**yes I know he can't read this letter...but I wish I had the means to mail something to him.
Dear Daniel;
My boy! How desperately do I miss you. I wanted to write to you and let you know how things are going down here. Its been 74 days since you left us, which is precisely 73 days that I have had to try to get up and face the day. At this point, there is not a moment in the day that you aren't on my mind. You consume my thoughts. But I have to say, I think largely about all the things you are and what you mean to me. You changed my life, my son. Not because you died, but because you lived.
Joel and Lainey miss you very very much. Joel is getting so tall. Remember when you said how you wanted to be like your "big" brother Joel? Well, he is big....5'6"!! He is catching up to you. It was May when you saw him last, and that's how much he has grown since May!!! He writes about you in school. He asked me the other day if I thought it was bad that he felt the need to write about you in mostly every exercise he is given, I said no...I think you would really like that.
Right this moment he handed me something he wrote for English class. It is a poem that had to be about a "Nonconformist" I think it's quite clever.
NONCONFORMIST
I grow my hair long,
Wear dark clothes,
I play my guitar.
Loud or Quiet,
Hard or Soft.
I don't care what people think, because this is me.
I move to Europe.
People look at me and ask why I am not going back to school.
I don't want to be like everybody else, I want to be me.
I am a nonconformist.
I do what I want,
Not what people want me to do.
This is I,
Daniel
I think that is a fairly accurate description of you :)
Lainey is doing amazing things. You would be so proud of your little one. She is Co- Prime minister this year. She had a hard time writing her speech without you this year, You always helped build her confidence and tell her what a good girl she is. She is even more beautiful than you remember. Everyday she gets more beautiful and smart. She is learning to love reading just like you did. She will always read, and maybe even write like you. She talks about you everyday and dreams of you. I tell her she is the lucky one, to see you. (PS...she loved her hug the other night xo)
Daniel, you would be so proud of your friends. They are so good to us, good to your little ones, and especially good to me. They shower me with love and affection. They remind me everyday how much you love me. I had coffee the other day with Jackie and Mirra. We talked mostly about you. I told her how much you love her and how you always talked about all your friends with me. And she said something I will never forget. She told me that for as many times as you talked about your friends when you were with me, you talked about your family with them. I liked that a lot. I am glad you talked about us with them. Your love touches us all, even across the worlds that we now all live separately in.
I saw your Dad this Thursday. He came to town for a visit before the snow flies. We had some long talks about you. And as I watch his heart break so deeply, I was kind of hoping if you are able to comfort him, more than ever before, now's the time. He misses you so much Daniel. He is broken and he needs you.
Something that I am busting to tell you about is what I did this weekend. I flew to Victoria so I could be a part of the building of your song. Oh Daniel...your dream is coming true. All that you wished for is still a reality. We sat in the recording studio for the better part of 12 hours, laying tracks, building the song....listening to your voice. I had an extremely difficult time listening to your voice for the first hour, which is quite ironic. Your voice is what I long for and yet it's so hard to hear.
We started out with Jackson on the drums. He did such an amazing job honey. He made you so proud. I know it was hard for him, but he was strong and brave and he did such a good job. And he did it for you. Julian was there (being amazing on the "hoots n hollers") and Uncle Martin too. Julian misses you more everyday. He is doing you proud too...filling the dream of living and making a life in Victoria like you planned. We all cried. We miss you so much. Jamie put this all together for you, going off the notes you and him made that Friday before your first recording session. He made sure that your wishes were kept and that even though you weren't there, you had a voice in the outcome. He played his heart out for you babe. He did 2 different parts and they were nothing short of amazing. The producer and the engineer are working their magic now. I can't wait for the song to be finished so everyone can hear you. Your dream. You will love it and we will all play it loud for you to hear it way up there!!
I guess tomorrow will be the 75th day that. I will be okay because I still have you in my heart. I am sorry for all the conflict we had in your life over the years. I know it was just family stuff, but, everything I ever did was out of love for you. My pride and joy...my baby boy.
Please say hi to your brother for me and tell him that I miss him so much. He left me way to soon and my heart is heavy with sorrow to the point that I realise that it's hard to breathe sometimes. Half of my heart is in heaven. 2/4s up there, 2/4s down here. Please read to him this letter (I don't know if he can read now or not) and tell him how we never stopped talking about him when you were still here. I love and miss you both so much. Please know, that I will make YOU proud now. And I will survive. I promise to be something that I love and understand.
My dearest son, I love you
Forever,
Mummy xoxo
