As i sit at the kitchen table, after waking up in paradise, I am again struck by the sadness that is my life. I am still after what will almost be 3 months, in disbelief that Daniel will never come home. I may start every blog with a similar opening because, I imagine, I will always feel like this is not real.
When I go on fb and in the right corner it has my list of friends who are available to chat, Daniel's name is always there. The other names seem to change, but he sits there....and I wait for that little green circle to light up, and it never does. That sucks.
So, ya, it's true. I have been blessed in so many ways. I have been given a most generous gift of a holiday in the sunshine. A gift from Donna and Brian that is truly most generous and amazing. I am seeing sights and sounds, smelling beautiful flowers and feeling sand under my feet. I have had a lot of time to reflect on my whole life day after day. One time Julian told me that Daniel used to tell him that "Stacey is a saint" ..haha oh my boy...I wish that were true. Just as children hide their mistakes and imperfections from their parents, so do parents hide them from their children.
It is not uncommon for a child to look up at their parent adoringly, as if the sun rises and sets on them. We are their world...in every way for many many years. From the time that a child is conceived, our heart is their heart. I think back on the days that I carried Daniel. He was a complete surprise. Kind of a miracle really. He wasn't sick or in trouble, he was just meant to be. I was terrified to become a mother. Even though I was 21, I was a child in many ways. I was sheltered and not very worldly, life is just that way when you grow up in a small town. I was afraid to tell my parents I was pregnant and I knew my life was taking a HUGE turn. I had plans for school, more travel and just living a life only having myself to take care of. Then came Daniel. I wasn't sorry for the choice I made to have him and give him a life, the minute I laid my eyes on him I was madly in love. I knew then, that he was going to be a life changer. He changed mine just by growing and breathing.
Believe me when I say that I didn't just think he was a life changer just because of how his life ended, I said it to him many, many times over the years. Daniel wasn't always as self confident as people would think. Although he carried himself so well, he had a bit of trouble seeing what I saw in him. He couldn't understand sometimes why he had to be born with such conviction and the need for life to be fair. He wasn't blond and blue eyed like his brother, he wasn't tall like his father. The girls that he was so desperately attracted to, didn't always feel the same way about him....then. But as a good mother should, I always reminded him that he was indeed, the smartest most handsome boy I knew, and that love was worth waiting for.
In the reflecting that Donna and I have been doing here, we have talked many times about the days when our boys were growing up. The good days when "who should I invite to my birthday party Mum?" was a dilemma I could help solve. I shared a very funny little story about Daniel that is worth sharing on here....
When Daniel was about 8 or so, he was at the age where girls and boys stopped having their birthdays together (some did anyway). Coleson's birthday is April 30, a month before Daniel's. This certain year, Coleson decided to have only boys at his party. Well, Daniel thought that was AMAZING! No girls!! Woohoo!! I, on the other hand, thought...uh oh...I hope Daniel won't want that because of his close love for Olivia. I wouldn't be able to let him have a 'boys exclusive' party because it just would not be okay. So, i sat him down after Coleson's party and we had this conversation...
"So Daniel, how was Coleson's birthday? Did you have fun with just the boys?"
"Oh Mummy, it was so much fun we did _______ <---(insert whatever it is that boys do for fun here)"
"So, we should talk about your party now Daniel, I was thinking that you probably can't really have a boys only party because of course we have Olivia to think about and, well, Mummy is a girl too and I want to come" (that was me sweetening the deal I thought)
This is how Daniel answered....I remember it as if it were yesterday.
"Mum, I want the girls at my party. I have been thinking, a boys party is fun but guess what...who do you think the girls will remember most in high school?? ME! cause I always invited them to MY parties"
That was my boy...always making sure things were fair...and preparing the road for getting chicks 8 years down the road.
He was a funny guy, my Daniel. He was very thoughtful and fair thinking. He loved his "boys" but always loved his 'girls'. My how I look back on all those days, with such fondness and a bit of regret that I didn't write it all down. Thank goodness for our memories. I may not remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I always remember the love of my children, and my love for them.
