The Crown He Wore

Where do I start.

As I sit here wrapping Christmas presents with my daughter I am ready to share my thoughts on yesterday's developments.  Talk about poor timing.  I should wrap presents...but I can't.

Yesterday was almost like August 4th all over again for me.  A huge blow to us all, and I know you all have probably now heard.

I was visited, in my home by two Victoria Police Detectives on Friday afternoon.  I knew they were coming as I received a phone call on Thursday evening from Sgt. Craig Harper, wanting to make sure that I would be home.  There has been some new developments in the case and they wanted to tell me in person.  As you can well imagine, I did not sleep one wink that night as I dreamed up huge elaborate possibilities as to why they would come here to talk to me.  I knew the news could not be good.  Revelstoke seems a long way to come from Victoria. (it's really not, I was told, they would travel all the way across Canada if they had to sometimes).  The two detectives were very pleasant gentleman whose jobs when visiting families can't possibly be their most favorite part.  I had met one of the detectives before and he was as kind and caring as I remembered.  The other was someone new, but kind just the same.    They sat in my living room and got straight to the point.

There has been some developments in the case, one's not disclosed to the public, that have created a complication.  They are (were) no longer able to keep the accused in jail charged with the crime they had charged him with.  As you can all imagine, there is certain criteria that needs to be met in ALL cases, and at this time, the Crown Council can not meet all those terms and he indeed, is now released.  How devastating.  My heart is broken yet again.

Here is what I know.....this is not over.  I cannot in anyway hold the detectives or RCMP responsible for this turn of events.  I know and believe with my whole entire heart that they have always worked diligently to figuring out what happened that fateful night.  I also believe that some day, we will indeed all know the truth.  I don't know when day that will be...but I hold onto the hope that there will be some closure....some day.  I also know, that I (we) can not look to the Canadian justice system for our comfort and healing.  We can not because nothing is going to bring Daniel back.  Nothing is different today than yesterday or tomorrow.  I miss my son.  I miss his laugh and his voice.  I miss how lovingly he spoke to Lainey and how proud he always was of Joel.  We have a huge unchanging void in our life, and its not going anywhere no matter who is in jail or who isn't.

I have spent the last 4 months trying to figure out where to go from here.  How to carry on.  How to find joy and peace, and you know what?  I can find it.  I can laugh, I can have fun  and I can be a lot of things I always was before.  I can kiss my living children goodnight, and watch them both grow into amazing human beings.  But what I can't do is spend any of my emotion on the person responsible for this nightmare.  I have said it before and I will say it until my last day, I refuse to give that person an ounce of my emotions because if I do, I will lose myself in anger and despair.  It's a constant struggle I can tell you that, but it is necessary for survival.  I buried my son on August 11, but with him did not go all of the amazing things he IS and all of the beautiful memories I so cherish of him, and us.

I know that we can never say for certain what happens at our death but, I believe that God has a promise and that there is no way that someone as wonderful as Daniel could exist on this earth and that it ends there. He was a good boy from a good family.  He was not without his flaws or bad decisions.  He made mistakes and bad choices like we all do.  But this is what Daniel didn't do.  He didn't take his life, love or friends for granted.  He loved his life.  He lived it cherishing every moment and all the people in it.  Anyone who was fortunate to be a friend of Daniel's KNOWS that if there was anybody who would be in their corner when the going got tough, it would be Daniel.  When things seemed hopeless, he would gently comfort offering the peace of better days ahead.  Daniel loved with his whole heart. Sorrow would fill him if a friend would share of their suffering from the death of a father, the broken heart of a fiance leaving, the sometimes unbearable pressures from families or jobs.  He would offer his heart and his ear to listen and comfort because Daniel believed that everyone deserved grace and good fortune no matter what troubles had to be faced.  Daniel would say "No matter what happens, I will be your friend and I will stand by your side"   Even in his last day he truly believed that the people he was friends with and whom he chose to spend his time with were worthy of all the love and joy that they were capable of receiving.  He did not believe that there was NO good somewhere in everyone.  He did NOT believe that there are people on this earth who set out to intentionally hurt and deceive others they claim to care for.  That sort of thing did not exist in Daniel's life, or so he thought.

Daniel wore an invisible crown from the day he was born. It was not a halo (believe me) but it was a crown that sometimes shone so brightly I could not see anything else.  His crown was made of love, forgiveness, trust and grace.  Things maybe so rare and precious, they glittered right into the sparkle in his eye.  Did this make Daniel different than most people?  Maybe.  Did it make him vulnerable to people's evil deceiving ways?  So it does seem. But I remember it as if it were yesterday, that first day that I saw it....and I will never forget.


I could go on and on about what sets Daniel apart, but tonight this blog is about what's left behind and where we go from here.

