children deserve better than all this hurt and Daniel deserves better than what has happened.  He is forever my firstborn son whom I adore.  No one, on this earth can take that away from me and I pity the soul who does not have the love and support that Daniel has always had and will forever still, even in his death.

Rest easy my beautiful son...you did not die in vain, this is not over and I will fight every day of my life to make sure you are never forgotten or ignored.  You heart is my heart, just as I carried you in my womb and you life depended on mine...I promise there will be peace and justice.  One way or another.

Daniel, my Daniel.....I miss you so

xo

PS....Thank you to Tekarra Wilkinson for all the beautiful pictures you took of Daniel after his move to Victoria.  You opened a window for all of us to see him in his last few weeks of his life.  I am FOREVER grateful.

Hold Your Head High

Well I know that I really should have posted again on here before now.  Some people are probably wondering what the results were of the appearance on Tuesday afternoon in Victoria.  I wish that I had something to report on...but I do not.  Unfortunately, no plea was entered on that day.  The defense team declared they do not have enough "disclosure".  They need more time.... Here's a newsflash...I want more time with Daniel...oh that's right!  I don't get that luxury.  Not exactly fair that the person that murdered him gets more time to make up stuff that isn't true and about what happened that night.  Anyway, the judge decided that it was okay that the defense wasn't ready yet and has now adjourned court again until
January 10th. 
Now that I have been clearly sarcastic and my first paragraph is dripping in disgust, I will now share the wise words of a man who's thoughts and heart I truly treasure.  Not very long after this happened to me, my friend Gary sat beside me, watched me cry and very tenderly told me the words that echo in my head.  They echo often when I start feeling like I just expressed in this blog.  We must not look to the justice system for comfort or even hope.  The fact of the matter is, no punishment will ever be enough for that coward, and absolutely nothing that comes of this will ever bring Daniel back.  Therefore, I (we all) need to not look towards these days ahead for comfort.  And it's hard to do.  The defense not entering a plea really doesn't change much of anything.  The facts remain...Daniel is gone, the person responsible is still in jail...and time is always going to keep ticking along....but I found myself very disappointed on Tuesday.  It was a VERY bad day for me...but i know that those days will come...and I can't stop them.  What I do take comfort in is the out pouring of love and affection Joel, Lainey and I constantly experience.  It really is what keeps our heads above the water...so that maybe THIS week, wont be as difficult as LAST week.

As I re read my last post I discovered that some of what I wrote was missing??? I don't know how that happened!!  I shared last week my return to work.  It's been almost 4 months and I have started back slowly with a graduated to work plan with my employer.  Part of why I shared it was because I wanted to publicly thank my brothers and sisters of the Teamsters Canada Rail Conference Local 657 Revelstoke, and also my immediate supervisors at Canadian Pacific.  I have been blessed with understanding and care and generosity that far surpasses anything I would have dreamed.  Although I have not had a lot of service with the company and my peers, I very much felt the love and care from everyone and I am so very thankful.  It is good to be back, even at a limited capacity ....good to get my mind working again and I look forward to better days ahead when I am able to be truly well after all of this.  It seems far away in some respects, but I know I have already come so far since August 4th. (the day I was told of his death).

Another major milestone happened this week that I would like to share.   Daniel's cemetery marker was installed (also on Tuesday <---- possibly why Tuesday was so hard)  It is absolutely beautiful.  I really want to share a picture of it but I wanted to give a warning before I do.  I will not post it tonight but on my next post  I will.  I just know that there are many people who aren't able to see it in person.  It made me so sad :(  It makes it so final.  I am so tired of choosing headstones for my children.  I do not want to choose another and I beg God daily that he will never take another from me.  It is without a doubt THE most unnatural thing to do in this world.  Burying a child.  And choosing the final marker, to show that a life WAS LIVED...is not a nice thing to do.  I wanted it so perfect...fitting for my son(s) the most beautiful.  I miss them so much :(  My heart is so sore. 

In closing I would like to share an excerpt of one of Daniel's writings...and although it mentions me in it, I read and re read this writing daily.  We all have something we can learn.

WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END

(edited for language...sorry Daniel xo)

March 03, 2009

When will this nightmare end?  When you decide to wake up

Your life is what you make it, listen up. 

people who think they have it so much worse than others are simply absurd

today is a day i cannot forget because today would be the day that my 

brother turned 16. 

be thankful for what you have

if my mother can carry on through the hurt she has felt in her life 

than f*ck it, so can you.

think about those who don't live in a warm house, 

with no food to eat. 

remember the people in the world who have little to nothing, 

who are persecuted for the colour of their skin 

or 

the creed of their beliefs. 

realize how lucky you are. 

everyone feels pain, 

everyone experiences loss on all scales. 

you are not, and never will be, alone in your struggles. 

(no matter how you may like to think so.)

quit taking things for granted, 

that is how you lose them forever

make something of your life,

rinse the self pity from your skin 

at this age we are capable of overcoming any obstacle in lieu of allowing them to dominate our lives every single day.

look to those who have been there and over come their problems,

these people surround you because they are everyone. 

one of my best friends lost nearly an entire year of his life and is now more dedicated to making a good and happy life for him than almost anyone else i know, and for that,

i love and respect him more than i ever thought i could.

so there's your answer, anyone searching for it, in the wise words of khrystal fitzmaurice..

"you're nightmare will end when you decide to wake the ____ up" 

Hold your head high......
Stace

An Update

Here's a little update....unfortunately I am a little too cynical and numb to be very inspiring tonight...
I almost didn't write but I feel I should considering the date tomorrow.
It's November 22, the date of the person who took my son's life's third court appearance.  The day that he is to make an official plea...guilty or not guilty. 
I really don't know what the hold up has really been because I think we all know that this person has no intention of taking any responsibility for doing what he clearly did.  The only two people in that apartment that fateful day.  One is dead...the other is not.  How is there any real question as to guilt?  This is the part of our legal system that I will indeed, never understand...and never really did before. 
Oh those glorious days when I never imagined this would be a life I would know so intimately.  I am the mother of a murdered child.  The mother who has buried two sons. 
My very good friend Jennifer and I are the kind of people who watch Dateline, or W5 the Passionate Eye.  We have always been two people most interested in reading fascinating, albeit heart wrenching tales of lives lost.  Discussing over and over what we think may have happened, and why.  When this first had happened to Daniel, Jen said to me "This isn't supposed to happen to one of us...we are the ones who watch these shows!!"  Now it is real...Law and Order, CSI....wtf.

I had the privilege of talking to Sgt Craig Harper.  He is a very kind man who has talked to more than his fair share of grieving parents I am sure.  It's people like him and the others on his team, who do their best to make this world a better place.  It can not please him in anyway to have to call people like me and talk about the "case" , but, without people like me, people like HIM, wouldn't have a job.  Actually, let me rephrase that....without that person who murdered my son, people like Sgt. Harper, wouldn't have a job.  There, that makes more sense. 

