Hold Your Head High

Well I know that I really should have posted again on here before now.  Some people are probably wondering what the results were of the appearance on Tuesday afternoon in Victoria.  I wish that I had something to report on...but I do not.  Unfortunately, no plea was entered on that day.  The defense team declared they do not have enough "disclosure".  They need more time.... Here's a newsflash...I want more time with Daniel...oh that's right!  I don't get that luxury.  Not exactly fair that the person that murdered him gets more time to make up stuff that isn't true and about what happened that night.  Anyway, the judge decided that it was okay that the defense wasn't ready yet and has now adjourned court again until
January 10th. 
Now that I have been clearly sarcastic and my first paragraph is dripping in disgust, I will now share the wise words of a man who's thoughts and heart I truly treasure.  Not very long after this happened to me, my friend Gary sat beside me, watched me cry and very tenderly told me the words that echo in my head.  They echo often when I start feeling like I just expressed in this blog.  We must not look to the justice system for comfort or even hope.  The fact of the matter is, no punishment will ever be enough for that coward, and absolutely nothing that comes of this will ever bring Daniel back.  Therefore, I (we all) need to not look towards these days ahead for comfort.  And it's hard to do.  The defense not entering a plea really doesn't change much of anything.  The facts remain...Daniel is gone, the person responsible is still in jail...and time is always going to keep ticking along....but I found myself very disappointed on Tuesday.  It was a VERY bad day for me...but i know that those days will come...and I can't stop them.  What I do take comfort in is the out pouring of love and affection Joel, Lainey and I constantly experience.  It really is what keeps our heads above the water...so that maybe THIS week, wont be as difficult as LAST week.

As I re read my last post I discovered that some of what I wrote was missing??? I don't know how that happened!!  I shared last week my return to work.  It's been almost 4 months and I have started back slowly with a graduated to work plan with my employer.  Part of why I shared it was because I wanted to publicly thank my brothers and sisters of the Teamsters Canada Rail Conference Local 657 Revelstoke, and also my immediate supervisors at Canadian Pacific.  I have been blessed with understanding and care and generosity that far surpasses anything I would have dreamed.  Although I have not had a lot of service with the company and my peers, I very much felt the love and care from everyone and I am so very thankful.  It is good to be back, even at a limited capacity ....good to get my mind working again and I look forward to better days ahead when I am able to be truly well after all of this.  It seems far away in some respects, but I know I have already come so far since August 4th. (the day I was told of his death).

Another major milestone happened this week that I would like to share.   Daniel's cemetery marker was installed (also on Tuesday <---- possibly why Tuesday was so hard)  It is absolutely beautiful.  I really want to share a picture of it but I wanted to give a warning before I do.  I will not post it tonight but on my next post  I will.  I just know that there are many people who aren't able to see it in person.  It made me so sad :(  It makes it so final.  I am so tired of choosing headstones for my children.  I do not want to choose another and I beg God daily that he will never take another from me.  It is without a doubt THE most unnatural thing to do in this world.  Burying a child.  And choosing the final marker, to show that a life WAS LIVED...is not a nice thing to do.  I wanted it so perfect...fitting for my son(s) the most beautiful.  I miss them so much :(  My heart is so sore. 

In closing I would like to share an excerpt of one of Daniel's writings...and although it mentions me in it, I read and re read this writing daily.  We all have something we can learn.

WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END

(edited for language...sorry Daniel xo)

March 03, 2009

When will this nightmare end?  When you decide to wake up

Your life is what you make it, listen up. 

people who think they have it so much worse than others are simply absurd

today is a day i cannot forget because today would be the day that my 

brother turned 16. 

be thankful for what you have

if my mother can carry on through the hurt she has felt in her life 

than f*ck it, so can you.

think about those who don't live in a warm house, 

with no food to eat. 

remember the people in the world who have little to nothing, 

who are persecuted for the colour of their skin 

or 

the creed of their beliefs. 

realize how lucky you are. 

everyone feels pain, 

everyone experiences loss on all scales. 

you are not, and never will be, alone in your struggles. 