I say publicly right now that it matters not to me who walks this earth free.  I have hope everlasting and much joy and love to give still on this earth and I intend on keeping on until I breathe no more.  I am not better, I am not over it and I AM going to have my bad days, probably forever. BUT ...I refuse to let this get the best of me.  Daniel has siblings, a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and scores of friends that will never be far from my heart. My children deserve better than all this hurt and Daniel deserves better than what has happened.  He is forever my firstborn son whom I adore.  No one, on this earth can take that away from me and I pity the soul who does not have the love and support that Daniel has always had and will forever still, even in his death.

Rest easy my beautiful son...you did not die in vain, this is not over and I will fight every day of my life to make sure you are never forgotten or ignored.  You heart is my heart, just as I carried you in my womb and you life depended on mine...I promise there will be peace and justice.  One way or another.

Daniel, my Daniel.....I miss you so

xo

PS....Thank you to Tekarra Wilkinson for all the beautiful pictures you took of Daniel after his move to Victoria.  You opened a window for all of us to see him in his last few weeks of his life.  I am FOREVER grateful.

Hold Your Head High

Well I know that I really should have posted again on here before now.  Some people are probably wondering what the results were of the appearance on Tuesday afternoon in Victoria.  I wish that I had something to report on...but I do not.  Unfortunately, no plea was entered on that day.  The defense team declared they do not have enough "disclosure".  They need more time.... Here's a newsflash...I want more time with Daniel...oh that's right!  I don't get that luxury.  Not exactly fair that the person that murdered him gets more time to make up stuff that isn't true and about what happened that night.  Anyway, the judge decided that it was okay that the defense wasn't ready yet and has now adjourned court again until
January 10th. 
Now that I have been clearly sarcastic and my first paragraph is dripping in disgust, I will now share the wise words of a man who's thoughts and heart I truly treasure.  Not very long after this happened to me, my friend Gary sat beside me, watched me cry and very tenderly told me the words that echo in my head.  They echo often when I start feeling like I just expressed in this blog.  We must not look to the justice system for comfort or even hope.  The fact of the matter is, no punishment will ever be enough for that coward, and absolutely nothing that comes of this will ever bring Daniel back.  Therefore, I (we all) need to not look towards these days ahead for comfort.  And it's hard to do.  The defense not entering a plea really doesn't change much of anything.  The facts remain...Daniel is gone, the person responsible is still in jail...and time is always going to keep ticking along....but I found myself very disappointed on Tuesday.  It was a VERY bad day for me...but i know that those days will come...and I can't stop them.  What I do take comfort in is the out pouring of love and affection Joel, Lainey and I constantly experience.  It really is what keeps our heads above the water...so that maybe THIS week, wont be as difficult as LAST week.

As I re read my last post I discovered that some of what I wrote was missing??? I don't know how that happened!!  I shared last week my return to work.  It's been almost 4 months and I have started back slowly with a graduated to work plan with my employer.  Part of why I shared it was because I wanted to publicly thank my brothers and sisters of the Teamsters Canada Rail Conference Local 657 Revelstoke, and also my immediate supervisors at Canadian Pacific.  I have been blessed with understanding and care and generosity that far surpasses anything I would have dreamed.  Although I have not had a lot of service with the company and my peers, I very much felt the love and care from everyone and I am so very thankful.  It is good to be back, even at a limited capacity ....good to get my mind working again and I look forward to better days ahead when I am able to be truly well after all of this.  It seems far away in some respects, but I know I have already come so far since August 4th. (the day I was told of his death).

Another major milestone happened this week that I would like to share.   Daniel's cemetery marker was installed (also on Tuesday <---- possibly why Tuesday was so hard)  It is absolutely beautiful.  I really want to share a picture of it but I wanted to give a warning before I do.  I will not post it tonight but on my next post  I will.  I just know that there are many people who aren't able to see it in person.  It made me so sad :(  It makes it so final.  I am so tired of choosing headstones for my children.  I do not want to choose another and I beg God daily that he will never take another from me.  It is without a doubt THE most unnatural thing to do in this world.  Burying a child.  And choosing the final marker, to show that a life WAS LIVED...is not a nice thing to do.  I wanted it so perfect...fitting for my son(s) the most beautiful.  I miss them so much :(  My heart is so sore. 

In closing I would like to share an excerpt of one of Daniel's writings...and although it mentions me in it, I read and re read this writing daily.  We all have something we can learn.

WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END

(edited for language...sorry Daniel xo)

March 03, 2009

When will this nightmare end?  When you decide to wake up

Your life is what you make it, listen up. 

people who think they have it so much worse than others are simply absurd

today is a day i cannot forget because today would be the day that my 

brother turned 16. 

be thankful for what you have

if my mother can carry on through the hurt she has felt in her life 

than f*ck it, so can you.

think about those who don't live in a warm house, 

with no food to eat. 

remember the people in the world who have little to nothing, 

who are persecuted for the colour of their skin 

or 

the creed of their beliefs. 

realize how lucky you are. 

everyone feels pain, 

everyone experiences loss on all scales. 

you are not, and never will be, alone in your struggles. 