I know that Daniel's murder is a terribly complicated case.  But never once, even in my most darkest moments, have I ever doubted the abilities of the men and women who have been doing their best to have the person responsible for all of our pain, punished.

Here is what news I can share......
that's right...nothing much.  There isn't a lot they can tell me.  Everything is confidential for the most part, even kept secret from me.  I wish it weren't that way, but I don't make the rules, and neither do the police.  One of the investigators described it to me like this....imagine the building of the case like a ladder.  Every time you let out any little detail its like removing a wrung.  It weakens.  And I can admit, that even though I am a very good secret keeper, it would be most difficult to not speak of things I am not supposed to.

And, you see, this person who deserves not a single ounce of fairness, has a RIGHT to a fair trial.  Pfft...as if.  Daniel didn't get a fair anything in all of this.

*  There has been no application for bail at this point, and the Victoria Police will fight any application they get for it.  They even have special officers whose job is to have a package ready for why they oppose bail. 
*  There will be a preliminary trial sometime in the spring most likely.  This is done in front of a judge at a provincial level.  It's something like a mini trial where a judge will decide if there is enough evidence at that time to continue on.  After that is moved forward, the Crown Council polishes their case, to present in Supreme Court.
*  Second Degree Murder is a Federal Offence which MUST be tried in the Supreme Court in front of a jury.  The only time a jury is not involved is if both sides agree to a trial by judge only, but this is not very common.
*  It will indeed be a very long time for this to actually take place.  2 years from the offence is not uncommon, and to expect it much earlier than that, is unwise.
On that note....for those of you who think it's taking too long and you want to know "what's the hold up", know this....it is going as quickly as it can possibly go.  Sgt. Harper said to me that we need to be almost thankful that there isn't a trial anytime soon.  Because if there was, he would probably get off.  Why? Because they don't have all their evidence analysed, or in order.  That is where the real hold up is.  When a piece of evidence needs to be processed, it has to be sent to Ottawa.  Canada's CSI lab.  Realize this, life isn't like a tv show.  I imagine that shows like CSI must be so frustrating to watch.  "QUICK!!  I need this DNA processed STAT!!"  ha  and an hour later its done...not so is the Canadian system.  Some evidence takes 6 months to come back.  AND...they cant send new things to be processed until the first batch of things comes back...sit...and wait....and my son is still gone.

I am truly thankful for people like Sgt. Craig Harper, and Det. Mike Darling and their colleagues because I know they aren't taking this lightly....and neither am I.



For those of you who sent letters about Daniel, I thank you.  Thank you for taking time out of your day to do that for him.  You all know that he would do the same for you.  For those who are on the fence about it what are you waiting for?  Please put a pen to paper, even if it is only 4 lines long, it would mean the world to him and I believe that ever word on ever paper opened in that Victoria office is read and cared for.  They will all go into a file kept for the Crown Council to read and know how much this boy was loved.  He deserves a million letters....because I promise you, every letter about Daniel just compounds the lack of love and support for this person who took our dear Daniel away from us.  He has no one writing letters about him...this I can guarantee.   Here is the address again (take note of the new name you can write to if you haven't already started)

ATTN: SGT. Margo Downey
2881 Nanaimo Street,
Victoria, B.C.,
V8T 4Z8

For those of you who pray, please give some extra attention to tomorrow.
My dear friend Laurel Russell will be in the courtroom at 1500 tomorrow proudly holding a picture of my little boy because I can not.
 

He is not just a name.
He is not just a victim.
He is not just Victoria's second homicide of 2011.
He IS
Daniel Jordan Levesque.
The Poet.
The Musician.
The most wonderful.
My dear boy.

I miss him so much :(


Stace xo

Kayne

So, Today is Kayne Cameron's 19th birthday. 
For those of you who don't know Kayne, he is one of Daniel's most loved best friends.  Now please, anyone who is reading this do not be offended...I beg you...Daniel had so many amazing friends, friends he cared so deeply for.  Friends he would move mountains for...and they would do the same for him.  I don't know if I have ever known anyone so loved as Daniel is.  He touched so many lives and befriended the friendless and the easy to love, equally.
But Kayne had a different part of his heart.
Daniel did not know Kayne as long as many of his close friends.  They did not play together as little boys, but, the day they met, Daniel said, he felt like he had a brother he finally met.
Daniel adored Kayne.
He worked with him at Coopers, he partied (too much) with him...he told Kayne his secrets and Kayne did the same.  What many of you don't realize is a connection not even known to Daniel until a couple of years ago.
He one time said to me
"Mum, i just can't explain the connection I have with Kayne"  
and I said...
"I can".  
You see, the day Daniel told me he had made a new friend, I knew.

                                                            
The day my baby died, as I sat on my chair holding him wailing and screaming.  In walked the paramedics to take him from my arms.  They were the two most wonderful and compassionate women.  Both mothers, they cradled him and looked after him as if he was their own...knowing by  looking at him there was nothing they could do.  They tried so hard to console me, while tears streamed down even their own faces.  I will never forget either of them as long as I live.  I am fortunate to end up knowing them both on a personal level...a connection I could never forget. Kellie Christy and Suzie Cameron.

Amongst all of my memories that day, all of my anguish, all of my tears I remember this sentence
"I have a beautiful blond boy at home who is around the same age.  He looks just like him"  
She was crying, I was crying....we all were crying.  This, of course was baby Kayne.  Kayne would have been a bit older of course.  They are 4 months apart.  Today is his 19th birthday, and Kiki wont be 19 until March.
I have always believed that the connection was made that day.  I am not sure if Suzie saw Daniel or not at the house, but I do know that her AND Nel loved him like they had known him forever.  And when Kayne and Daniel met, the sparks kinda flew I think, and their souls officially connected.


You could often see them kissing and hugging.  They were always happy and funny together...not always agreeing I am sure...but always on each others sides.  Kayne and Molly went to visit Daniel in July in Victoria.  Daniel was so excited.  His fb status had a count down ending on the day Kayne got there with
" kaynekaynekaynekayne!!! yessss Kayne Cameron! YES YES YES!" I know they had a blast, the pictures tell me, and so did Daniel.  I am so happy that they had that time...it was their last kisses and hugs.
Their goodbye .

I wish to write about all his friends on here.  The ones he loved the most, and I will.  Hard thing is, he loved so many.  I know today, if Daniel could pick ONE party to come back for, he would have chosen tonight.  How he would love to see Kayne show his ID to the bouncer at the Regent, and hear him say...
"You turned 19 today?  I thought you were 19 already"...haha.
Because I am almost sure...that's exactly how it went.