(no matter how you may like to think so.)

quit taking things for granted, 

that is how you lose them forever

make something of your life,

rinse the self pity from your skin 

at this age we are capable of overcoming any obstacle in lieu of allowing them to dominate our lives every single day.

look to those who have been there and over come their problems,

these people surround you because they are everyone. 

one of my best friends lost nearly an entire year of his life and is now more dedicated to making a good and happy life for him than almost anyone else i know, and for that,

i love and respect him more than i ever thought i could.

so there's your answer, anyone searching for it, in the wise words of khrystal fitzmaurice..

"you're nightmare will end when you decide to wake the ____ up" 

Hold your head high......
Stace

An Update

Here's a little update....unfortunately I am a little too cynical and numb to be very inspiring tonight...
I almost didn't write but I feel I should considering the date tomorrow.
It's November 22, the date of the person who took my son's life's third court appearance.  The day that he is to make an official plea...guilty or not guilty. 
I really don't know what the hold up has really been because I think we all know that this person has no intention of taking any responsibility for doing what he clearly did.  The only two people in that apartment that fateful day.  One is dead...the other is not.  How is there any real question as to guilt?  This is the part of our legal system that I will indeed, never understand...and never really did before. 
Oh those glorious days when I never imagined this would be a life I would know so intimately.  I am the mother of a murdered child.  The mother who has buried two sons. 
My very good friend Jennifer and I are the kind of people who watch Dateline, or W5 the Passionate Eye.  We have always been two people most interested in reading fascinating, albeit heart wrenching tales of lives lost.  Discussing over and over what we think may have happened, and why.  When this first had happened to Daniel, Jen said to me "This isn't supposed to happen to one of us...we are the ones who watch these shows!!"  Now it is real...Law and Order, CSI....wtf.

I had the privilege of talking to Sgt Craig Harper.  He is a very kind man who has talked to more than his fair share of grieving parents I am sure.  It's people like him and the others on his team, who do their best to make this world a better place.  It can not please him in anyway to have to call people like me and talk about the "case" , but, without people like me, people like HIM, wouldn't have a job.  Actually, let me rephrase that....without that person who murdered my son, people like Sgt. Harper, wouldn't have a job.  There, that makes more sense. 

I know that Daniel's murder is a terribly complicated case.  But never once, even in my most darkest moments, have I ever doubted the abilities of the men and women who have been doing their best to have the person responsible for all of our pain, punished.

Here is what news I can share......
that's right...nothing much.  There isn't a lot they can tell me.  Everything is confidential for the most part, even kept secret from me.  I wish it weren't that way, but I don't make the rules, and neither do the police.  One of the investigators described it to me like this....imagine the building of the case like a ladder.  Every time you let out any little detail its like removing a wrung.  It weakens.  And I can admit, that even though I am a very good secret keeper, it would be most difficult to not speak of things I am not supposed to.

And, you see, this person who deserves not a single ounce of fairness, has a RIGHT to a fair trial.  Pfft...as if.  Daniel didn't get a fair anything in all of this.

*  There has been no application for bail at this point, and the Victoria Police will fight any application they get for it.  They even have special officers whose job is to have a package ready for why they oppose bail. 
*  There will be a preliminary trial sometime in the spring most likely.  This is done in front of a judge at a provincial level.  It's something like a mini trial where a judge will decide if there is enough evidence at that time to continue on.  After that is moved forward, the Crown Council polishes their case, to present in Supreme Court.
*  Second Degree Murder is a Federal Offence which MUST be tried in the Supreme Court in front of a jury.  The only time a jury is not involved is if both sides agree to a trial by judge only, but this is not very common.
*  It will indeed be a very long time for this to actually take place.  2 years from the offence is not uncommon, and to expect it much earlier than that, is unwise.
On that note....for those of you who think it's taking too long and you want to know "what's the hold up", know this....it is going as quickly as it can possibly go.  Sgt. Harper said to me that we need to be almost thankful that there isn't a trial anytime soon.  Because if there was, he would probably get off.  Why? Because they don't have all their evidence analysed, or in order.  That is where the real hold up is.  When a piece of evidence needs to be processed, it has to be sent to Ottawa.  Canada's CSI lab.  Realize this, life isn't like a tv show.  I imagine that shows like CSI must be so frustrating to watch.  "QUICK!!  I need this DNA processed STAT!!"  ha  and an hour later its done...not so is the Canadian system.  Some evidence takes 6 months to come back.  AND...they cant send new things to be processed until the first batch of things comes back...sit...and wait....and my son is still gone.