Daniel is all I think about, even here. My grief knows no borders, but neither do my memories. I am glad that I mothered him for 20 years, I don't intend on stopping anytime soon. My heart has such a huge hole in it.....I hope that the hockey tape that holds it together holds, because I may not ever be able to be whole again without it.
Aloha xo
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Saturday, 22 October 2011
From Lainey xo
First I would like to thank everyone for being so supportive to me, Joel and my Mummy, and also for loving my brother.
Our hearts are all so empty without Daniel because he was our everything! I know I miss my brother more every single day, but what makes my day is to know Daniel is so happy up above with his baby brother and jammin "Simple Man" better then he would down here! (and we all know it was already amazing!)
I would like to share something with everyone, A memory of Daniel and I.
In May I had my dance recital and Daniel came with Meighan. I knew he was there and I searched for him. I finally found him by the door and he was sitting on a chair (handsome as always!) so I said "Hi" and sat down beside him on the ground, a couple seconds later Daniel picked me up and sat me on his lap. I was so happy that he was so willing to show his affection to me! I bet other little sisters wish their big brothers were as kind :)
That proves what an amazing brother he was, oh how I miss that!!
I have been told so many times by all of Daniels friends these words....Daniel loved you so much Lainey, he was so proud of you.
I know he said that too everyone because he would always say that too me.
This year I am in grade 7 and I ran for Co-Prime Minister in Student Council, and I got it! How proud he would have been of me! The only thing was that it was so hard for me doing all my campaigning without Daniel. Every year I have run for anything in Student Council, Daniel would help me, and of course my speech was always the best because ``Mr. Public Speaker`` would be beside me helping me.
I miss Daniel so much, and wish he was still here.
Thank you everyone for everything.
Much love,
Lainey
Our hearts are all so empty without Daniel because he was our everything! I know I miss my brother more every single day, but what makes my day is to know Daniel is so happy up above with his baby brother and jammin "Simple Man" better then he would down here! (and we all know it was already amazing!)
I would like to share something with everyone, A memory of Daniel and I.
In May I had my dance recital and Daniel came with Meighan. I knew he was there and I searched for him. I finally found him by the door and he was sitting on a chair (handsome as always!) so I said "Hi" and sat down beside him on the ground, a couple seconds later Daniel picked me up and sat me on his lap. I was so happy that he was so willing to show his affection to me! I bet other little sisters wish their big brothers were as kind :)
That proves what an amazing brother he was, oh how I miss that!!
I have been told so many times by all of Daniels friends these words....Daniel loved you so much Lainey, he was so proud of you.
I know he said that too everyone because he would always say that too me.
This year I am in grade 7 and I ran for Co-Prime Minister in Student Council, and I got it! How proud he would have been of me! The only thing was that it was so hard for me doing all my campaigning without Daniel. Every year I have run for anything in Student Council, Daniel would help me, and of course my speech was always the best because ``Mr. Public Speaker`` would be beside me helping me.
I miss Daniel so much, and wish he was still here.
Thank you everyone for everything.
Much love,
Lainey
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Dear Daniel
**yes I know he can't read this letter...but I wish I had the means to mail something to him.
Dear Daniel;
My boy! How desperately do I miss you. I wanted to write to you and let you know how things are going down here. Its been 74 days since you left us, which is precisely 73 days that I have had to try to get up and face the day. At this point, there is not a moment in the day that you aren't on my mind. You consume my thoughts. But I have to say, I think largely about all the things you are and what you mean to me. You changed my life, my son. Not because you died, but because you lived.
Joel and Lainey miss you very very much. Joel is getting so tall. Remember when you said how you wanted to be like your "big" brother Joel? Well, he is big....5'6"!! He is catching up to you. It was May when you saw him last, and that's how much he has grown since May!!! He writes about you in school. He asked me the other day if I thought it was bad that he felt the need to write about you in mostly every exercise he is given, I said no...I think you would really like that.
Right this moment he handed me something he wrote for English class. It is a poem that had to be about a "Nonconformist" I think it's quite clever.
NONCONFORMIST
I grow my hair long,
Wear dark clothes,
I play my guitar.
Loud or Quiet,
Hard or Soft.
I don't care what people think, because this is me.
I move to Europe.
People look at me and ask why I am not going back to school.
