I was able to return home with something quite amazing. The very vivid memory of my first dream of Daniel. I wanted to write about it right away, but I couldn't. I can barely type now as I think of it. But I do want to share it with you. I am busting with all sorts of things I want to share but I will try to pace myself so it all makes sense.
When I woke up on Monday morning my heart felt different. I laid there and had to really think of why I felt that way. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally, I felt as though a huge rock was on my sinking heart as I remembered that I had spent some time with my son.
It was not as sweet as Lainey's was, or as special as one would think. As some of you read you will chalk "dreamimg" up to maybe the subconscious replaying our true feelings, or maybe you will believe that it is a small way we can connect with ones we have lost in a realm that is not for us to see with our closed minds. I think it's a little of both. My dream of Daniel was sort of confusing and not at all what I expected. And after much thought, I believe that I have been seeing parts of this dream for weeks, as the beginning of it was very familiar, like I had seen it over and over....
I am not sure where we were, or really how we got there, but suddenly I was standing face to face with my Daniel. He was dressed in that black plaid jacket he used to wear a lot when he was in high school. (kind of the lumberjack style). As i walked to him, he was kind of sheepish with me. This was the part I had seen before many times I now realize. But this time, we spoke. It was if time had not passed and it felt very natural for me to just say to him,
"Come on honey, let's just go home"
He said to me, "Mum, I want to but I can't"
I looked at him, and he was nervous and kind of stand offish and I said
"Daniel, what's wrong? How come you can't?"
And he replied to me. "Aren't you mad at me Mum?"
With tears in his eyes and his bottom lip and chin trembling I embraced him and said,
"No! I am not mad at you! Why would I be?"
And he said (now with tears streaming down his face)
"Because I left you, I didn't want to Mummy"
"Oh Daniel. Just come home now. We will be alright. I am not mad"
He said he couldn't come with me but he hugged me tight and said
"Mum, I really wanted to come sooner but I was scared. I never meant to hurt you and I am so sorry" I started to cry and told him that I knew it wasn't his fault again and begged for him to come with me and he wouldn't. To be honest, I felt like I lost him all over again, but he promised me that he would come see me again soon and for me not to cry (as if).
This is all I remember. And no matter how you look at why I would dream this, whether it was my own feelings,or his....it's hard to say. What I do know, and have said it right from the day I found out about his death, is that whatever consciousness he had as his body was giving out on him, his last thoughts were very likely "I can't do this to my Mum"
Daniel has always tried to spare my feelings and be tender and loving to me. He knew what I had been through and he didn't want my heart to break anymore. His deepest wish for me was that I would one day be whole and truly happy again. He was standing by my side when I found his baby brother in his crib not breathing. He heard my mournful wails as I held the baby sobbing in my rocking chair waiting for help to arrive. Although he was only 3 at the time, he had a very vivid memory of that day. How could he not? His life was altered abruptly and he went from being a big brother, to being an only child.
This is what he wrote this last spring.
"It had been almost 16 years. Nearly, one would say, as the anniversary will be mourned in two months time. I hate the thought. I hate and dread the idea of that day's arrival. It's the same story every year. My Step Father buys the flowers, my siblings and I sign the card, and the delivery is made. After the second year, things did not get better for my mother, nor did they get worse. The same hole was left in her heart. Same hole, same size. Each February this day comes. After Christmas, we just wait. My siblings know nothing of the true heartache, for they were not yet born. My Step Father is sympathetic, but only her and I awoke that morning, and for a year past that day, I remember nothing. That cold February morning in the days of my youth, however is etched into my mind as clearly as the etched letters on my little brother's headstone. And as the letters have dulled, and acquired their own tainting, so too will the memories of the day that changed our lives become dull. Dull and tainted, but forever branded on the four corners of my mind"
He was a sweet child who stood by my side and asked "Mummy what's wrong with the baby?" Just as Joel stood by my side when the constable came to the door on August 4th to tell me that Daniel was gone. Joel heard those same wails. Sounds that only come from a grieving mothers body. A sound so loud my neighbour heard my screams inside her house and came running to my rescue. Sounds that are so unnatural, they should not exist. I did not get to say goodbye to either of my sons. Not until after they were gone. When the tears were falling from Daniel's eyes in my dream, they looked exactly like the tears that stained his most beautiful face as I cried and begged for him to wake up in his casket. As I stroked his cold cheeks and wiped the literal POOLS of salty tears from his face, some had dripped into his closed eyes, and it looked like he was crying with me. It mirrors the image I have of 16 years ago, when I wiped those same brand of tears from my little one's eyes, because he couldn't wipe them himself either.
I am not angry with Daniel. For really and truly, he only had love in his heart. He trusted the person who has done such evil. He cared deeply for the friendship that they shared and he did not know what kind of a real person he is. He shared this memory with this friend who murdered him. That person KNEW what he had loved and lost. He shared very deep parts of his heart with anyone who would listen. For Daniel always believed that there was good in all things. He could see the bad...but he knew somewhere...there was good.
What made Daniel the man that he is, are the same things that got him killed. This time he trusted and saw the good in someone that fooled him. I wish I had the time to share with you the things they don't report in the newspapers and on the internet about what kind of mess this really is.
I have a request. Today marks the third month we have all had to live without Daniel's earthly presence in our lives. Something that has bothered me from very early on, is that the investigators did not know who Daniel was. They don't have Daniel's voice to defend himself and this person who is in custody, has months and months to drum up lies about Daniel and try to discredit who Daniel was. In these last months I have been blessed with many emails, cards and facebook messages about how Daniel affected people's lives. I told the investigators that of all the wonderful things I can say about Daniel, it's not just my mother's heart speaking for him. I told them that I have a a thousand people who would stand up and agree with all the things I had told them. He was a remarkable human being. I started to think, what would Daniel have done for someone who meant so much to him, if they had met such a tragic death. What would he do?
He would write.
It would very much please Steven and I if people would take time out of their day, sometime soon, and write a letter to the detectives about Daniel. About what kind of a person he is. How he touched their lives and what life is like without him. What kind of an impact this has made on our community and our world. I know all of you who read this won't do it, but I know some will. And I can see it now, letter after letter will appear in the mail, in Victoria, addressed to the lead investigator, simply explaining who Daniel was in life. Nothing about the person in custody please...he doesn't deserve the paper or the pen. Would you do this for me? All of you who said you would do anything? Please. Daniel would do it for you. This is the address:
Vancouver Island Integrated Major Crime Unit
ATTN: SGT. CRAIG HARPER
2881 Nanaimo Street,
Victoria, B.C.,
V8T 4Z8
So it's been 3 months....I have only a about 50 more years to go :(
And these 3 months are forever branded in the four corners of my mind.
