In no way do I wish to down play anyone's relationship with Daniel. I wish I had the words to tell you all exactly how he felt about you...so the world could see. I do believe that most everyone in Daniel's life knew in their hearts how he felt about them. Tonight I want to share with you the special relationship he had with Derek, his step father.
Derek came into Daniel's life when he was a wee one of 31/2. He was a little handful, our Daniel was. Full of life and sass. He was so very fortunate to have many positive male role models in his life. One of which was Derek. Derek and I were married in 1995 and started our own family with the birth of Joel, and later Lainey. Derek accepted Daniel as a son from the moment we knew we were going to create our little family. Derek always knew that we (Daniel and I) were a package deal. Derek never for one minute had any intention of being anything but a provider for Daniel and an influence that would remain positive to the very last goodbye that they had before Daniel left for Victoria. The desire of Derek's heart was not to intrude on Steven's relationship with Daniel, but rather, just be there for this little boy, all the while, loving his mother. Steven and Derek were always amicable with each other, both knowing that Daniel had enough love for them both. Derek loved Daniel. Derek's entire FAMILY loved Daniel. There was never any more love for Joel or Lainey in comparison. The love was equal and very deep.
Daniel looked up to Derek for many of his traits. He was a good provider. He put a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, we had a little family. Even when things didn't work out with Derek and I, Daniel and Derek remained close. He went for visits when Joel and Lainey did. Every time. They stayed close, shared holidays and memories that were both very special to the two of them.
The reason I felt moved to share this with everyone was, that being a step father is not always the easiest job. But Derek made it look easy. When Daniel and Derek's relationship began to blossom it was just at the time that Daniel lost his brother. Derek knew the importance of NOT replacing Steven, just adding love and support to Daniel's already complicated-by-grief life.
I know that I also speak for Steven when I say that we are thankful that Derek was in Daniel's life. We both love that Derek loved him. And we are very aware that this tragedy has left a huge hole in Derek's heart. Derek doesn't say much. He is quiet and gentle soul that doesn't desire the limelight in any way. But I think it is time that I say out loud, for all to hear .... Thank you Derek Robert Thur, for loving my boy with all your heart. Thank you Oma and Opa. Thank you Auntie Elly, Uncle Morris, Robyn, Mark and Jillian. Thank you Uncle Hans and Auntie Lisa, Heather, Michael and Krista. Thank you Uncle Richard, Auntie Jennifer, Chelsea, Brennen and Joshua Joel. Thank you for loving Daniel. He loved you all very much. You are his family too xoxo
Lisa (Daniel's Step mom); Thank you for loving Daniel. It has never been lost on me how much you cared for him. You cooked for him, you put weight on him and most importantly... you love his father. That is the greatest gift you ever gave Daniel, besides the love for him. I wish I could tell your story with Daniel better, but I feel so thankful. You made him feel safe. You didn't "over mother" him (I did). He could tell you things that he couldn't tell Steven and I. And that is huge. I do know that your family loved him too. He was always so proud to call all your nieces and nephews his cousins. He loved you very much. He knew you loved him. And he treasured the times he spent with you. Thank you for loving his Dad. Daniel was so handsome at your wedding, I know it was no question to have him involved, but he was so proud. He always told me. Thank you for continuing to love his Dad...I know Daniel can rest easy knowing that you are there to comfort Steven and care for him. I will be eternally grateful for the kindness and love that you showed our boy. Thank you from the bottom of my broken little heart xoxo
As sappy and heartfelt as this was to write, I have felt it needed to be said for sometime. Daniel's family was big, loving, and important to him. From the start with the Chapples and the Levesques, soon adding the Channells, and the Thurs....and all the others in between.
One of the very last texts I got from Daniel, on the day that he died he said
"Mum,I know that I am a blessed boy"
He knew. He had so much love to give, and he was equally as easy to love.