I don't want to be like everybody else, I want to be me.
I am a nonconformist.
I do what I want,
Not what people want me to do.
This is I,
Daniel
I think that is a fairly accurate description of you :)
Lainey is doing amazing things. You would be so proud of your little one. She is Co- Prime minister this year. She had a hard time writing her speech without you this year, You always helped build her confidence and tell her what a good girl she is. She is even more beautiful than you remember. Everyday she gets more beautiful and smart. She is learning to love reading just like you did. She will always read, and maybe even write like you. She talks about you everyday and dreams of you. I tell her she is the lucky one, to see you. (PS...she loved her hug the other night xo)
Daniel, you would be so proud of your friends. They are so good to us, good to your little ones, and especially good to me. They shower me with love and affection. They remind me everyday how much you love me. I had coffee the other day with Jackie and Mirra. We talked mostly about you. I told her how much you love her and how you always talked about all your friends with me. And she said something I will never forget. She told me that for as many times as you talked about your friends when you were with me, you talked about your family with them. I liked that a lot. I am glad you talked about us with them. Your love touches us all, even across the worlds that we now all live separately in.
I saw your Dad this Thursday. He came to town for a visit before the snow flies. We had some long talks about you. And as I watch his heart break so deeply, I was kind of hoping if you are able to comfort him, more than ever before, now's the time. He misses you so much Daniel. He is broken and he needs you.
Something that I am busting to tell you about is what I did this weekend. I flew to Victoria so I could be a part of the building of your song. Oh Daniel...your dream is coming true. All that you wished for is still a reality. We sat in the recording studio for the better part of 12 hours, laying tracks, building the song....listening to your voice. I had an extremely difficult time listening to your voice for the first hour, which is quite ironic. Your voice is what I long for and yet it's so hard to hear.
We started out with Jackson on the drums. He did such an amazing job honey. He made you so proud. I know it was hard for him, but he was strong and brave and he did such a good job. And he did it for you. Julian was there (being amazing on the "hoots n hollers") and Uncle Martin too. Julian misses you more everyday. He is doing you proud too...filling the dream of living and making a life in Victoria like you planned. We all cried. We miss you so much. Jamie put this all together for you, going off the notes you and him made that Friday before your first recording session. He made sure that your wishes were kept and that even though you weren't there, you had a voice in the outcome. He played his heart out for you babe. He did 2 different parts and they were nothing short of amazing. The producer and the engineer are working their magic now. I can't wait for the song to be finished so everyone can hear you. Your dream. You will love it and we will all play it loud for you to hear it way up there!!
I guess tomorrow will be the 75th day that. I will be okay because I still have you in my heart. I am sorry for all the conflict we had in your life over the years. I know it was just family stuff, but, everything I ever did was out of love for you. My pride and joy...my baby boy.
Please say hi to your brother for me and tell him that I miss him so much. He left me way to soon and my heart is heavy with sorrow to the point that I realise that it's hard to breathe sometimes. Half of my heart is in heaven. 2/4s up there, 2/4s down here. Please read to him this letter (I don't know if he can read now or not) and tell him how we never stopped talking about him when you were still here. I love and miss you both so much. Please know, that I will make YOU proud now. And I will survive. I promise to be something that I love and understand.
My dearest son, I love you
Forever,
Mummy xoxo
Dear Daniel;
My boy! How desperately do I miss you. I wanted to write to you and let you know how things are going down here. Its been 74 days since you left us, which is precisely 73 days that I have had to try to get up and face the day. At this point, there is not a moment in the day that you aren't on my mind. You consume my thoughts. But I have to say, I think largely about all the things you are and what you mean to me. You changed my life, my son. Not because you died, but because you lived.
Joel and Lainey miss you very very much. Joel is getting so tall. Remember when you said how you wanted to be like your "big" brother Joel? Well, he is big....5'6"!! He is catching up to you. It was May when you saw him last, and that's how much he has grown since May!!! He writes about you in school. He asked me the other day if I thought it was bad that he felt the need to write about you in mostly every exercise he is given, I said no...I think you would really like that.
Right this moment he handed me something he wrote for English class. It is a poem that had to be about a "Nonconformist" I think it's quite clever.