I am truly thankful for people like Sgt. Craig Harper, and Det. Mike Darling and their colleagues because I know they aren't taking this lightly....and neither am I.



For those of you who sent letters about Daniel, I thank you.  Thank you for taking time out of your day to do that for him.  You all know that he would do the same for you.  For those who are on the fence about it what are you waiting for?  Please put a pen to paper, even if it is only 4 lines long, it would mean the world to him and I believe that ever word on ever paper opened in that Victoria office is read and cared for.  They will all go into a file kept for the Crown Council to read and know how much this boy was loved.  He deserves a million letters....because I promise you, every letter about Daniel just compounds the lack of love and support for this person who took our dear Daniel away from us.  He has no one writing letters about him...this I can guarantee.   Here is the address again (take note of the new name you can write to if you haven't already started)

ATTN: SGT. Margo Downey
2881 Nanaimo Street,
Victoria, B.C.,
V8T 4Z8

For those of you who pray, please give some extra attention to tomorrow.
My dear friend Laurel Russell will be in the courtroom at 1500 tomorrow proudly holding a picture of my little boy because I can not.
 

He is not just a name.
He is not just a victim.
He is not just Victoria's second homicide of 2011.
He IS
Daniel Jordan Levesque.
The Poet.
The Musician.
The most wonderful.
My dear boy.

I miss him so much :(


Stace xo

Kayne

So, Today is Kayne Cameron's 19th birthday. 
For those of you who don't know Kayne, he is one of Daniel's most loved best friends.  Now please, anyone who is reading this do not be offended...I beg you...Daniel had so many amazing friends, friends he cared so deeply for.  Friends he would move mountains for...and they would do the same for him.  I don't know if I have ever known anyone so loved as Daniel is.  He touched so many lives and befriended the friendless and the easy to love, equally.
But Kayne had a different part of his heart.
Daniel did not know Kayne as long as many of his close friends.  They did not play together as little boys, but, the day they met, Daniel said, he felt like he had a brother he finally met.
Daniel adored Kayne.
He worked with him at Coopers, he partied (too much) with him...he told Kayne his secrets and Kayne did the same.  What many of you don't realize is a connection not even known to Daniel until a couple of years ago.
He one time said to me
"Mum, i just can't explain the connection I have with Kayne"  
and I said...
"I can".  
You see, the day Daniel told me he had made a new friend, I knew.

                                                            
The day my baby died, as I sat on my chair holding him wailing and screaming.  In walked the paramedics to take him from my arms.  They were the two most wonderful and compassionate women.  Both mothers, they cradled him and looked after him as if he was their own...knowing by  looking at him there was nothing they could do.  They tried so hard to console me, while tears streamed down even their own faces.  I will never forget either of them as long as I live.  I am fortunate to end up knowing them both on a personal level...a connection I could never forget. Kellie Christy and Suzie Cameron.

Amongst all of my memories that day, all of my anguish, all of my tears I remember this sentence
"I have a beautiful blond boy at home who is around the same age.  He looks just like him"  
She was crying, I was crying....we all were crying.  This, of course was baby Kayne.  Kayne would have been a bit older of course.  They are 4 months apart.  Today is his 19th birthday, and Kiki wont be 19 until March.
I have always believed that the connection was made that day.  I am not sure if Suzie saw Daniel or not at the house, but I do know that her AND Nel loved him like they had known him forever.  And when Kayne and Daniel met, the sparks kinda flew I think, and their souls officially connected.