I miss my son, My heart is broken
Stacey
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Monday, 5 September 2011
I Wish To Hear His Name
Many things rip through my heart these days. Every single minute of every single day I am entirely consumed with my son. How can we ever even THINK of starting to heal with all that is spinning through our heads. His death was someone else's choice. Not Daniel's. He was so full of life. A small town boy with stars in his eyes. Looking for himself, and loving what he was finding. What gives me some kind of peace is KNOWING he was truly happy. He was happy with who he was. He was not conceited, he was not (too) vain....he just knew that this world was better than some of us saw it. He over came some big obstacles. The loss of his baby brother at the age of 3 1/2. Something a little boy should never have to know. The pain and sorrow. The lonleiness. Being an only child suddenly to a mother and father grieving. And now, my children are in that same category.
As school approaches this week, my son Joel, shared with me his worry about going back to school and people not knowing what to say and maybe making a big deal of the whole situation by talking about him, whispering around him...just talking about things they don't know to be true. My response (because i have lived this once before) was "Do you want people to pretend that it didn't happen? Because that hurts more sometimes" He agreed that would be worse. Unfortunately, I know this to be the truth. I have felt it.
For those of you who don't really KNOW me, I am not one who desires a lot of attention. I know this is the same for Steven. But, when it comes to this...a simple acknowledgement is a really good idea. I don't mean strangers either. If you knew me, or Steven, or Derek, or my kids, Daniel's grandparents or even especially Daniel before this tragedy....letting us know that you are thinking of us or just a gentle pat on the shoulder is a nice idea.. It is a fact that there is absolutely nothing anyone could say to any of us that will make it all better. It is also a fact that there is not even a remote possibility that you could make any of us feel any worse by mentioning his name. We will grieve every single day until we are here no more. I can tell you all this, Steven and I are in an elite group of people who have lost more than one child...and it is a group that I wish did not exist. I can say quite honestly if this tragedy were to happen to someone I knew (and I PRAY it never does) I would not know what to say, but I would say their name. And mentioning Daniel's name will NEVER hurt us...ever. We are all so very proud of the amazing man he was...the brilliant child that he was...the loving son that he was.
I was given a beautiful card from Ross, Phyllis and Stacy Lang that had a poem in it that touched my heart and I would like to share it with you.
DON'T TELL ME
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child too.
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because, that's just not true.
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me.
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I can not see.
Don't tell me it's time to move on,
because I can not.
Don't tell me to face the fact that he's gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop.
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more.
Don't tell me when I am my old self, you will be glad,
I will never be as I was before.
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child.
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while.
And please don't hesitate to say his name.
Because it is something I long to hear every day.
Friends please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become some day.
Revelstoke is a city united. The out pouring of kindness is completely beyond my expectations. This little city of ours has been so merciful to Daniel's entire family and all of his friends. Never have I seen such kindness. And if ever crosses your mind to tell any of us a story, or a memory, or even just a hug or kind word...please know that sometimes saying something, is better than saying nothing at all.
I pray to be well some day...all of us.
Stacey
As school approaches this week, my son Joel, shared with me his worry about going back to school and people not knowing what to say and maybe making a big deal of the whole situation by talking about him, whispering around him...just talking about things they don't know to be true. My response (because i have lived this once before) was "Do you want people to pretend that it didn't happen? Because that hurts more sometimes" He agreed that would be worse. Unfortunately, I know this to be the truth. I have felt it.
For those of you who don't really KNOW me, I am not one who desires a lot of attention. I know this is the same for Steven. But, when it comes to this...a simple acknowledgement is a really good idea. I don't mean strangers either. If you knew me, or Steven, or Derek, or my kids, Daniel's grandparents or even especially Daniel before this tragedy....letting us know that you are thinking of us or just a gentle pat on the shoulder is a nice idea.. It is a fact that there is absolutely nothing anyone could say to any of us that will make it all better. It is also a fact that there is not even a remote possibility that you could make any of us feel any worse by mentioning his name. We will grieve every single day until we are here no more. I can tell you all this, Steven and I are in an elite group of people who have lost more than one child...and it is a group that I wish did not exist. I can say quite honestly if this tragedy were to happen to someone I knew (and I PRAY it never does) I would not know what to say, but I would say their name. And mentioning Daniel's name will NEVER hurt us...ever. We are all so very proud of the amazing man he was...the brilliant child that he was...the loving son that he was.