NONCONFORMIST
I grow my hair long,
Wear dark clothes,
I play my guitar.
Loud or Quiet,
Hard or Soft.
I don't care what people think, because this is me.
I move to Europe.
People look at me and ask why I am not going back to school.
I don't want to be like everybody else, I want to be me.
I am a nonconformist.
I do what I want,
Not what people want me to do.
This is I,
Daniel
I think that is a fairly accurate description of you :)
Lainey is doing amazing things. You would be so proud of your little one. She is Co- Prime minister this year. She had a hard time writing her speech without you this year, You always helped build her confidence and tell her what a good girl she is. She is even more beautiful than you remember. Everyday she gets more beautiful and smart. She is learning to love reading just like you did. She will always read, and maybe even write like you. She talks about you everyday and dreams of you. I tell her she is the lucky one, to see you. (PS...she loved her hug the other night xo)
Daniel, you would be so proud of your friends. They are so good to us, good to your little ones, and especially good to me. They shower me with love and affection. They remind me everyday how much you love me. I had coffee the other day with Jackie and Mirra. We talked mostly about you. I told her how much you love her and how you always talked about all your friends with me. And she said something I will never forget. She told me that for as many times as you talked about your friends when you were with me, you talked about your family with them. I liked that a lot. I am glad you talked about us with them. Your love touches us all, even across the worlds that we now all live separately in.
I saw your Dad this Thursday. He came to town for a visit before the snow flies. We had some long talks about you. And as I watch his heart break so deeply, I was kind of hoping if you are able to comfort him, more than ever before, now's the time. He misses you so much Daniel. He is broken and he needs you.
Something that I am busting to tell you about is what I did this weekend. I flew to Victoria so I could be a part of the building of your song. Oh Daniel...your dream is coming true. All that you wished for is still a reality. We sat in the recording studio for the better part of 12 hours, laying tracks, building the song....listening to your voice. I had an extremely difficult time listening to your voice for the first hour, which is quite ironic. Your voice is what I long for and yet it's so hard to hear.
We started out with Jackson on the drums. He did such an amazing job honey. He made you so proud. I know it was hard for him, but he was strong and brave and he did such a good job. And he did it for you. Julian was there (being amazing on the "hoots n hollers") and Uncle Martin too. Julian misses you more everyday. He is doing you proud too...filling the dream of living and making a life in Victoria like you planned. We all cried. We miss you so much. Jamie put this all together for you, going off the notes you and him made that Friday before your first recording session. He made sure that your wishes were kept and that even though you weren't there, you had a voice in the outcome. He played his heart out for you babe. He did 2 different parts and they were nothing short of amazing. The producer and the engineer are working their magic now. I can't wait for the song to be finished so everyone can hear you. Your dream. You will love it and we will all play it loud for you to hear it way up there!!
I guess tomorrow will be the 75th day that. I will be okay because I still have you in my heart. I am sorry for all the conflict we had in your life over the years. I know it was just family stuff, but, everything I ever did was out of love for you. My pride and joy...my baby boy.
Please say hi to your brother for me and tell him that I miss him so much. He left me way to soon and my heart is heavy with sorrow to the point that I realise that it's hard to breathe sometimes. Half of my heart is in heaven. 2/4s up there, 2/4s down here. Please read to him this letter (I don't know if he can read now or not) and tell him how we never stopped talking about him when you were still here. I love and miss you both so much. Please know, that I will make YOU proud now. And I will survive. I promise to be something that I love and understand.
My dearest son, I love you
Forever,
Mummy xoxo
Sunday, 9 October 2011
So you say i should be thankful....
....enter our very first family celebration without Daniel...pretty shitty to tell the truth. As we all got together and had our dinner, there was indeed a somber note to it all...there was someone missing...and it was obvious. We all tried to be brave and enjoy it all...but we were all thinking the same thing all day long. He should be here, end of story. And its not fair.
My sister in law asked the kids and i what we all thought would be Daniel's favorite part of the family dinner. We all answered "the stuffing". Next to the very obvious traditional "Thanksgivin'er" celebration with his friends on a weekend such as this, stuffing was his favorite part of Thanksgiving.