You could often see them kissing and hugging.  They were always happy and funny together...not always agreeing I am sure...but always on each others sides.  Kayne and Molly went to visit Daniel in July in Victoria.  Daniel was so excited.  His fb status had a count down ending on the day Kayne got there with
" kaynekaynekaynekayne!!! yessss Kayne Cameron! YES YES YES!" I know they had a blast, the pictures tell me, and so did Daniel.  I am so happy that they had that time...it was their last kisses and hugs.
Their goodbye .

I wish to write about all his friends on here.  The ones he loved the most, and I will.  Hard thing is, he loved so many.  I know today, if Daniel could pick ONE party to come back for, he would have chosen tonight.  How he would love to see Kayne show his ID to the bouncer at the Regent, and hear him say...
"You turned 19 today?  I thought you were 19 already"...haha.
Because I am almost sure...that's exactly how it went.

Happy Birthday Kayne Cameron.  Your big brother in Heaven is watching you...loving you and wishing you to feel the joy you always felt together.  I love you. We all love you.  xoxo

Total Brilliance

Oh boy am I having a bad day.    I am so disappointed in how some people treat others.  I am not directly referring to the obvious, which would be how Daniel was treated on August 3rd, but, all in all....our world is sometimes less than desirable.

I am referring to an incident at a local store where I was treated so poorly today,  that I even had to make it my facebook status.  This establishment isn't a place I enjoy going to partly for the fact that Daniel was treated badly at times and, as his mother, I haven't forgotten.

After Daniel died, as a lot of you know, I was blessed with the gift of some of the journals he kept.  A few weeks ago, Joel and I found one, in particular, that he had hidden among some of his things.

The very first page reads like this....

"This is Daniel Jordan Levesque's journal.  If you are reading it there is a chance that I am unaware of it.  If you have any love in your heart, you will not continue reading, as these thoughts are private and not for anyone's eyes but mine"

As tempted as I was to read on, Joel reminded me....that I do indeed love Daniel...and he was asking me, even now, not to read it.
So I didn't.  I still haven't.  And I won't.
I asked Joel to skim through it and see when it was written, and it was when he was in grade 11...a not very fun time in his life....and Joel assured me, there would be nothing helpful in it....so I put it away...BUT...not before a few pages fell out.
I read these.
What they were, were notes on his time at work when he was accused of doing something that he swore (and I still believe) he didn't do.  He was treated poorly and I got to relive it by reading my son's own version of it.  It broke my heart all over again like it did back then.  It matters not now what happened...Daniel dealt with it and it's over....but I hated reading it all over again.

Today, a person who does not know me (not that it matters really if he did know me) spoke to me in such a way that I was so angry I complained about him.  I am not,by nature, a complainer but I could not let this one go.  Even though you may not think this is a place to air such dissatisfaction, I just needed to blog about how someone's uncaring attitude can affect others.

Grief is an unfair emotion.  It displays itself in ways you don't expect.  Like, being upset by someone who means nothing to me....made me cry my eyes out in my car.  You see, in the back of my very busy mind...is the fact that I have lost not 1 but 2 children.  Its always there, like a bad bruise and when it gets knocked, it aches more.

To illustrate further, imagine it like this.  You are playing hockey and you block a shot with your leg.  It hurts and leaves a nasty bruise.  When you go home and ice it, it feels better a bit...kind of throbs...but its tolerable.  You get your mom to bring you a drink and a snack (can you tell I have lived this with Joel) and she makes you feel better.  You're not moving, and your needs are met...maybe tomorrow will be better....Well guess what...tomorrow it feels worsee!! Now it is black and blue and when you are laying in bed maybe you forget about it...you try to walk...it hurts...you've got weight on it...it hurts.... you can feel it's there so you take it easy.  But then your little sister is running by you and accidentally hits your leg with her backpack...OMG!!  Remember that bruise you knew you had and it ached??  Well now you want to punch someone (hopefully not your little sister).  Seems like a simple illustration but its accurate in a lot of ways.  (Although bruises heal and eventually go away grief doesn't.)  The moment your bruise gets hit you don't dwell on the backpack that hit you, you remember that shot you blocked and how much it still hurts.  That's what grief does too...it may be something that is irritating to handle in everyday life, but when the emotions get all stirred up, the grief rears its awful head and the heart aches twice as bad.  What happened today wasn't something any person would have shrugged off, believe me.  Any person would have been upset with how they were treated if they were me, but I thought I would share with you  the journey of grief and how it presents itself in life.
And maybe, we should all think twice about how we treat others because we don't want to be....
A) read about by someone's mother in their journal after their life was taken or....
B) contribute to anyone's already suffering grief by being a jerk to them.
I am not asking for any special treatment because of what has happened to me in my life, but can't we all just get along?