Happy Birthday Kayne Cameron.  Your big brother in Heaven is watching you...loving you and wishing you to feel the joy you always felt together.  I love you. We all love you.  xoxo

Total Brilliance

Oh boy am I having a bad day.    I am so disappointed in how some people treat others.  I am not directly referring to the obvious, which would be how Daniel was treated on August 3rd, but, all in all....our world is sometimes less than desirable.

I am referring to an incident at a local store where I was treated so poorly today,  that I even had to make it my facebook status.  This establishment isn't a place I enjoy going to partly for the fact that Daniel was treated badly at times and, as his mother, I haven't forgotten.

After Daniel died, as a lot of you know, I was blessed with the gift of some of the journals he kept.  A few weeks ago, Joel and I found one, in particular, that he had hidden among some of his things.

The very first page reads like this....

"This is Daniel Jordan Levesque's journal.  If you are reading it there is a chance that I am unaware of it.  If you have any love in your heart, you will not continue reading, as these thoughts are private and not for anyone's eyes but mine"

As tempted as I was to read on, Joel reminded me....that I do indeed love Daniel...and he was asking me, even now, not to read it.
So I didn't.  I still haven't.  And I won't.
I asked Joel to skim through it and see when it was written, and it was when he was in grade 11...a not very fun time in his life....and Joel assured me, there would be nothing helpful in it....so I put it away...BUT...not before a few pages fell out.
I read these.
What they were, were notes on his time at work when he was accused of doing something that he swore (and I still believe) he didn't do.  He was treated poorly and I got to relive it by reading my son's own version of it.  It broke my heart all over again like it did back then.  It matters not now what happened...Daniel dealt with it and it's over....but I hated reading it all over again.

Today, a person who does not know me (not that it matters really if he did know me) spoke to me in such a way that I was so angry I complained about him.  I am not,by nature, a complainer but I could not let this one go.  Even though you may not think this is a place to air such dissatisfaction, I just needed to blog about how someone's uncaring attitude can affect others.

Grief is an unfair emotion.  It displays itself in ways you don't expect.  Like, being upset by someone who means nothing to me....made me cry my eyes out in my car.  You see, in the back of my very busy mind...is the fact that I have lost not 1 but 2 children.  Its always there, like a bad bruise and when it gets knocked, it aches more.

To illustrate further, imagine it like this.  You are playing hockey and you block a shot with your leg.  It hurts and leaves a nasty bruise.  When you go home and ice it, it feels better a bit...kind of throbs...but its tolerable.  You get your mom to bring you a drink and a snack (can you tell I have lived this with Joel) and she makes you feel better.  You're not moving, and your needs are met...maybe tomorrow will be better....Well guess what...tomorrow it feels worsee!! Now it is black and blue and when you are laying in bed maybe you forget about it...you try to walk...it hurts...you've got weight on it...it hurts.... you can feel it's there so you take it easy.  But then your little sister is running by you and accidentally hits your leg with her backpack...OMG!!  Remember that bruise you knew you had and it ached??  Well now you want to punch someone (hopefully not your little sister).  Seems like a simple illustration but its accurate in a lot of ways.  (Although bruises heal and eventually go away grief doesn't.)  The moment your bruise gets hit you don't dwell on the backpack that hit you, you remember that shot you blocked and how much it still hurts.  That's what grief does too...it may be something that is irritating to handle in everyday life, but when the emotions get all stirred up, the grief rears its awful head and the heart aches twice as bad.  What happened today wasn't something any person would have shrugged off, believe me.  Any person would have been upset with how they were treated if they were me, but I thought I would share with you  the journey of grief and how it presents itself in life.
And maybe, we should all think twice about how we treat others because we don't want to be....
A) read about by someone's mother in their journal after their life was taken or....
B) contribute to anyone's already suffering grief by being a jerk to them.
I am not asking for any special treatment because of what has happened to me in my life, but can't we all just get along?

A very good friend of mine shared with me some very fascinating thoughts on life, and death.  Why do I choose to share it tonight? Because it made me feel better when I read it and I think he is a great guy :)

Now, I understand that nobody likes to think of this- but each and everyone of us is living on limited breaths.


Many people live with a fear of death. They take extra precautions to ensure that they extend their
on this earth to its maximum potential. They give up once-in-a-lifetime opportunities out of fear, and rob themselves of a chance for a truly spectacular moment. I truly wish that people would place the same emphasis on the enjoyment of their time here rather than just extension. Wasted moments are wasted moments, no matter how long you are able to live in this life and we all need to understand that no matter who we are, it can all be taken from us in the blink of an eye. What is the point of living forever if we're not making the most of life? This is why it is so critically important to squeeze as much joy out of every moment that we can.

As you live today, be sure to live. Embrace it all, and live as though you are on borrowed time. 
We all are.

Forgive. 
Forget. 
Don't hold grudges. 
Don't worry about the things you cannot change, and change the things you can rather than worrying about them. 
Dance. 
Kiss the girl- this may be your only shot. 
Don't waste energy on embarrassment, nobody is better than you, and nothing gives us the right to judge one another for doing what makes us happy. 
Tell your mom you love her. 
While you're at it, dad too. Their time is limited too, after all and you're certainly gonna miss them when they're gone....That is, if you had the luck to even meet them... Many haven't. 
Remember, any moment that you waste in anger, or envy, or in any way negatively is a moment that you just quite simply can never get back. Many will argue with me on this, but we live with absolutely no guarantee what happens after we die. All we can really live for is the time that we do have before that day, and it would be a damn shame to piss that time away.Live for the guarantee. 
Live for life. 
Live for right now.

If you're old enough to read this, know that people younger than you have died. You are already luckier than many- you have had more of a chance to live than so many unfortunate people, and really don't know if there could be a freak accident tomorrow to end it all. Don't take for granted what you have, which is time. Maybe a limited amount, but time nonetheless. 
Use it.

Of course it's not always going to be easy. The bad days are inevitable. That's life. Nobody's life is perfect, and we're all due to have some bad luck. Make the most of what you can, and try so very hard to focus on the positive aspects rather than the unfortunate circumstances during bad times. Feeling sorry for yourself is going to do nothing but chisel away at the already limited time that you have here and prolong or worsen the impact of pains we endure.Obviously sadness is an emotion we cannot avoid, but please try to remember... We're all in this together, you're never alone, and things will always get better- even when it seems like they never will.

Lastly, know what you're worth. There may be Seven Billion people walking this planet, but each and every one of us is equal, and infinitely valuable. A human life is the most precious commodity on Earth, and should be treated as such. Your value, and your potential are limitless. You will never be replaced, and to the people you affect- you will never be forgotten. Be absolutely sure to chase your dreams, and do what you can to get what you want and what you deserve. Life should be approached with the belief that nothing is impossible, and that we are all capable of our own brand
of complete and total brilliance.