I was given a beautiful card from Ross, Phyllis and Stacy Lang that had a poem in it that touched my heart and I would like to share it with you.
DON'T TELL ME
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child too.
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because, that's just not true.
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me.
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I can not see.
Don't tell me it's time to move on,
because I can not.
Don't tell me to face the fact that he's gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop.
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more.
Don't tell me when I am my old self, you will be glad,
I will never be as I was before.
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child.
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while.
And please don't hesitate to say his name.
Because it is something I long to hear every day.
Friends please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become some day.
Revelstoke is a city united. The out pouring of kindness is completely beyond my expectations. This little city of ours has been so merciful to Daniel's entire family and all of his friends. Never have I seen such kindness. And if ever crosses your mind to tell any of us a story, or a memory, or even just a hug or kind word...please know that sometimes saying something, is better than saying nothing at all.
I pray to be well some day...all of us.
Stacey
Friday, 2 September 2011
I Miss My Boy!!
30 days and each day harder then the last. I'm consumed every minute of the day trying to wrap my head around how and why this had to happen to my boy. And no matter how I spin it, the end result is senseless and tragic. Stacey and I didn't deserve this. His brother and sister didn't deserve this. His family and friends didn't deserve this. DANIEL DEFINITELY DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!! And I'm saddened on so many levels knowing that the days, months and years ahead are only going to get harder. There will be outrageous lies and factual truths and everything in between. For those that really knew Daniel and shared in his glorious life, they will be able to identify fact from fiction.
I want to share a story about Daniel that I've only told a few people about. Last summer he came to live with Lisa and I. He did this to not only visit us but to work for me and save some money. His biggest goal last summer was to save up enough money to work and visit his girlfriend Therese who lives in Norway. I was very proud at how hard and diligently he worked. That winter he lived in Norway for 3 months and I was very happy he finally accomplished one of his goals.
One morning Daniel got up early and walked roughly 5 blocks to the corner store. He did this to buy his smokes (which he knew I hated). Half way there you walk past the RCMP Detachment. At that time there were 2 guys who had just been released from the drunk tank. Rather then crossing the road and avoiding a potential confrontation, he walked right by them and they asked him for a smoke. After a little chat, Daniel left there less a few cigarettes and $5. He told me about this the next day as we were driving to work. Lac La Biche has a reputation of a rough town and Daniel knew this.
I told Daniel that he needed to be careful and that he was better off crossing the road and avoiding such a confrontation. I'll never forget what he told me..."Dad, how can you be so cruel?" I was taken aback by this. I told him that he needs to be careful and that his honest intentions are not always shared by strangers. He then told me..."I'm not like you dad, you're too cynical?"
That 2 minute conversation has really stuck with me the past 3 weeks. All I wanted to do was protect my boy. I wanted him to be safe and not so trusting and naive. And I can't help but think his trusting nature made him an unfortunate victim. If only he was more cynical. But Daniel wasn't these things. He was loving and honest. He was trusting and genuine. He always saw the good in people and never judged them harshly. To those who didn't know him would think this is too far fetched to be true. After all, any parent would say that about their child. But for those who knew him, they know I speak the truth. More people need to be like him. I need to be more like him. I'm blessed to have Daniel as my son and my heart will forever ache.
I miss you so much Daniel Jordan Levesque!!
Your Dad
I want to share a story about Daniel that I've only told a few people about. Last summer he came to live with Lisa and I. He did this to not only visit us but to work for me and save some money. His biggest goal last summer was to save up enough money to work and visit his girlfriend Therese who lives in Norway. I was very proud at how hard and diligently he worked. That winter he lived in Norway for 3 months and I was very happy he finally accomplished one of his goals.
