As I sit here wrapping Christmas presents with my daughter I am ready to share my thoughts on yesterday's developments. Talk about poor timing. I should wrap presents...but I can't.
Yesterday was almost like August 4th all over again for me. A huge blow to us all, and I know you all have probably now heard.
I was visited, in my home by two Victoria Police Detectives on Friday afternoon. I knew they were coming as I received a phone call on Thursday evening from Sgt. Craig Harper, wanting to make sure that I would be home. There has been some new developments in the case and they wanted to tell me in person. As you can well imagine, I did not sleep one wink that night as I dreamed up huge elaborate possibilities as to why they would come here to talk to me. I knew the news could not be good. Revelstoke seems a long way to come from Victoria. (it's really not, I was told, they would travel all the way across Canada if they had to sometimes). The two detectives were very pleasant gentleman whose jobs when visiting families can't possibly be their most favorite part. I had met one of the detectives before and he was as kind and caring as I remembered. The other was someone new, but kind just the same. They sat in my living room and got straight to the point.
There has been some developments in the case, one's not disclosed to the public, that have created a complication. They are (were) no longer able to keep the accused in jail charged with the crime they had charged him with. As you can all imagine, there is certain criteria that needs to be met in ALL cases, and at this time, the Crown Council can not meet all those terms and he indeed, is now released. How devastating. My heart is broken yet again.
Here is what I know.....this is not over. I cannot in anyway hold the detectives or RCMP responsible for this turn of events. I know and believe with my whole entire heart that they have always worked diligently to figuring out what happened that fateful night. I also believe that some day, we will indeed all know the truth. I don't know when day that will be...but I hold onto the hope that there will be some closure....some day. I also know, that I (we) can not look to the Canadian justice system for our comfort and healing. We can not because nothing is going to bring Daniel back. Nothing is different today than yesterday or tomorrow. I miss my son. I miss his laugh and his voice. I miss how lovingly he spoke to Lainey and how proud he always was of Joel. We have a huge unchanging void in our life, and its not going anywhere no matter who is in jail or who isn't.
I have spent the last 4 months trying to figure out where to go from here. How to carry on. How to find joy and peace, and you know what? I can find it. I can laugh, I can have fun and I can be a lot of things I always was before. I can kiss my living children goodnight, and watch them both grow into amazing human beings. But what I can't do is spend any of my emotion on the person responsible for this nightmare. I have said it before and I will say it until my last day, I refuse to give that person an ounce of my emotions because if I do, I will lose myself in anger and despair. It's a constant struggle I can tell you that, but it is necessary for survival. I buried my son on August 11, but with him did not go all of the amazing things he IS and all of the beautiful memories I so cherish of him, and us.
I know that we can never say for certain what happens at our death but, I believe that God has a promise and that there is no way that someone as wonderful as Daniel could exist on this earth and that it ends there. He was a good boy from a good family. He was not without his flaws or bad decisions. He made mistakes and bad choices like we all do. But this is what Daniel didn't do. He didn't take his life, love or friends for granted. He loved his life. He lived it cherishing every moment and all the people in it. Anyone who was fortunate to be a friend of Daniel's KNOWS that if there was anybody who would be in their corner when the going got tough, it would be Daniel. When things seemed hopeless, he would gently comfort offering the peace of better days ahead. Daniel loved with his whole heart. Sorrow would fill him if a friend would share of their suffering from the death of a father, the broken heart of a fiance leaving, the sometimes unbearable pressures from families or jobs. He would offer his heart and his ear to listen and comfort because Daniel believed that everyone deserved grace and good fortune no matter what troubles had to be faced. Daniel would say "No matter what happens, I will be your friend and I will stand by your side" Even in his last day he truly believed that the people he was friends with and whom he chose to spend his time with were worthy of all the love and joy that they were capable of receiving. He did not believe that there was NO good somewhere in everyone. He did NOT believe that there are people on this earth who set out to intentionally hurt and deceive others they claim to care for. That sort of thing did not exist in Daniel's life, or so he thought.
Daniel wore an invisible crown from the day he was born. It was not a halo (believe me) but it was a crown that sometimes shone so brightly I could not see anything else. His crown was made of love, forgiveness, trust and grace. Things maybe so rare and precious, they glittered right into the sparkle in his eye. Did this make Daniel different than most people? Maybe. Did it make him vulnerable to people's evil deceiving ways? So it does seem. But I remember it as if it were yesterday, that first day that I saw it....and I will never forget.
I could go on and on about what sets Daniel apart, but tonight this blog is about what's left behind and where we go from here.
I say publicly right now that it matters not to me who walks this earth free. I have hope everlasting and much joy and love to give still on this earth and I intend on keeping on until I breathe no more. I am not better, I am not over it and I AM going to have my bad days, probably forever. BUT ...I refuse to let this get the best of me. Daniel has siblings, a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and scores of friends that will never be far from my heart. My children deserve better than all this hurt and Daniel deserves better than what has happened. He is forever my firstborn son whom I adore. No one, on this earth can take that away from me and I pity the soul who does not have the love and support that Daniel has always had and will forever still, even in his death.
Rest easy my beautiful son...you did not die in vain, this is not over and I will fight every day of my life to make sure you are never forgotten or ignored. You heart is my heart, just as I carried you in my womb and you life depended on mine...I promise there will be peace and justice. One way or another.
Daniel, my Daniel.....I miss you so
xo
PS....Thank you to Tekarra Wilkinson for all the beautiful pictures you took of Daniel after his move to Victoria. You opened a window for all of us to see him in his last few weeks of his life. I am FOREVER grateful.