(no matter how you may like to think so.)

quit taking things for granted, 

that is how you lose them forever

make something of your life,

rinse the self pity from your skin 

at this age we are capable of overcoming any obstacle in lieu of allowing them to dominate our lives every single day.

look to those who have been there and over come their problems,

these people surround you because they are everyone. 

one of my best friends lost nearly an entire year of his life and is now more dedicated to making a good and happy life for him than almost anyone else i know, and for that,

i love and respect him more than i ever thought i could.

so there's your answer, anyone searching for it, in the wise words of khrystal fitzmaurice..

"you're nightmare will end when you decide to wake the ____ up" 

Hold your head high......
Stace

An Update

Here's a little update....unfortunately I am a little too cynical and numb to be very inspiring tonight...
I almost didn't write but I feel I should considering the date tomorrow.
It's November 22, the date of the person who took my son's life's third court appearance.  The day that he is to make an official plea...guilty or not guilty. 
I really don't know what the hold up has really been because I think we all know that this person has no intention of taking any responsibility for doing what he clearly did.  The only two people in that apartment that fateful day.  One is dead...the other is not.  How is there any real question as to guilt?  This is the part of our legal system that I will indeed, never understand...and never really did before. 
Oh those glorious days when I never imagined this would be a life I would know so intimately.  I am the mother of a murdered child.  The mother who has buried two sons. 
My very good friend Jennifer and I are the kind of people who watch Dateline, or W5 the Passionate Eye.  We have always been two people most interested in reading fascinating, albeit heart wrenching tales of lives lost.  Discussing over and over what we think may have happened, and why.  When this first had happened to Daniel, Jen said to me "This isn't supposed to happen to one of us...we are the ones who watch these shows!!"  Now it is real...Law and Order, CSI....wtf.

I had the privilege of talking to Sgt Craig Harper.  He is a very kind man who has talked to more than his fair share of grieving parents I am sure.  It's people like him and the others on his team, who do their best to make this world a better place.  It can not please him in anyway to have to call people like me and talk about the "case" , but, without people like me, people like HIM, wouldn't have a job.  Actually, let me rephrase that....without that person who murdered my son, people like Sgt. Harper, wouldn't have a job.  There, that makes more sense. 

I know that Daniel's murder is a terribly complicated case.  But never once, even in my most darkest moments, have I ever doubted the abilities of the men and women who have been doing their best to have the person responsible for all of our pain, punished.

Here is what news I can share......
that's right...nothing much.  There isn't a lot they can tell me.  Everything is confidential for the most part, even kept secret from me.  I wish it weren't that way, but I don't make the rules, and neither do the police.  One of the investigators described it to me like this....imagine the building of the case like a ladder.  Every time you let out any little detail its like removing a wrung.  It weakens.  And I can admit, that even though I am a very good secret keeper, it would be most difficult to not speak of things I am not supposed to.

And, you see, this person who deserves not a single ounce of fairness, has a RIGHT to a fair trial.  Pfft...as if.  Daniel didn't get a fair anything in all of this.

*  There has been no application for bail at this point, and the Victoria Police will fight any application they get for it.  They even have special officers whose job is to have a package ready for why they oppose bail. 
*  There will be a preliminary trial sometime in the spring most likely.  This is done in front of a judge at a provincial level.  It's something like a mini trial where a judge will decide if there is enough evidence at that time to continue on.  After that is moved forward, the Crown Council polishes their case, to present in Supreme Court.
*  Second Degree Murder is a Federal Offence which MUST be tried in the Supreme Court in front of a jury.  The only time a jury is not involved is if both sides agree to a trial by judge only, but this is not very common.
*  It will indeed be a very long time for this to actually take place.  2 years from the offence is not uncommon, and to expect it much earlier than that, is unwise.
On that note....for those of you who think it's taking too long and you want to know "what's the hold up", know this....it is going as quickly as it can possibly go.  Sgt. Harper said to me that we need to be almost thankful that there isn't a trial anytime soon.  Because if there was, he would probably get off.  Why? Because they don't have all their evidence analysed, or in order.  That is where the real hold up is.  When a piece of evidence needs to be processed, it has to be sent to Ottawa.  Canada's CSI lab.  Realize this, life isn't like a tv show.  I imagine that shows like CSI must be so frustrating to watch.  "QUICK!!  I need this DNA processed STAT!!"  ha  and an hour later its done...not so is the Canadian system.  Some evidence takes 6 months to come back.  AND...they cant send new things to be processed until the first batch of things comes back...sit...and wait....and my son is still gone.

