Oh boy am I having a bad day. I am so disappointed in how some people treat others. I am not directly referring to the obvious, which would be how Daniel was treated on August 3rd, but, all in all....our world is sometimes less than desirable.
I am referring to an incident at a local store where I was treated so poorly today, that I even had to make it my facebook status. This establishment isn't a place I enjoy going to partly for the fact that Daniel was treated badly at times and, as his mother, I haven't forgotten.
After Daniel died, as a lot of you know, I was blessed with the gift of some of the journals he kept. A few weeks ago, Joel and I found one, in particular, that he had hidden among some of his things.
The very first page reads like this....
"This is Daniel Jordan Levesque's journal. If you are reading it there is a chance that I am unaware of it. If you have any love in your heart, you will not continue reading, as these thoughts are private and not for anyone's eyes but mine"
As tempted as I was to read on, Joel reminded me....that I do indeed love Daniel...and he was asking me, even now, not to read it.
So I didn't. I still haven't. And I won't.
I asked Joel to skim through it and see when it was written, and it was when he was in grade 11...a not very fun time in his life....and Joel assured me, there would be nothing helpful in it....so I put it away...BUT...not before a few pages fell out.
I read these.
What they were, were notes on his time at work when he was accused of doing something that he swore (and I still believe) he didn't do. He was treated poorly and I got to relive it by reading my son's own version of it. It broke my heart all over again like it did back then. It matters not now what happened...Daniel dealt with it and it's over....but I hated reading it all over again.
Today, a person who does not know me (not that it matters really if he did know me) spoke to me in such a way that I was so angry I complained about him. I am not,by nature, a complainer but I could not let this one go. Even though you may not think this is a place to air such dissatisfaction, I just needed to blog about how someone's uncaring attitude can affect others.
Grief is an unfair emotion. It displays itself in ways you don't expect. Like, being upset by someone who means nothing to me....made me cry my eyes out in my car. You see, in the back of my very busy mind...is the fact that I have lost not 1 but 2 children. Its always there, like a bad bruise and when it gets knocked, it aches more.
To illustrate further, imagine it like this. You are playing hockey and you block a shot with your leg. It hurts and leaves a nasty bruise. When you go home and ice it, it feels better a bit...kind of throbs...but its tolerable. You get your mom to bring you a drink and a snack (can you tell I have lived this with Joel) and she makes you feel better. You're not moving, and your needs are met...maybe tomorrow will be better....Well guess what...tomorrow it feels worsee!! Now it is black and blue and when you are laying in bed maybe you forget about it...you try to walk...it hurts...you've got weight on it...it hurts.... you can feel it's there so you take it easy. But then your little sister is running by you and accidentally hits your leg with her backpack...OMG!! Remember that bruise you knew you had and it ached?? Well now you want to punch someone (hopefully not your little sister). Seems like a simple illustration but its accurate in a lot of ways. (Although bruises heal and eventually go away grief doesn't.) The moment your bruise gets hit you don't dwell on the backpack that hit you, you remember that shot you blocked and how much it still hurts. That's what grief does too...it may be something that is irritating to handle in everyday life, but when the emotions get all stirred up, the grief rears its awful head and the heart aches twice as bad. What happened today wasn't something any person would have shrugged off, believe me. Any person would have been upset with how they were treated if they were me, but I thought I would share with you the journey of grief and how it presents itself in life.
And maybe, we should all think twice about how we treat others because we don't want to be....
A) read about by someone's mother in their journal after their life was taken or....
B) contribute to anyone's already suffering grief by being a jerk to them.
I am not asking for any special treatment because of what has happened to me in my life, but can't we all just get along?
A very good friend of mine shared with me some very fascinating thoughts on life, and death. Why do I choose to share it tonight? Because it made me feel better when I read it and I think he is a great guy :)
Now, I understand that nobody likes to think of this- but each and everyone of us is living on limited breaths.
Many people live with a fear of death. They take extra precautions to ensure that they extend their
on this earth to its maximum potential. They give up once-in-a-lifetime opportunities out of fear, and rob themselves of a chance for a truly spectacular moment. I truly wish that people would place the same emphasis on the enjoyment of their time here rather than just extension. Wasted moments are wasted moments, no matter how long you are able to live in this life and we all need to understand that no matter who we are, it can all be taken from us in the blink of an eye. What is the point of living forever if we're not making the most of life? This is why it is so critically important to squeeze as much joy out of every moment that we can.
As you live today, be sure to live. Embrace it all, and live as though you are on borrowed time.
We all are.
Forgive.
Forget.
Don't hold grudges.
Don't worry about the things you cannot change, and change the things you can rather than worrying about them.
Dance.
Kiss the girl- this may be your only shot.
Don't waste energy on embarrassment, nobody is better than you, and nothing gives us the right to judge one another for doing what makes us happy.
Tell your mom you love her.
While you're at it, dad too. Their time is limited too, after all and you're certainly gonna miss them when they're gone....That is, if you had the luck to even meet them... Many haven't.
Remember, any moment that you waste in anger, or envy, or in any way negatively is a moment that you just quite simply can never get back. Many will argue with me on this, but we live with absolutely no guarantee what happens after we die. All we can really live for is the time that we do have before that day, and it would be a damn shame to piss that time away.Live for the guarantee.
Live for life.
Live for right now.
If you're old enough to read this, know that people younger than you have died. You are already luckier than many- you have had more of a chance to live than so many unfortunate people, and really don't know if there could be a freak accident tomorrow to end it all. Don't take for granted what you have, which is time. Maybe a limited amount, but time nonetheless.
Use it.
Of course it's not always going to be easy. The bad days are inevitable. That's life. Nobody's life is perfect, and we're all due to have some bad luck. Make the most of what you can, and try so very hard to focus on the positive aspects rather than the unfortunate circumstances during bad times. Feeling sorry for yourself is going to do nothing but chisel away at the already limited time that you have here and prolong or worsen the impact of pains we endure.Obviously sadness is an emotion we cannot avoid, but please try to remember... We're all in this together, you're never alone, and things will always get better- even when it seems like they never will.
Lastly, know what you're worth. There may be Seven Billion people walking this planet, but each and every one of us is equal, and infinitely valuable. A human life is the most precious commodity on Earth, and should be treated as such. Your value, and your potential are limitless. You will never be replaced, and to the people you affect- you will never be forgotten. Be absolutely sure to chase your dreams, and do what you can to get what you want and what you deserve. Life should be approached with the belief that nothing is impossible, and that we are all capable of our own brand
of complete and total brilliance.
So to end this read I have a few things to add. Sorry if you find this blog not as inspiring as some. You see, people think I am so strong and brave but guess what....I don't have a choice. I have the little ones who depend on me being well and I can't let them down. I work very hard everyday....just getting up out of bed and you know what? I have done just that every single day for the last 3 months and 4 days....sometimes I don't want to, but I do.
Tomorrow is another day and I will be less upset at the world I am sure. I am happy that my friend shared his thoughts with me, and they are very similar to how Daniel lived his life which I very much like. I admire my son and all that he is. He is an inspiration to me still and I will survive all of this because he loves me.
And, there is no greater love in a mother's heart, than for their child, no matter where he/she is.
Stace
PS...If you haven't read my last post entitled "Three Months" please read it if you can. It's very sad but it has an important request at the end. xo
