As i sit at the kitchen table, after waking up in paradise, I am again struck by the sadness that is my life. I am still after what will almost be 3 months, in disbelief that Daniel will never come home. I may start every blog with a similar opening because, I imagine, I will always feel like this is not real.
When I go on fb and in the right corner it has my list of friends who are available to chat, Daniel's name is always there. The other names seem to change, but he sits there....and I wait for that little green circle to light up, and it never does. That sucks.
So, ya, it's true. I have been blessed in so many ways. I have been given a most generous gift of a holiday in the sunshine. A gift from Donna and Brian that is truly most generous and amazing. I am seeing sights and sounds, smelling beautiful flowers and feeling sand under my feet. I have had a lot of time to reflect on my whole life day after day. One time Julian told me that Daniel used to tell him that "Stacey is a saint" ..haha oh my boy...I wish that were true. Just as children hide their mistakes and imperfections from their parents, so do parents hide them from their children.
It is not uncommon for a child to look up at their parent adoringly, as if the sun rises and sets on them. We are their world...in every way for many many years. From the time that a child is conceived, our heart is their heart. I think back on the days that I carried Daniel. He was a complete surprise. Kind of a miracle really. He wasn't sick or in trouble, he was just meant to be. I was terrified to become a mother. Even though I was 21, I was a child in many ways. I was sheltered and not very worldly, life is just that way when you grow up in a small town. I was afraid to tell my parents I was pregnant and I knew my life was taking a HUGE turn. I had plans for school, more travel and just living a life only having myself to take care of. Then came Daniel. I wasn't sorry for the choice I made to have him and give him a life, the minute I laid my eyes on him I was madly in love. I knew then, that he was going to be a life changer. He changed mine just by growing and breathing.
Believe me when I say that I didn't just think he was a life changer just because of how his life ended, I said it to him many, many times over the years. Daniel wasn't always as self confident as people would think. Although he carried himself so well, he had a bit of trouble seeing what I saw in him. He couldn't understand sometimes why he had to be born with such conviction and the need for life to be fair. He wasn't blond and blue eyed like his brother, he wasn't tall like his father. The girls that he was so desperately attracted to, didn't always feel the same way about him....then. But as a good mother should, I always reminded him that he was indeed, the smartest most handsome boy I knew, and that love was worth waiting for.
In the reflecting that Donna and I have been doing here, we have talked many times about the days when our boys were growing up. The good days when "who should I invite to my birthday party Mum?" was a dilemma I could help solve. I shared a very funny little story about Daniel that is worth sharing on here....
When Daniel was about 8 or so, he was at the age where girls and boys stopped having their birthdays together (some did anyway). Coleson's birthday is April 30, a month before Daniel's. This certain year, Coleson decided to have only boys at his party. Well, Daniel thought that was AMAZING! No girls!! Woohoo!! I, on the other hand, thought...uh oh...I hope Daniel won't want that because of his close love for Olivia. I wouldn't be able to let him have a 'boys exclusive' party because it just would not be okay. So, i sat him down after Coleson's party and we had this conversation...
"So Daniel, how was Coleson's birthday? Did you have fun with just the boys?"
"Oh Mummy, it was so much fun we did _______ <---(insert whatever it is that boys do for fun here)"
"So, we should talk about your party now Daniel, I was thinking that you probably can't really have a boys only party because of course we have Olivia to think about and, well, Mummy is a girl too and I want to come" (that was me sweetening the deal I thought)
This is how Daniel answered....I remember it as if it were yesterday.
"Mum, I want the girls at my party. I have been thinking, a boys party is fun but guess what...who do you think the girls will remember most in high school?? ME! cause I always invited them to MY parties"
That was my boy...always making sure things were fair...and preparing the road for getting chicks 8 years down the road.
He was a funny guy, my Daniel. He was very thoughtful and fair thinking. He loved his "boys" but always loved his 'girls'. My how I look back on all those days, with such fondness and a bit of regret that I didn't write it all down. Thank goodness for our memories. I may not remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I always remember the love of my children, and my love for them.
Daniel is all I think about, even here. My grief knows no borders, but neither do my memories. I am glad that I mothered him for 20 years, I don't intend on stopping anytime soon. My heart has such a huge hole in it.....I hope that the hockey tape that holds it together holds, because I may not ever be able to be whole again without it.
Aloha xo