So to end this read I have a few things to add.  Sorry if you find this blog not as inspiring as some.  You see, people think I am so strong and brave but guess what....I don't have a choice.  I have the little ones who depend on me being well and I can't let them down.  I work very hard everyday....just getting up out of bed and you know what?  I have done just that every single day for the last 3 months and 4 days....sometimes I don't want to, but I do.  
Tomorrow is another day and I will be less upset at the world I am sure.  I am happy that my friend shared his thoughts with me, and they are very similar to how Daniel lived his life which I very much like.  I admire my son and all that he is.  He is an inspiration to me still and I will survive all of this because he loves me.
And, there is no greater love in a mother's heart, than for their child, no matter where he/she is.

Stace

PS...If you haven't read my last post entitled "Three Months" please read it if you can.  It's very sad but it has an important request at the end. xo

We miss you buddy

Well summer has come and gone, and Fall has definately showed itself here in Lac La Biche, as Steve and I finish closing the Golf course for the season I have thought of Daniel so very much these last few weeks( not that I havent been everyday) but so much more the last while. As we drive around the Golf course finishing doing our final cuts of the grass I sit in a mower that Daniel sat in last summer and the summer before and the tears roll down my face. Driving in the "gator" that he enjoyed bombing around in with the other kids on the crew, its amazing how little things like that trigger an emotional rollercoaster in my mind.
Last summer was our last summer with Daniel and I am so grateful that he decided to come up and stay. We were so lucky to have him up for 2 summers in a row working for his Dad Steve. As any previous times when he was younger he didn't like getting up at 5 am for work, Ha Ha, I CAN RELATE!!!
But as he got older he also became the responsible young man that we loved having there with us. I was even impressed when he would do some dishes for me :). And yes Stacey I agree, his room was "STINKY".
So now I sit here writting this down because I think its time I did.
First Things First I want to say what an Amazing strong woman Stacey is and has been throughout this whole tragedy, I don't know if I could do what she has done how she has handled everything she has been thrown. And for those who know me well know how "Tough" I can be.
She is a true inspiration.
For those who know me, know that I'm better at "Talking" then writting(yes I chuckle a bit, because I know some of you will think how correct that is) so bear with me as I babble Through this.
Daniel and I have had the typical Step-mom/Step-Son realtionship. I came into Daniels life when he was just 3, just before he lost his baby brother. It was a difficult time for eveyone. I was lucky enough to meet the "kikiman" and will never forget the blonde hair, blue eyed sweetheart. As I will never forget the Handsome Daniel. How can I? I see him everytime I look at his Dad Steven.
Yes Daniel and I had our moments, we butted heads on more then a few occasions. But that was Daniel and his strong personality(like me). I never told Daniel what to do, just what I thought of certain things he didn't want to tell his Mom or Dad, and in a way I treasured the fact that he would only talk to me about these things. Yes we had "talks" but I knew he was smart enough to make the right choices. We became quite close the last 5 years, the day his Dad and I "finally"(chuckle) got married was the day he said to me.."Hey Lisa I can finally call you MOM" I smiled and said..."Yes my SON you can" but in my mind he was a SON way before that Day.
I have a lot of fond memories of Daniel, teaching him to ski, teaching him to fish with his Dad Steven, camping trips where Daniel and I would always catch the most fish. Introducing him to 80's music(he loved it). Last summer was a great summer with him, probably one of our best, taking him out to the Bar with the "Cougars" poor kid didnt have a chance!! Taking him to Edmonton Shopping was another experience I think his Dad Steve was wore out by Mine and Daniels shopping(Chuckle). But Steve did introduce him to "Winners" where he would spend his whole cheque on T-shirts and Hoodies!!!
One thing I could always guarantee from Daniel is he always Thanked me for Dinner and Tell me how amazing it was( never got a chance to teach him to cook:( ..) Loved that about him, always polite and Kind. Stacey did an amazing job with all her kids. Stacey and I might not of been "best" friends but I never questioned how great of a Mother she is.
I am sure I have forgot to write many things down here today, but I can write more again, thats what this Blog is for.
So Christmas nears and and we get ready to head to Revelstoke in December I am so very sad knowing that Daniel wont be with us this year, to also Celebrate his Dad's birthday December 24th as we always do at the Levesques house every year. But I know he'll be there in spirit surrounding all of us, and want us to have a good Christmas, and I'll set a place for him at the table beside his Dad. I'll hold his broken hearted Dads hand and be strong for him, Daniel would want that.
The last thing Daniel said to me or wote on Facebook was "I love you" it is burned into my heart forever. He knew the difficult time I was having with my Mother being diagnosed with Cancer(and has made a full recovery) I think Daniel helped with that. And he took the time out of his day to tell me that, because that was how Daniel "Rolled" as he would say to me out on the Golfcourse.
THANK YOU DANIEL JORDAN LEVESQUE for being such a kind soul.
LOVE YOU, MISS YOU and ALWAYS THINKING OF YOU!!
Your step-mom Lisa Channell- Levesque
xxxxxooooo

Three Months (Version 2)

Bittersweet is an appropriate way to describe my feelings about being on Canadian soil again.  Happy to be home, but it's cold here!  I enjoyed my time with Donna very much and was sad to leave.  God was a really creative guy when he decided a plan for the islands of Hawaii :)

I was able to return home with something quite amazing.  The very vivid memory of my first dream of Daniel.  I wanted to write about it right away, but I couldn't.  I can barely type now as I think of it.  But I do want to share it with you.  I am busting with all sorts of things I want to share but I will try to pace myself so it all makes sense.

When I woke up on Monday morning my heart felt different.  I laid there and had to really think of why I felt that way.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Literally, I felt as though a huge rock was on my sinking heart as I remembered that I had spent some time with my son.
It was not as sweet as Lainey's was, or as special as one would think.  As some of you read you will chalk "dreamimg"  up to maybe the subconscious replaying our true feelings, or maybe you will believe that it is a small way we can connect with ones we have lost in a realm that is not for us to see with our closed minds.  I think it's a little of both.  My dream of Daniel was sort of confusing and not at all what I expected.  And after much thought, I believe that I have been seeing parts of this dream for weeks, as the beginning of it was very familiar, like I had seen it over and over....
I am not sure where we were, or really how we got there, but suddenly I was standing face to face with my Daniel.  He was dressed in that black plaid jacket he used to wear a lot when he was in high school. (kind of the lumberjack style).  As i walked to him, he was kind of sheepish with me.  This was the part I had seen before many times I now realize.  But this time, we spoke.  It was if time had not passed and it felt very natural for me to just say to him, 