A very good friend of mine shared with me some very fascinating thoughts on life, and death.  Why do I choose to share it tonight? Because it made me feel better when I read it and I think he is a great guy :)

Now, I understand that nobody likes to think of this- but each and everyone of us is living on limited breaths.


Many people live with a fear of death. They take extra precautions to ensure that they extend their
on this earth to its maximum potential. They give up once-in-a-lifetime opportunities out of fear, and rob themselves of a chance for a truly spectacular moment. I truly wish that people would place the same emphasis on the enjoyment of their time here rather than just extension. Wasted moments are wasted moments, no matter how long you are able to live in this life and we all need to understand that no matter who we are, it can all be taken from us in the blink of an eye. What is the point of living forever if we're not making the most of life? This is why it is so critically important to squeeze as much joy out of every moment that we can.

As you live today, be sure to live. Embrace it all, and live as though you are on borrowed time. 
We all are.

Forgive. 
Forget. 
Don't hold grudges. 
Don't worry about the things you cannot change, and change the things you can rather than worrying about them. 
Dance. 
Kiss the girl- this may be your only shot. 
Don't waste energy on embarrassment, nobody is better than you, and nothing gives us the right to judge one another for doing what makes us happy. 
Tell your mom you love her. 
While you're at it, dad too. Their time is limited too, after all and you're certainly gonna miss them when they're gone....That is, if you had the luck to even meet them... Many haven't. 
Remember, any moment that you waste in anger, or envy, or in any way negatively is a moment that you just quite simply can never get back. Many will argue with me on this, but we live with absolutely no guarantee what happens after we die. All we can really live for is the time that we do have before that day, and it would be a damn shame to piss that time away.Live for the guarantee. 
Live for life. 
Live for right now.

If you're old enough to read this, know that people younger than you have died. You are already luckier than many- you have had more of a chance to live than so many unfortunate people, and really don't know if there could be a freak accident tomorrow to end it all. Don't take for granted what you have, which is time. Maybe a limited amount, but time nonetheless. 
Use it.

Of course it's not always going to be easy. The bad days are inevitable. That's life. Nobody's life is perfect, and we're all due to have some bad luck. Make the most of what you can, and try so very hard to focus on the positive aspects rather than the unfortunate circumstances during bad times. Feeling sorry for yourself is going to do nothing but chisel away at the already limited time that you have here and prolong or worsen the impact of pains we endure.Obviously sadness is an emotion we cannot avoid, but please try to remember... We're all in this together, you're never alone, and things will always get better- even when it seems like they never will.

Lastly, know what you're worth. There may be Seven Billion people walking this planet, but each and every one of us is equal, and infinitely valuable. A human life is the most precious commodity on Earth, and should be treated as such. Your value, and your potential are limitless. You will never be replaced, and to the people you affect- you will never be forgotten. Be absolutely sure to chase your dreams, and do what you can to get what you want and what you deserve. Life should be approached with the belief that nothing is impossible, and that we are all capable of our own brand
of complete and total brilliance.

So to end this read I have a few things to add.  Sorry if you find this blog not as inspiring as some.  You see, people think I am so strong and brave but guess what....I don't have a choice.  I have the little ones who depend on me being well and I can't let them down.  I work very hard everyday....just getting up out of bed and you know what?  I have done just that every single day for the last 3 months and 4 days....sometimes I don't want to, but I do.  
Tomorrow is another day and I will be less upset at the world I am sure.  I am happy that my friend shared his thoughts with me, and they are very similar to how Daniel lived his life which I very much like.  I admire my son and all that he is.  He is an inspiration to me still and I will survive all of this because he loves me.
And, there is no greater love in a mother's heart, than for their child, no matter where he/she is.