One morning Daniel got up early and walked roughly 5 blocks to the corner store. He did this to buy his smokes (which he knew I hated). Half way there you walk past the RCMP Detachment. At that time there were 2 guys who had just been released from the drunk tank. Rather then crossing the road and avoiding a potential confrontation, he walked right by them and they asked him for a smoke. After a little chat, Daniel left there less a few cigarettes and $5. He told me about this the next day as we were driving to work. Lac La Biche has a reputation of a rough town and Daniel knew this.
I told Daniel that he needed to be careful and that he was better off crossing the road and avoiding such a confrontation. I'll never forget what he told me..."Dad, how can you be so cruel?" I was taken aback by this. I told him that he needs to be careful and that his honest intentions are not always shared by strangers. He then told me..."I'm not like you dad, you're too cynical?"
That 2 minute conversation has really stuck with me the past 3 weeks. All I wanted to do was protect my boy. I wanted him to be safe and not so trusting and naive. And I can't help but think his trusting nature made him an unfortunate victim. If only he was more cynical. But Daniel wasn't these things. He was loving and honest. He was trusting and genuine. He always saw the good in people and never judged them harshly. To those who didn't know him would think this is too far fetched to be true. After all, any parent would say that about their child. But for those who knew him, they know I speak the truth. More people need to be like him. I need to be more like him. I'm blessed to have Daniel as my son and my heart will forever ache.
I miss you so much Daniel Jordan Levesque!!
Your Dad
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Sept 1
So today was not much of anything....no plea entered. Court adjourned until November 22. Not much else to report about that.
Tonight i would like to share some poems. As you all know, Daniel was a poet. His writings are nothing short of phenomenal. I look forward to sharing bits and pieces of his life.
It turns out that Daniel wasn't our only poet. Both his sister Lainey, and his cousin Chelsea have written poems for him and about him. They are both heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. It isn't fair that they have to endure such pain at such young ages. Here they are.
Holding My Hand
By Lainey Thur (Daniel's baby sister)
Age 12
Thinking of your death,
makes me look like a mess.
No one deserves this,
Especially not Mum.
No one should go through this,
It is not fun.
Nothing will be the same again,
Everything will change until the end,
Where we meet again,
And you are beside me,
Holding my hand.
You are now up above, my love.
But, in years there will be no tears,
Because you will be beside me,
Holding my hand.
My Cousin Daniel
By Chelsea Jean Thur (Daniel's cousin)
Age 12
He was caring, He was kind
He had such a creative mind
Not a day would go by
Without him saying "Hi"
His eyes sparkled in the light
His heart full of joy and might
Most say he was best
For that is not the rest
He was my cousin and my friend
I wish his life never had to end
I loved him so much
My family is crushed
He is worlds greatest creation
In his wonderful generation
Daniel loved these girls and its hard to explain to them why. I am not even sure what advice he would give them. He's who they would be turning to,now, if they could.
Here's to another day, with one foot in front of another.
I am forever,
Daniel's Mum
Tonight i would like to share some poems. As you all know, Daniel was a poet. His writings are nothing short of phenomenal. I look forward to sharing bits and pieces of his life.
It turns out that Daniel wasn't our only poet. Both his sister Lainey, and his cousin Chelsea have written poems for him and about him. They are both heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. It isn't fair that they have to endure such pain at such young ages. Here they are.
Holding My Hand
By Lainey Thur (Daniel's baby sister)
Age 12
Thinking of your death,
makes me look like a mess.
No one deserves this,
Especially not Mum.
No one should go through this,
It is not fun.
Nothing will be the same again,
Everything will change until the end,
Where we meet again,
And you are beside me,
Holding my hand.
You are now up above, my love.
But, in years there will be no tears,
Because you will be beside me,
Holding my hand.
My Cousin Daniel
By Chelsea Jean Thur (Daniel's cousin)
Age 12
He was caring, He was kind
He had such a creative mind
Not a day would go by
Without him saying "Hi"
His eyes sparkled in the light
His heart full of joy and might
Most say he was best
For that is not the rest
He was my cousin and my friend
I wish his life never had to end
I loved him so much
My family is crushed
He is worlds greatest creation
In his wonderful generation
Daniel loved these girls and its hard to explain to them why. I am not even sure what advice he would give them. He's who they would be turning to,now, if they could.