"Come on honey, let's just go home"
He said to me, "Mum, I want to but I can't" 
I looked at him, and he was nervous and kind of stand offish and I said 
"Daniel, what's wrong?  How come you can't?"
And he replied to me.  "Aren't you mad at me Mum?"
With tears in his eyes and his bottom lip and chin trembling I embraced him and said,  
"No!  I am not mad at you! Why would I be?"
And he said (now with tears streaming down his face)  
"Because I left you, I didn't want to Mummy"  
"Oh Daniel.  Just come home now.  We will be alright.  I am not mad" 
He said he couldn't come with me but he hugged me tight and said
"Mum, I really wanted to come sooner but I was scared.  I never meant to hurt you and I am so sorry"  I started to cry and told him that I knew it wasn't his fault again and begged for him to come with me and he wouldn't.  To be honest, I felt like I lost him all over again, but he promised me that he would come see me again soon and for me not to cry (as if). 
This is all I remember.  And no matter how you look at why I would dream this, whether it was my own feelings,or his....it's hard to say.  What I do know, and have said it right from the day I found out about his death, is that whatever consciousness he had as his body was giving out on him, his last thoughts were very likely "I can't do this to my Mum" 
Daniel has always tried to spare my feelings and be tender and loving to me.  He knew what I had been through and he didn't want my heart to break anymore.  His deepest wish for me was that I would one day be whole and truly happy again.  He was standing by my side when I found his baby brother in his crib not breathing.  He heard my mournful wails as I held the baby sobbing in my rocking chair waiting for help to arrive.  Although he was only 3 at the time, he had a very vivid memory of that day.  How could he not?  His life was altered abruptly and he went from being a big brother, to being an only child. 
This is what he wrote this last spring.


"It had been almost 16 years.  Nearly, one would say, as the anniversary will be mourned in two months time.  I hate the thought.  I hate and dread the idea of that day's arrival.  It's the same story every year.  My Step Father buys the flowers, my siblings and I sign the card, and the delivery is made.  After the second year, things did not get better for my mother, nor did they get worse.  The same hole was left in her heart.  Same hole, same size.  Each February this day comes.  After Christmas, we just wait.  My siblings know nothing of the true heartache, for they were not yet born.  My Step Father is sympathetic, but only her and I awoke that morning, and for a year past that day, I remember nothing.  That cold February morning in the days of my youth, however is etched into my mind as clearly as the etched letters on my little brother's headstone.  And as the letters have dulled, and acquired their own tainting, so too will the memories of the day that changed our lives become dull.  Dull and tainted, but forever branded on the four corners of my mind"



He was a  sweet child who stood by my side and asked "Mummy what's wrong with the baby?"  Just as Joel stood by my side when the constable came to the door on August 4th to tell me that Daniel was gone.  Joel heard those same wails.  Sounds that only come from a grieving mothers body.  A sound so loud my neighbour heard my screams inside her house and came running to my rescue.  Sounds that are so unnatural, they should not exist.  I did not get to say goodbye to either of my sons.  Not until after they were gone. When the tears were falling from Daniel's eyes in my dream, they looked exactly like the tears that stained his most beautiful face as I cried and begged for him to wake up in his casket.  As I stroked his cold cheeks and wiped the literal POOLS of salty tears from his face, some had dripped into his closed eyes, and it looked like he was crying with me.  It mirrors the image I have of 16 years ago, when I wiped those same brand of tears from my little one's eyes, because he couldn't wipe them himself either.


I am not angry with Daniel.  For really and truly, he only had love in his heart.  He trusted the person who has done such evil.  He cared deeply for the friendship that they shared and he did not know what kind of a real person he is.  He shared this memory with this friend who murdered him.  That person KNEW what he had loved and lost.  He shared very deep parts of his heart with anyone who would listen.  For Daniel always believed that there was good in all things.  He could see the bad...but he knew somewhere...there was good. 
What made Daniel the man that he is, are the same things that got him killed.  This time he trusted and saw the good in someone that fooled him.  I wish I had the time to share with you the things they don't report in the newspapers and on the internet about what kind of mess this really is. 

I have a request.  Today marks the third month we have all had to live without Daniel's earthly presence in our lives.  Something that has bothered me from very early on, is that the investigators did not know who Daniel was.  They don't have Daniel's voice to defend himself and this person who is in custody, has months and months to drum up lies about Daniel and try to discredit who Daniel was.  In these last months I have been blessed with many emails, cards and facebook messages about how Daniel affected people's lives.  I told the investigators that of all the wonderful things I can say about Daniel, it's not just my mother's heart speaking for him.  I told them that I have a a thousand people who would stand up and agree with all the things I had told them.  He was a remarkable human being.  I started to think, what would Daniel have done for someone who meant so much to him, if they had met such a tragic death. What would he do?

He would write.

It would very much please Steven and I if people would take time out of their day, sometime soon, and write a letter to the detectives about Daniel.  About what kind of a person he is.  How he touched their lives and what life is like without him.  What kind of an impact this has made on our community and our world.  I know all of you who read this won't do it, but I know some will.  And I can see it now, letter after letter will appear in the mail, in Victoria, addressed to the lead investigator, simply explaining who Daniel was in life.  Nothing about the person in custody please...he doesn't deserve the paper or the pen.  Would you do this for me?  All of you who said you would do anything? Please. Daniel would do it for you.  This is the address:

Vancouver Island Integrated Major Crime Unit
ATTN: SGT. CRAIG HARPER
2881 Nanaimo Street,
Victoria, B.C.,
V8T 4Z8

 Maybe it seems silly to some, but for me, I feel like Daniel will be painted in a negative light that will not be easily digested by those who knew him for who he was.  I know that even I am unaware of all the details of what happened that night, or even leading up to that night.  I know Daniel held secrets from me.  But I also know that you can't change a person in 6 weeks.  That's all it was.  6 short weeks and he was gone at the hands of someone he called a friend.  I can't stomach the thought of this person getting away with this horrific act.  And I don't want the police to forget who the victim is, and who he was. 

So it's been 3 months....I have only a about 50 more years to go :(
And these 3 months are forever branded in the four corners of my mind.

Reflections from 48a MVP

As i sit at the kitchen table, after waking up in paradise, I am again struck by the sadness that is my life.  I am still after what will almost be 3 months, in disbelief that Daniel will never come home.  I may start every blog with a similar opening because, I imagine,  I will always feel like this is not real.

When I go on fb and in the right corner it has my list of friends who are available to chat, Daniel's name is always there.  The other names seem to change, but he sits there....and I wait for that little green circle to light up, and it never does.  That sucks.