I am truly thankful for people like Sgt. Craig Harper, and Det. Mike Darling and their colleagues because I know they aren't taking this lightly....and neither am I.



For those of you who sent letters about Daniel, I thank you.  Thank you for taking time out of your day to do that for him.  You all know that he would do the same for you.  For those who are on the fence about it what are you waiting for?  Please put a pen to paper, even if it is only 4 lines long, it would mean the world to him and I believe that ever word on ever paper opened in that Victoria office is read and cared for.  They will all go into a file kept for the Crown Council to read and know how much this boy was loved.  He deserves a million letters....because I promise you, every letter about Daniel just compounds the lack of love and support for this person who took our dear Daniel away from us.  He has no one writing letters about him...this I can guarantee.   Here is the address again (take note of the new name you can write to if you haven't already started)

ATTN: SGT. Margo Downey
2881 Nanaimo Street,
Victoria, B.C.,
V8T 4Z8

For those of you who pray, please give some extra attention to tomorrow.
My dear friend Laurel Russell will be in the courtroom at 1500 tomorrow proudly holding a picture of my little boy because I can not.
 

He is not just a name.
He is not just a victim.
He is not just Victoria's second homicide of 2011.
He IS
Daniel Jordan Levesque.
The Poet.
The Musician.
The most wonderful.
My dear boy.

I miss him so much :(


Stace xo

My Soul Aches

Well here it is, Sunday night and it has just taken me about 2 hours to figure out how to set up a blog.  As you can all imagine, the person i would have turned to for help with this, was Daniel.  I do have a lot of things to share about my trip to Victoria, and yet, not really much at the same time.  I do see what Daniel loved so much about that beautiful city.  It was so easy to see him at my every step. (Meeting Dan and George at the Baja Grill was by far the best part....i know Daniel's heart is still there)
I started my morning off by heading directly to the RCMP head quarters to meet with the investigators.  Right from the start i was scared and nervous.  A grieving mother standing at the doors of the Victoria Major Crime Unit was just not somewhere i ever imagined my feet would take me.  The 2 detectives that i first met with were very kind.  i dont imagine that they expected someone like me when they set up this meeting.  There i stood feeling like a little girl, wanting to meet these people who are in charge of finding even a slight bit of reasoning to this earth shattering tragedy.  These men never knew my son.  The day they met him, he was already gone.  He was referred to in the papers as the "second homicide victim in Victoria in 2011".  I was there to not let him be that anymore.  In my sweaty little hands i held 2 local newspapers form Revelstoke, and the card from his funeral.  I wanted them to read every word and see pictures of my beautiful son who loved life ...the poet, the musician, the love of my life. 
In the first few minutes of our meeting, i realized that they wanted the same thing as me.  They wanted to know who Daniel was.  How confused must they all be!!!  Here is this, by all accounts, vibrant young aspiring musician...dead.  and for what??
They let me ramble on and on about how much i loved him and how he really was a good boy.  Make no mistake, i was very clear that Daniel probably didnt tell me everything, but he told me a lot.  I have texts to prove it.  I know Daniel wasn't perfect (who is) and i am sure he kept things from his mother (who doesn't) but for the things that mattered....i knew.  I explained that I have countless letters in my facebook inbox that said the same things about Daniel as I was saying.  He was amazing, a true inspiration, a defender of the weak, often a friend to the friendless...and i didnt know all that because i am his mum, everyone knows this about Daniel.
Now for the uncomfortable information.  They were unable to give me any real information to tell the truth.  What they could tell me was that they have known right from the start that Daniel was a victim, in every sense of the word.  When the detectives arrived on the scene that night, what they saw (i dont know what that was), told a completely different story to what was described earlier that night in the 911 call.  They told me, that they did not hesitate in arriving to the conclusion that this was a murder. 
What makes this investigation so complicated, more complicated than most, is that there are no witnesses.  There were only 2 people there that evening, and one cant tell his side.  What is also going to make this road even longer is the facts.....what the police "think" happened, what their guts are telling them, and what they can prove, are two vastly different things.  They very sensitively, explained to me that this is going to get worse before it gets better.  And that makes me sooo sad.   Another thing i learned, is that the person in custody isnt talking....at all....so i guess its up to lawyers now.
After almost 5 hours, and 3 detectives, my day was done.  I left with more questions than answers.  More heartache.  I know that Daniel's personal life will be attacked....there will be lies spoken, and truth about what happened to him in his last few hours of life is going to sear my heart again.  He was 20, but he was still my baby.  He was independent and living his life away from me, but he's still my baby.  He was on his path to success and happiness ...and i couldn't be more proud of my baby.   i miss him so much.
So, as of this very day, it has been 25 days since Daniel left this earth.  It seems like its been forever, and yet at moments i still find myself hoping that it isnt real......

May Peace and Love Prevail
Stacey