Stace

PS...If you haven't read my last post entitled "Three Months" please read it if you can.  It's very sad but it has an important request at the end. xo

We miss you buddy

Well summer has come and gone, and Fall has definately showed itself here in Lac La Biche, as Steve and I finish closing the Golf course for the season I have thought of Daniel so very much these last few weeks( not that I havent been everyday) but so much more the last while. As we drive around the Golf course finishing doing our final cuts of the grass I sit in a mower that Daniel sat in last summer and the summer before and the tears roll down my face. Driving in the "gator" that he enjoyed bombing around in with the other kids on the crew, its amazing how little things like that trigger an emotional rollercoaster in my mind.
Last summer was our last summer with Daniel and I am so grateful that he decided to come up and stay. We were so lucky to have him up for 2 summers in a row working for his Dad Steve. As any previous times when he was younger he didn't like getting up at 5 am for work, Ha Ha, I CAN RELATE!!!
But as he got older he also became the responsible young man that we loved having there with us. I was even impressed when he would do some dishes for me :). And yes Stacey I agree, his room was "STINKY".
So now I sit here writting this down because I think its time I did.
First Things First I want to say what an Amazing strong woman Stacey is and has been throughout this whole tragedy, I don't know if I could do what she has done how she has handled everything she has been thrown. And for those who know me well know how "Tough" I can be.
She is a true inspiration.
For those who know me, know that I'm better at "Talking" then writting(yes I chuckle a bit, because I know some of you will think how correct that is) so bear with me as I babble Through this.
Daniel and I have had the typical Step-mom/Step-Son realtionship. I came into Daniels life when he was just 3, just before he lost his baby brother. It was a difficult time for eveyone. I was lucky enough to meet the "kikiman" and will never forget the blonde hair, blue eyed sweetheart. As I will never forget the Handsome Daniel. How can I? I see him everytime I look at his Dad Steven.
Yes Daniel and I had our moments, we butted heads on more then a few occasions. But that was Daniel and his strong personality(like me). I never told Daniel what to do, just what I thought of certain things he didn't want to tell his Mom or Dad, and in a way I treasured the fact that he would only talk to me about these things. Yes we had "talks" but I knew he was smart enough to make the right choices. We became quite close the last 5 years, the day his Dad and I "finally"(chuckle) got married was the day he said to me.."Hey Lisa I can finally call you MOM" I smiled and said..."Yes my SON you can" but in my mind he was a SON way before that Day.
I have a lot of fond memories of Daniel, teaching him to ski, teaching him to fish with his Dad Steven, camping trips where Daniel and I would always catch the most fish. Introducing him to 80's music(he loved it). Last summer was a great summer with him, probably one of our best, taking him out to the Bar with the "Cougars" poor kid didnt have a chance!! Taking him to Edmonton Shopping was another experience I think his Dad Steve was wore out by Mine and Daniels shopping(Chuckle). But Steve did introduce him to "Winners" where he would spend his whole cheque on T-shirts and Hoodies!!!
One thing I could always guarantee from Daniel is he always Thanked me for Dinner and Tell me how amazing it was( never got a chance to teach him to cook:( ..) Loved that about him, always polite and Kind. Stacey did an amazing job with all her kids. Stacey and I might not of been "best" friends but I never questioned how great of a Mother she is.
I am sure I have forgot to write many things down here today, but I can write more again, thats what this Blog is for.
So Christmas nears and and we get ready to head to Revelstoke in December I am so very sad knowing that Daniel wont be with us this year, to also Celebrate his Dad's birthday December 24th as we always do at the Levesques house every year. But I know he'll be there in spirit surrounding all of us, and want us to have a good Christmas, and I'll set a place for him at the table beside his Dad. I'll hold his broken hearted Dads hand and be strong for him, Daniel would want that.
The last thing Daniel said to me or wote on Facebook was "I love you" it is burned into my heart forever. He knew the difficult time I was having with my Mother being diagnosed with Cancer(and has made a full recovery) I think Daniel helped with that. And he took the time out of his day to tell me that, because that was how Daniel "Rolled" as he would say to me out on the Golfcourse.
THANK YOU DANIEL JORDAN LEVESQUE for being such a kind soul.
LOVE YOU, MISS YOU and ALWAYS THINKING OF YOU!!
Your step-mom Lisa Channell- Levesque
xxxxxooooo