So, ya, it's true.  I have been blessed in so many ways.  I have been given a most generous gift of a holiday in the sunshine.  A gift from Donna and Brian that is truly most generous and amazing.  I am seeing sights and sounds, smelling beautiful flowers and feeling sand under my feet.  I have had a lot of time to reflect on my whole life day after day.  One time Julian told me that Daniel used to tell him that "Stacey is a saint"  ..haha  oh my boy...I wish that were true.  Just as children hide their mistakes and imperfections from their parents, so do parents hide them from their children. 
It is not uncommon for a child to look up at their parent adoringly, as if the sun rises and sets on them.  We are their world...in every way for many many years.  From the time that a child is conceived, our heart is their heart.  I think back on the days that I carried Daniel.  He was a complete surprise.  Kind of a miracle really.  He wasn't sick or in trouble, he was just meant to be.  I was terrified to become a mother. Even though I was 21, I was a child in many ways.  I was sheltered and not very worldly, life is just that way when you grow up in a small town.  I was afraid to tell my parents I was pregnant and I knew my life was taking a HUGE turn.  I had plans for school, more travel and just living a life only having myself to take care of.  Then came Daniel.  I wasn't sorry for the choice I made to have him and give him a life, the minute I laid my eyes on him I was madly in love.  I knew then, that he was going to be a life changer.  He changed mine just by growing and breathing. 
Believe me when I say that I didn't just think he was a life changer just because of how his life ended, I said it to him many, many times over the years.  Daniel wasn't always as self confident as people would think.  Although he carried himself so well, he had a bit of trouble seeing what I saw in him.  He couldn't understand sometimes why he had to be born with such conviction and the need for life to be fair.  He wasn't blond and blue eyed like his brother, he wasn't tall like his father.  The girls that he was so desperately attracted to, didn't always feel the same way about him....then.  But as a good mother should, I always reminded him that he was indeed, the smartest most handsome boy I knew, and that love was worth waiting for. 
In the reflecting that Donna and I have been doing here, we have talked many times about the days when our boys were growing up.  The good days when "who should I invite to my birthday party Mum?" was a dilemma I could help solve.  I shared a very funny little story about Daniel that is worth sharing on here....
When Daniel was about 8 or so, he was at the age where girls and boys stopped having their birthdays together (some did anyway).  Coleson's birthday is April 30, a month before Daniel's.  This certain year, Coleson decided to have only boys at his party.  Well, Daniel thought that was AMAZING!  No girls!!  Woohoo!!  I, on the other hand, thought...uh oh...I hope Daniel won't want that because of his close love for Olivia.  I wouldn't be able to let him have a 'boys exclusive' party because it just would not be okay.  So, i sat him down after Coleson's party and we had this conversation...

"So Daniel, how was Coleson's birthday?  Did you have fun with just the boys?"

"Oh Mummy, it was so much fun we did _______ <---(insert whatever it is that boys do for fun here)"

"So, we should talk about your party now Daniel, I was thinking that you probably can't really have a boys only party because of course we have Olivia to think about and, well, Mummy is a girl too and I want to come" (that was me sweetening the deal I thought)

This is how Daniel answered....I remember it as if it were yesterday.

"Mum, I want the girls at my party.  I have been thinking, a boys party is fun but guess what...who do you think the girls will remember most in high school??  ME! cause I always invited them to MY parties"  

That was my boy...always making sure things were fair...and preparing the road for getting chicks 8 years down the road. 
He was a funny guy, my Daniel.  He was very thoughtful and fair thinking.  He loved his "boys" but always loved his 'girls'.  My how I look back on all those days, with such fondness and a bit of regret that I didn't write it all down.  Thank goodness for our memories.  I may not remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I always remember the love of my children, and my love for them.



Daniel is all I think about, even here.  My grief knows no borders, but neither do my memories.  I am glad that I mothered him for 20 years, I don't intend on stopping anytime soon.  My heart has such a huge hole in it.....I hope that the hockey tape that holds it together holds, because I may not ever be able to be whole again without it.

Aloha xo

From Lainey xo

First I would like to thank everyone for being so supportive to me, Joel and my Mummy, and also for loving my brother.

 Our hearts are all so empty without Daniel because he was our everything! I know I miss my brother more every single day, but what makes my day is to know Daniel is so happy up above with his baby brother and jammin "Simple Man" better then he would down here! (and we all know it was already amazing!)

I would like to share something with everyone, A memory of Daniel and I.
In May I had my dance recital and Daniel came with Meighan. I knew he was there and I searched for him. I finally found him by the door and he was sitting on a chair (handsome as always!) so I said "Hi" and sat down beside him on the ground, a couple seconds later Daniel picked me up and sat me on his lap. I was so happy that he was so willing to show his affection to me!  I bet other little sisters wish their big brothers were as kind :)
That proves what an amazing brother he was, oh how I miss that!!

I have been told so many times by all of Daniels friends these words....Daniel loved you so much Lainey, he was so proud of you.
I know he said that too everyone because he would always say that too me.

This year I am in grade 7 and I ran for Co-Prime Minister in Student Council, and I got it! How proud he would have been of me! The only thing was that it was so hard for me doing all my campaigning without Daniel. Every year I have run for anything in Student Council, Daniel would help me, and of course my speech was always the best because ``Mr. Public Speaker`` would be beside me helping me.

I miss Daniel so much, and wish he was still here.

Thank you everyone for everything.

Much love,

Lainey

Dear Daniel

**yes I know he can't read this letter...but I wish I had the means to mail something to him.

Dear Daniel;

My boy! How desperately do I miss you.  I  wanted to write to you and let you know how things are going down here.  Its been 74 days since you left us, which is precisely 73 days that I have had to try to get up and face the day.  At this point, there is not a moment in the day that you aren't on my mind.  You consume my thoughts.  But I have to say, I think largely about all the things you are and what you mean to me.  You changed my life, my son.  Not because you died, but because you lived.

Joel and Lainey miss you very very much.  Joel is getting so tall.  Remember when you said how you wanted to be like your "big" brother Joel?  Well, he is big....5'6"!!  He is catching up to you. It was May when you saw him last, and that's how much he has grown since May!!! He writes about you in school.  He asked me the other day if I thought it was bad that he felt the need to write about you in mostly every exercise he is given, I said no...I think you would really like that.
Right this moment he handed me something he wrote for English class.  It is a poem that had to be about a "Nonconformist"  I think it's quite clever.

NONCONFORMIST

I grow my hair long,
Wear dark clothes,
I play my guitar.
Loud or Quiet,
Hard or Soft.
I don't care what people think, because this is me.

I move to Europe.
People look at me and ask why I am not going back to school.
I don't want to be like everybody else, I want to be me.