Here's to another day, with one foot in front of another.
I am forever,
Daniel's Mum
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Today, another day :(
So, today was especially hard for some reason. i guess i really just miss my boy. As i watch my 2 younger children's tears, my heart breaks even more. This is not fair. Not fair one bit. As i take care of some of the necessary things that have to be sorted out, i reach for a death certificate. Why in heaven's name do i have in my possession not one but TWO death certificates in 2 boys names!! i can not believe that this is my life. What a bad dream :(
On September 1 there is another court date. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank Laurel Russel for making the trip to Victoria last time, and again this Thursday proudly wearing Daniel's picture an red ribbon. Representing our family and all of Daniel's friends. This court date is an appearance to enter a plea. My prayers and wishes are for a "guilty" plea someday...although it is unlikely. I wish for it. Please pray for it.
I found this Bible verse in Daniel's things today in his handwriting (oh! and i found another dime xo)
"But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own"
Matthew 6:33-34
Be well
Stace
On September 1 there is another court date. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank Laurel Russel for making the trip to Victoria last time, and again this Thursday proudly wearing Daniel's picture an red ribbon. Representing our family and all of Daniel's friends. This court date is an appearance to enter a plea. My prayers and wishes are for a "guilty" plea someday...although it is unlikely. I wish for it. Please pray for it.
I found this Bible verse in Daniel's things today in his handwriting (oh! and i found another dime xo)
"But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own"
Matthew 6:33-34
Be well
Stace
Sunday, 28 August 2011
My Soul Aches
Well here it is, Sunday night and it has just taken me about 2 hours to figure out how to set up a blog. As you can all imagine, the person i would have turned to for help with this, was Daniel. I do have a lot of things to share about my trip to Victoria, and yet, not really much at the same time. I do see what Daniel loved so much about that beautiful city. It was so easy to see him at my every step. (Meeting Dan and George at the Baja Grill was by far the best part....i know Daniel's heart is still there)
I started my morning off by heading directly to the RCMP head quarters to meet with the investigators. Right from the start i was scared and nervous. A grieving mother standing at the doors of the Victoria Major Crime Unit was just not somewhere i ever imagined my feet would take me. The 2 detectives that i first met with were very kind. i dont imagine that they expected someone like me when they set up this meeting. There i stood feeling like a little girl, wanting to meet these people who are in charge of finding even a slight bit of reasoning to this earth shattering tragedy. These men never knew my son. The day they met him, he was already gone. He was referred to in the papers as the "second homicide victim in Victoria in 2011". I was there to not let him be that anymore. In my sweaty little hands i held 2 local newspapers form Revelstoke, and the card from his funeral. I wanted them to read every word and see pictures of my beautiful son who loved life ...the poet, the musician, the love of my life.
In the first few minutes of our meeting, i realized that they wanted the same thing as me. They wanted to know who Daniel was. How confused must they all be!!! Here is this, by all accounts, vibrant young aspiring musician...dead. and for what??
They let me ramble on and on about how much i loved him and how he really was a good boy. Make no mistake, i was very clear that Daniel probably didnt tell me everything, but he told me a lot. I have texts to prove it. I know Daniel wasn't perfect (who is) and i am sure he kept things from his mother (who doesn't) but for the things that mattered....i knew. I explained that I have countless letters in my facebook inbox that said the same things about Daniel as I was saying. He was amazing, a true inspiration, a defender of the weak, often a friend to the friendless...and i didnt know all that because i am his mum, everyone knows this about Daniel.
Now for the uncomfortable information. They were unable to give me any real information to tell the truth. What they could tell me was that they have known right from the start that Daniel was a victim, in every sense of the word. When the detectives arrived on the scene that night, what they saw (i dont know what that was), told a completely different story to what was described earlier that night in the 911 call. They told me, that they did not hesitate in arriving to the conclusion that this was a murder.