Three Months (Version 2)

Bittersweet is an appropriate way to describe my feelings about being on Canadian soil again.  Happy to be home, but it's cold here!  I enjoyed my time with Donna very much and was sad to leave.  God was a really creative guy when he decided a plan for the islands of Hawaii :)

I was able to return home with something quite amazing.  The very vivid memory of my first dream of Daniel.  I wanted to write about it right away, but I couldn't.  I can barely type now as I think of it.  But I do want to share it with you.  I am busting with all sorts of things I want to share but I will try to pace myself so it all makes sense.

When I woke up on Monday morning my heart felt different.  I laid there and had to really think of why I felt that way.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Literally, I felt as though a huge rock was on my sinking heart as I remembered that I had spent some time with my son.
It was not as sweet as Lainey's was, or as special as one would think.  As some of you read you will chalk "dreamimg"  up to maybe the subconscious replaying our true feelings, or maybe you will believe that it is a small way we can connect with ones we have lost in a realm that is not for us to see with our closed minds.  I think it's a little of both.  My dream of Daniel was sort of confusing and not at all what I expected.  And after much thought, I believe that I have been seeing parts of this dream for weeks, as the beginning of it was very familiar, like I had seen it over and over....
I am not sure where we were, or really how we got there, but suddenly I was standing face to face with my Daniel.  He was dressed in that black plaid jacket he used to wear a lot when he was in high school. (kind of the lumberjack style).  As i walked to him, he was kind of sheepish with me.  This was the part I had seen before many times I now realize.  But this time, we spoke.  It was if time had not passed and it felt very natural for me to just say to him, 

"Come on honey, let's just go home"
He said to me, "Mum, I want to but I can't" 
I looked at him, and he was nervous and kind of stand offish and I said 
"Daniel, what's wrong?  How come you can't?"
And he replied to me.  "Aren't you mad at me Mum?"
With tears in his eyes and his bottom lip and chin trembling I embraced him and said,  
"No!  I am not mad at you! Why would I be?"
And he said (now with tears streaming down his face)  
"Because I left you, I didn't want to Mummy"  
"Oh Daniel.  Just come home now.  We will be alright.  I am not mad" 
He said he couldn't come with me but he hugged me tight and said
"Mum, I really wanted to come sooner but I was scared.  I never meant to hurt you and I am so sorry"  I started to cry and told him that I knew it wasn't his fault again and begged for him to come with me and he wouldn't.  To be honest, I felt like I lost him all over again, but he promised me that he would come see me again soon and for me not to cry (as if). 
This is all I remember.  And no matter how you look at why I would dream this, whether it was my own feelings,or his....it's hard to say.  What I do know, and have said it right from the day I found out about his death, is that whatever consciousness he had as his body was giving out on him, his last thoughts were very likely "I can't do this to my Mum" 
Daniel has always tried to spare my feelings and be tender and loving to me.  He knew what I had been through and he didn't want my heart to break anymore.  His deepest wish for me was that I would one day be whole and truly happy again.  He was standing by my side when I found his baby brother in his crib not breathing.  He heard my mournful wails as I held the baby sobbing in my rocking chair waiting for help to arrive.  Although he was only 3 at the time, he had a very vivid memory of that day.  How could he not?  His life was altered abruptly and he went from being a big brother, to being an only child. 
This is what he wrote this last spring.