I am a nonconformist.
I do what I want,
Not what people want me to do.
This is I,
Daniel

I think that is a fairly accurate description of you :)

Lainey is doing amazing things.  You would be so proud of your little one.  She is Co- Prime minister this year.  She had a hard time writing her speech without you this year,  You always helped build her confidence and tell her what a good girl she is.  She is even more beautiful than you remember.  Everyday she gets more beautiful and smart.  She is learning to love reading just like you did.  She will always read, and maybe even write like you.  She talks about you everyday and dreams of you.  I tell her she is the lucky one, to see you.  (PS...she loved her hug the other night xo)

Daniel, you would be so proud of your friends.  They are so good to us, good to your little ones, and especially good to me. They shower me with love and affection.  They remind me everyday how much you love me.  I had coffee the other day with Jackie and Mirra.  We talked mostly about you.  I told her how much you love her and how you always talked about all your friends with me.  And she said something I will never forget.  She told me that for as many times as you talked about your friends when you were with me, you talked about your family with them.  I liked that a lot.  I am glad you talked about us with them.  Your love touches us all, even across the worlds that we now all live separately in.

I saw your Dad this Thursday.  He came to town for a visit before the snow flies.  We had some long talks about you.  And as I watch his heart break so deeply, I was kind of hoping if you are able to comfort him, more than ever before, now's the time.  He misses you so much Daniel.  He is broken and he needs you.

Something that I am busting to tell you about is what I did this weekend.  I flew to Victoria so I could be a part of the building of your song.  Oh Daniel...your dream is coming true.  All that you wished for is still a reality.  We sat in the recording studio for the better part of 12 hours, laying tracks, building the song....listening to your voice.  I had an extremely difficult time listening to your voice for the first hour, which is quite ironic.  Your voice is what I long for and yet it's so hard to hear.
We started out with Jackson on the drums.  He did such an amazing job honey.  He made you so proud.  I know it was hard for him, but he was strong and brave and he did such a good job.  And he did it for you.  Julian was there (being amazing on the "hoots n hollers")  and Uncle Martin too. Julian misses you more everyday.  He is doing you proud too...filling the dream of living and making a life in Victoria like you planned. We all cried.  We miss you so much.  Jamie put this all together for you, going off the notes you and him made that Friday before your first recording session.  He made sure that your wishes were kept and that even though you weren't there, you had a voice in the outcome.  He played his heart out for you babe.  He did 2 different parts and they were nothing short of amazing.  The producer and the engineer are working their magic now.  I can't wait for the song to be finished so everyone can hear you.  Your dream.  You will love it and we will all play it loud for you to hear it way up there!!

I guess tomorrow will be the 75th day that.  I will be okay because I still have you in my heart.  I am sorry for all the conflict we had in your life over the years.  I know it was just family stuff, but, everything I ever did was out of love for you.  My pride and joy...my baby boy.

Please say hi to your brother for me and tell him that I miss him so much.  He left me way to soon and my heart is heavy with sorrow to the point that I realise that it's hard to breathe sometimes.  Half of my heart is in heaven.   2/4s up there, 2/4s down here.  Please read to him this letter (I don't know if he can read now or not) and tell him how we never stopped talking about him when you were still here. I love and miss you both so much.  Please know, that I will make YOU proud now.  And I will survive.  I promise to be something that I love and understand.

My dearest son, I love you
Forever,
Mummy xoxo

So you say i should be thankful....

....enter our very first family celebration without Daniel...pretty shitty to tell the truth.  As we all got together and had our dinner, there was indeed a somber note to it all...there was someone missing...and it was obvious.  We all tried to be brave and enjoy it all...but we were all thinking the same thing all day long.  He should be here, end of story.  And its not fair.

My sister in law asked the kids and i what we all thought would be Daniel's favorite part of the family dinner.  We all answered "the stuffing".  Next to the very obvious traditional "Thanksgivin'er" celebration with his friends on a weekend such as this, stuffing was his favorite part of Thanksgiving.

I have to tell you that Daniel was the most thankful person I have ever known.  Even when he was a little boy, he made sure to always thank people, and God for his many blessings.  The other day I found a letter to Santa that he wrote.  My guess is that he was about 7 years old when he wrote it.  It was on a little piece of paper scrawled in his little boys writing...this is what it said...

Dear Santa,

I hope you have a marry Xmas

I have a little treat for you on this plate.

It is chocolate

Thank you for visiting the Thur home

Love Daniel

He was really just so happy to be giving and thankful. :( my little boy.

In the same box I found an even smaller piece of paper with a note on it written to the maids at a hotel they were staying at in Edmonton when he went with Ms. Davis and her grade 8's.  (a trip, by the way, that literally changed the direction of his life. So inspired by the people he met there...)  I wish there was a way that you could all see how he wrote it (in not much better handwriting than when he was 7)  This is what it said.....

Dear Maid (s)
Consider this a very small ($5)
Thank you for your hard work
to make our band's trip great.
I know it's not much, but please accept
it as my thanks.  Your work is truly appreciated.
-Daniel J. Levesque

The maid(s) even wrote him a note on the back telling him how sweet he is.  Imagine how that lady's heart was warmed when she read this little note?  I just think it was so sweet of him to even keep it.  He kept so many things that he considered important, and they all tell such a beautiful story of the beautiful soul whom I miss more every single day.

On a single piece of paper from the Cooper's meat department, he thanked God for his blessings

You have blessed me with many gifts, my Lord,
But I know it is my task to realize them.
May I never underestimate my potential.
May I never lose hope.
May I find the strength to strive for better,
the courage to be different,
and the energy to give all that I have.

Who writes this at work on his break? My son, the blessed boy.  He knew he was something special.  He was thankful and kind.  And he made sure we all knew it.  He lived by his word.  He was, in a lot of ways, a good example.  He valued his family, his friends, his music, his life.  He wanted to be great, and always remembered where he came from. 

So now, I guess it's my turn to be thankful..... I am thankful for the 20 years I had with my son.  Thankful that he loved me despite my flaws. He showed me love when I needed it, he wiped my tears.  He built me up when my heart was broken, and he made me feel like I was beautiful and  the best mum in the whole world (even though I fell short of that on many occasions)  He thanked me over and over after he left home, for making him who he was, for giving him rules and instilling virtue in his life.  He was thankful that he was born.  And despite how this has all turned out....I will still always feel like I was the blessed one, to have
Daniel Jordan Levesque as my first born son, my beautiful baby boy. 

Thank you Daniel, for your life and your love. I miss you more than words can ever explain. xo

These Days Are Sad and Long

Well it's been a while since I was here.  Again I found it hard to write these last few weeks.  They have been hard.  Harder than the weeks before for some reason.  I ache, and grief is my new best friend. It follows me in my every step and i ache with every breath that I take.  My poor boy :(   I am starting to feel the anger now....