What makes this investigation so complicated, more complicated than most, is that there are no witnesses. There were only 2 people there that evening, and one cant tell his side. What is also going to make this road even longer is the facts.....what the police "think" happened, what their guts are telling them, and what they can prove, are two vastly different things. They very sensitively, explained to me that this is going to get worse before it gets better. And that makes me sooo sad. Another thing i learned, is that the person in custody isnt talking....at all....so i guess its up to lawyers now.
After almost 5 hours, and 3 detectives, my day was done. I left with more questions than answers. More heartache. I know that Daniel's personal life will be attacked....there will be lies spoken, and truth about what happened to him in his last few hours of life is going to sear my heart again. He was 20, but he was still my baby. He was independent and living his life away from me, but he's still my baby. He was on his path to success and happiness ...and i couldn't be more proud of my baby. i miss him so much.
So, as of this very day, it has been 25 days since Daniel left this earth. It seems like its been forever, and yet at moments i still find myself hoping that it isnt real......
May Peace and Love Prevail
Stacey
I started my morning off by heading directly to the RCMP head quarters to meet with the investigators. Right from the start i was scared and nervous. A grieving mother standing at the doors of the Victoria Major Crime Unit was just not somewhere i ever imagined my feet would take me. The 2 detectives that i first met with were very kind. i dont imagine that they expected someone like me when they set up this meeting. There i stood feeling like a little girl, wanting to meet these people who are in charge of finding even a slight bit of reasoning to this earth shattering tragedy. These men never knew my son. The day they met him, he was already gone. He was referred to in the papers as the "second homicide victim in Victoria in 2011". I was there to not let him be that anymore. In my sweaty little hands i held 2 local newspapers form Revelstoke, and the card from his funeral. I wanted them to read every word and see pictures of my beautiful son who loved life ...the poet, the musician, the love of my life.
In the first few minutes of our meeting, i realized that they wanted the same thing as me. They wanted to know who Daniel was. How confused must they all be!!! Here is this, by all accounts, vibrant young aspiring musician...dead. and for what??
They let me ramble on and on about how much i loved him and how he really was a good boy. Make no mistake, i was very clear that Daniel probably didnt tell me everything, but he told me a lot. I have texts to prove it. I know Daniel wasn't perfect (who is) and i am sure he kept things from his mother (who doesn't) but for the things that mattered....i knew. I explained that I have countless letters in my facebook inbox that said the same things about Daniel as I was saying. He was amazing, a true inspiration, a defender of the weak, often a friend to the friendless...and i didnt know all that because i am his mum, everyone knows this about Daniel.
Now for the uncomfortable information. They were unable to give me any real information to tell the truth. What they could tell me was that they have known right from the start that Daniel was a victim, in every sense of the word. When the detectives arrived on the scene that night, what they saw (i dont know what that was), told a completely different story to what was described earlier that night in the 911 call. They told me, that they did not hesitate in arriving to the conclusion that this was a murder.
What makes this investigation so complicated, more complicated than most, is that there are no witnesses. There were only 2 people there that evening, and one cant tell his side. What is also going to make this road even longer is the facts.....what the police "think" happened, what their guts are telling them, and what they can prove, are two vastly different things. They very sensitively, explained to me that this is going to get worse before it gets better. And that makes me sooo sad. Another thing i learned, is that the person in custody isnt talking....at all....so i guess its up to lawyers now.
After almost 5 hours, and 3 detectives, my day was done. I left with more questions than answers. More heartache. I know that Daniel's personal life will be attacked....there will be lies spoken, and truth about what happened to him in his last few hours of life is going to sear my heart again. He was 20, but he was still my baby. He was independent and living his life away from me, but he's still my baby. He was on his path to success and happiness ...and i couldn't be more proud of my baby. i miss him so much.
So, as of this very day, it has been 25 days since Daniel left this earth. It seems like its been forever, and yet at moments i still find myself hoping that it isnt real......
May Peace and Love Prevail
Stacey
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