"It had been almost 16 years.  Nearly, one would say, as the anniversary will be mourned in two months time.  I hate the thought.  I hate and dread the idea of that day's arrival.  It's the same story every year.  My Step Father buys the flowers, my siblings and I sign the card, and the delivery is made.  After the second year, things did not get better for my mother, nor did they get worse.  The same hole was left in her heart.  Same hole, same size.  Each February this day comes.  After Christmas, we just wait.  My siblings know nothing of the true heartache, for they were not yet born.  My Step Father is sympathetic, but only her and I awoke that morning, and for a year past that day, I remember nothing.  That cold February morning in the days of my youth, however is etched into my mind as clearly as the etched letters on my little brother's headstone.  And as the letters have dulled, and acquired their own tainting, so too will the memories of the day that changed our lives become dull.  Dull and tainted, but forever branded on the four corners of my mind"



He was a  sweet child who stood by my side and asked "Mummy what's wrong with the baby?"  Just as Joel stood by my side when the constable came to the door on August 4th to tell me that Daniel was gone.  Joel heard those same wails.  Sounds that only come from a grieving mothers body.  A sound so loud my neighbour heard my screams inside her house and came running to my rescue.  Sounds that are so unnatural, they should not exist.  I did not get to say goodbye to either of my sons.  Not until after they were gone. When the tears were falling from Daniel's eyes in my dream, they looked exactly like the tears that stained his most beautiful face as I cried and begged for him to wake up in his casket.  As I stroked his cold cheeks and wiped the literal POOLS of salty tears from his face, some had dripped into his closed eyes, and it looked like he was crying with me.  It mirrors the image I have of 16 years ago, when I wiped those same brand of tears from my little one's eyes, because he couldn't wipe them himself either.


I am not angry with Daniel.  For really and truly, he only had love in his heart.  He trusted the person who has done such evil.  He cared deeply for the friendship that they shared and he did not know what kind of a real person he is.  He shared this memory with this friend who murdered him.  That person KNEW what he had loved and lost.  He shared very deep parts of his heart with anyone who would listen.  For Daniel always believed that there was good in all things.  He could see the bad...but he knew somewhere...there was good. 
What made Daniel the man that he is, are the same things that got him killed.  This time he trusted and saw the good in someone that fooled him.  I wish I had the time to share with you the things they don't report in the newspapers and on the internet about what kind of mess this really is. 

I have a request.  Today marks the third month we have all had to live without Daniel's earthly presence in our lives.  Something that has bothered me from very early on, is that the investigators did not know who Daniel was.  They don't have Daniel's voice to defend himself and this person who is in custody, has months and months to drum up lies about Daniel and try to discredit who Daniel was.  In these last months I have been blessed with many emails, cards and facebook messages about how Daniel affected people's lives.  I told the investigators that of all the wonderful things I can say about Daniel, it's not just my mother's heart speaking for him.  I told them that I have a a thousand people who would stand up and agree with all the things I had told them.  He was a remarkable human being.  I started to think, what would Daniel have done for someone who meant so much to him, if they had met such a tragic death. What would he do?

He would write.

It would very much please Steven and I if people would take time out of their day, sometime soon, and write a letter to the detectives about Daniel.  About what kind of a person he is.  How he touched their lives and what life is like without him.  What kind of an impact this has made on our community and our world.  I know all of you who read this won't do it, but I know some will.  And I can see it now, letter after letter will appear in the mail, in Victoria, addressed to the lead investigator, simply explaining who Daniel was in life.  Nothing about the person in custody please...he doesn't deserve the paper or the pen.  Would you do this for me?  All of you who said you would do anything? Please. Daniel would do it for you.  This is the address:

Vancouver Island Integrated Major Crime Unit
ATTN: SGT. CRAIG HARPER
2881 Nanaimo Street,
Victoria, B.C.,
V8T 4Z8

 Maybe it seems silly to some, but for me, I feel like Daniel will be painted in a negative light that will not be easily digested by those who knew him for who he was.  I know that even I am unaware of all the details of what happened that night, or even leading up to that night.  I know Daniel held secrets from me.  But I also know that you can't change a person in 6 weeks.  That's all it was.  6 short weeks and he was gone at the hands of someone he called a friend.  I can't stomach the thought of this person getting away with this horrific act.  And I don't want the police to forget who the victim is, and who he was. 

So it's been 3 months....I have only a about 50 more years to go :(
And these 3 months are forever branded in the four corners of my mind.