Revelstoke  buried another son today.  The sadness in this town is immeasurable.  My heart and soul relives the sadness felt on August 4th (the day we all found out), now 2 months passed.  Olindo Frank Brunetti, my son's friend, has now joined him in a place so lucky to have them.  Although I did not know Frankie, I saw his beautiful face many times around town.  And his name was often spoken by Daniel, they meant a lot to each other.  I am standing by watching all the people that meant the most to Daniel suffer.  I can not explain the feeling.  Tonight, as I know his friends are mourning another great loss, I can not help but weep at the fact that tonight, I should be holding my sons head up, wiping his tears and telling him that everything will be alright again....someday.  What a long and tearful journey we all have ahead of us.  Sometimes I don't want to even walk it.  It would be easier to sit in one spot and let it consume me.  But at home I have, two more beautiful children to care for, to be strong for....and I don't know how I am doing it, but I am.


I have so much to say and yet nothing that will help.  To all of those who love Neil Martin, to those who love Jake Gericke, to the ones who love Frankie Brunetti, and of course to all of you who love my Daniel....may peace find us all....someday ....soon....

You May Have Heard....

So for those of you who haven't heard, Joel and I were in a car accident on Friday night.  Before I go into much detail I assure you all that we are truly alright...our bodies are sore but we are alive.  Our muscles will heal but it wasn't any fun :(  We were hit by a drunk driver in Mara.  My car is not drivable and sitting in Salmon Arm waiting for the verdict on whether or not it will be fixed.  In no way am I looking for any sympathy I just want to share that we are okay....and how we feel today.  My poor son.  He covered his head and eyes as this guy came barreling at us, not even attempting to brake.  After he hit us, for a split second he was frozen and didn't want to open his eyes.  Because I didn't make any noise right away, his little mind thought that if he opened his eyes, he would find me dead.  That was his very first thought.  Obviously, I thought the same thing about him.  For what seemed like eternity, I was afraid to look over.  How could this be?  I lost 2 sons already and now this.  I don't know if Joel and I have ever hugged so tight.  You see, we had 2 angels holding us ...not letting go until they knew we were safe.  It could have been so much worse and we are both convinced that we were protected from devastating harm....Thank God.
When I got out of my car that guy sure heard it from me.  Please don't be disappointed Mum but I dropped every "F" bomb known to man on that guy telling him "God help you right now because I am about to punch you in the face for trying to kill my son"  Obvs I didn't hit him but he is lucky.  The flood of emotion that came over me realizing how he made such a selfish decision by driving like that ...that could have cost me another child?!!!!? You can not begin to imagine what went trough my mind.  Why are there such selfish people in this world?  Do they not know that there are other people who live on this planet that families love?  As some woman came over to his car and pulled out a baby seat I just shook my head.  He doesn't know what its like to lose a child...and even in that moment of hate i didn't even wish it on him.  I wouldn't wish this feeling on even my worst enemy.  No one deserves this.  Not even Mr. Stupid who lives in Mara....(kinda wish I hit him now that I think about it)
So now that I have vented I want to say this.  My life confuses me.  I do not for one moment understand why I have been given a life of constant sorrow.  I have made mistakes... lots of them.  But I have never once intentionally tried to harm anyone.  I have loved and lost...I have had my heart broken into a million pieces...I have been made a fool by many.  Gossiped about...been hated for reasons I do not know...I have not made any mistake yet though, that has not been redeemable..or so I see it.   For those of you reading this who have persecuted me for things that were simply not true, or none of your business...try walking a day in my shoes.  Trust me, you will not like it.  You could not even stand it for 20 minutes if you could read my heart.  I am not a hater, but I have a long memory and I will never forget the people who have harmed me or my children.
Forgiveness you all have....but forgetting is not an option.

I leave you with this.....for every person who has hurt me or my children, I have 20 people who love us more than they can explain.  I have seen the hearts of many...and the love we have been shown is unforgettable.  I could never in all my years be able to repay the mercy and grace that have been shown us.  And i will never forget ...because like i said...I have a long memory.


Thank God we are alive xo

Another Day

Well here I am again.  It's been a long week.  Now with the Tribute concert behind us I can honestly say that it's been really hard to write on here.  I think I am experiencing a little bit of denial as I can say quite literally that it doesn't seem real.  Until today. My son is never coming home.  I will never gaze on his face or hear him tell me that he loves me.  I won't watch him get married, I wont be blessed to love his children.  I will never again feel his arms wrapped around me hugging me so tight like he used to.  I am sad.  Actually, sad just doesn't cut it.  There is no word in the English dictionary to describe what I am right now.
I received in the mail a letter from the provincial government addressed:
"To The Estate of the Late Daniel Levesque".
Our wonderful province felt it necessary to inform me that Daniel does not qualify for any more HST rebates because his death fell prior to the cut off date for the October installment.  Guess what BC government...thanks for the info...his death actually fell short of a basic 60 years in my opinion.  *PS I don't want their stupid money anyway...It just made me remember when my baby died in 1995.  He died on the 17th of February.  I got my Child Tax Credit (back then called "Baby Bonus") on the 20th and before even a month had passed, I got a similar letter informing me that I owed the province $35 reimbursement because he died too close to the 20th of the month for them to stop his portion of the payment for that month.  I cried that day, just as I cried this day.  No one should get letters from anyone made out to their child's "ESTATE".  It sucks.  Today was a bad day.  One of hundreds or maybe thousands still waiting for me in the years ahead.  Lucky me.

What does give me some comfort is when I reflect on the important things that have happened in the last few days....
The Benefit Concert
What an amazing night.  I was so pleased, honoured and touched by all who were involved.  From the musicians, to the organizers, to the volunteers and even to the audience who came and cheered us all on.. Daniel would have been so touched and moved at all the love that was shown.  Thankful does not even begin to describe what my heart feels.  To Tessa Davis and Steve Smith, my deepest, warmest, admiration is yours.  You put together the most awesome program filled with so much amazing talent.  You accomplished everything that you set out to.  You made all who listened, cried, laughed feel like this was something that was not to be missed.  What an honour and tribute it was to my son, the music lover, the song singer, the saxophone player, the jazz fan.  All of it.  Amazing.  I will never forget.  And for those who haven't heard, they raised almost 10,000 dollars for the Daniel Levesque Memorial Scholarship.  Thank you all for loving him, and us.  I know I have said it before but this city is the most gracious and merciful city ever.  Thank you.

As I climb this ever growing mountain of confusion, hurt and sadness please know that for every bad day, we long for a better day.  For every hug, we feel loved.  For every kind word or gesture, we feel blessed and, for every person on this earth that has thought about us, prayed for us and sent love our way.... we feel it all.

Thank you for supporting us, we feel like the luckiest, unlucky family in the world.

Be Blessed
Stacey

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