Many things rip through my heart these days. Every single minute of every single day I am entirely consumed with my son. How can we ever even THINK of starting to heal with all that is spinning through our heads. His death was someone else's choice. Not Daniel's. He was so full of life. A small town boy with stars in his eyes. Looking for himself, and loving what he was finding. What gives me some kind of peace is KNOWING he was truly happy. He was happy with who he was. He was not conceited, he was not (too) vain....he just knew that this world was better than some of us saw it. He over came some big obstacles. The loss of his baby brother at the age of 3 1/2. Something a little boy should never have to know. The pain and sorrow. The lonleiness. Being an only child suddenly to a mother and father grieving. And now, my children are in that same category.
As school approaches this week, my son Joel, shared with me his worry about going back to school and people not knowing what to say and maybe making a big deal of the whole situation by talking about him, whispering around him...just talking about things they don't know to be true. My response (because i have lived this once before) was "Do you want people to pretend that it didn't happen? Because that hurts more sometimes" He agreed that would be worse. Unfortunately, I know this to be the truth. I have felt it.
For those of you who don't really KNOW me, I am not one who desires a lot of attention. I know this is the same for Steven. But, when it comes to this...a simple acknowledgement is a really good idea. I don't mean strangers either. If you knew me, or Steven, or Derek, or my kids, Daniel's grandparents or even especially Daniel before this tragedy....letting us know that you are thinking of us or just a gentle pat on the shoulder is a nice idea.. It is a fact that there is absolutely nothing anyone could say to any of us that will make it all better. It is also a fact that there is not even a remote possibility that you could make any of us feel any worse by mentioning his name. We will grieve every single day until we are here no more. I can tell you all this, Steven and I are in an elite group of people who have lost more than one child...and it is a group that I wish did not exist. I can say quite honestly if this tragedy were to happen to someone I knew (and I PRAY it never does) I would not know what to say, but I would say their name. And mentioning Daniel's name will NEVER hurt us...ever. We are all so very proud of the amazing man he was...the brilliant child that he was...the loving son that he was.
I was given a beautiful card from Ross, Phyllis and Stacy Lang that had a poem in it that touched my heart and I would like to share it with you.
DON'T TELL ME
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child too.
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because, that's just not true.
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me.
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I can not see.
Don't tell me it's time to move on,
because I can not.
Don't tell me to face the fact that he's gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop.
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more.
Don't tell me when I am my old self, you will be glad,
I will never be as I was before.
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child.
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while.
And please don't hesitate to say his name.
Because it is something I long to hear every day.
Friends please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become some day.
Revelstoke is a city united. The out pouring of kindness is completely beyond my expectations. This little city of ours has been so merciful to Daniel's entire family and all of his friends. Never have I seen such kindness. And if ever crosses your mind to tell any of us a story, or a memory, or even just a hug or kind word...please know that sometimes saying something, is better than saying nothing at all.
I pray to be well some day...all of us.
Stacey