I have to tell you that Daniel was the most thankful person I have ever known. Even when he was a little boy, he made sure to always thank people, and God for his many blessings. The other day I found a letter to Santa that he wrote. My guess is that he was about 7 years old when he wrote it. It was on a little piece of paper scrawled in his little boys writing...this is what it said...
He was really just so happy to be giving and thankful. :( my little boy.
In the same box I found an even smaller piece of paper with a note on it written to the maids at a hotel they were staying at in Edmonton when he went with Ms. Davis and her grade 8's. (a trip, by the way, that literally changed the direction of his life. So inspired by the people he met there...) I wish there was a way that you could all see how he wrote it (in not much better handwriting than when he was 7) This is what it said.....
Dear Maid (s)
Consider this a very small ($5)
Thank you for your hard work
to make our band's trip great.
I know it's not much, but please accept
it as my thanks. Your work is truly appreciated.
-Daniel J. Levesque
The maid(s) even wrote him a note on the back telling him how sweet he is. Imagine how that lady's heart was warmed when she read this little note? I just think it was so sweet of him to even keep it. He kept so many things that he considered important, and they all tell such a beautiful story of the beautiful soul whom I miss more every single day.
On a single piece of paper from the Cooper's meat department, he thanked God for his blessings
You have blessed me with many gifts, my Lord,
But I know it is my task to realize them.
May I never underestimate my potential.
May I never lose hope.
May I find the strength to strive for better,
the courage to be different,
and the energy to give all that I have.
Who writes this at work on his break? My son, the blessed boy. He knew he was something special. He was thankful and kind. And he made sure we all knew it. He lived by his word. He was, in a lot of ways, a good example. He valued his family, his friends, his music, his life. He wanted to be great, and always remembered where he came from.
So now, I guess it's my turn to be thankful..... I am thankful for the 20 years I had with my son. Thankful that he loved me despite my flaws. He showed me love when I needed it, he wiped my tears. He built me up when my heart was broken, and he made me feel like I was beautiful and the best mum in the whole world (even though I fell short of that on many occasions) He thanked me over and over after he left home, for making him who he was, for giving him rules and instilling virtue in his life. He was thankful that he was born. And despite how this has all turned out....I will still always feel like I was the blessed one, to have
Daniel Jordan Levesque as my first born son, my beautiful baby boy.
Thank you Daniel, for your life and your love. I miss you more than words can ever explain. xo
My sister in law asked the kids and i what we all thought would be Daniel's favorite part of the family dinner. We all answered "the stuffing". Next to the very obvious traditional "Thanksgivin'er" celebration with his friends on a weekend such as this, stuffing was his favorite part of Thanksgiving.
I have to tell you that Daniel was the most thankful person I have ever known. Even when he was a little boy, he made sure to always thank people, and God for his many blessings. The other day I found a letter to Santa that he wrote. My guess is that he was about 7 years old when he wrote it. It was on a little piece of paper scrawled in his little boys writing...this is what it said...
Dear Santa,
I hope you have a marry Xmas
I have a little treat for you on this plate.
It is chocolate
Thank you for visiting the Thur home
Love Daniel
He was really just so happy to be giving and thankful. :( my little boy.
In the same box I found an even smaller piece of paper with a note on it written to the maids at a hotel they were staying at in Edmonton when he went with Ms. Davis and her grade 8's. (a trip, by the way, that literally changed the direction of his life. So inspired by the people he met there...) I wish there was a way that you could all see how he wrote it (in not much better handwriting than when he was 7) This is what it said.....
Dear Maid (s)
Consider this a very small ($5)
Thank you for your hard work
to make our band's trip great.
I know it's not much, but please accept
it as my thanks. Your work is truly appreciated.
-Daniel J. Levesque
The maid(s) even wrote him a note on the back telling him how sweet he is. Imagine how that lady's heart was warmed when she read this little note? I just think it was so sweet of him to even keep it. He kept so many things that he considered important, and they all tell such a beautiful story of the beautiful soul whom I miss more every single day.
On a single piece of paper from the Cooper's meat department, he thanked God for his blessings
You have blessed me with many gifts, my Lord,
But I know it is my task to realize them.
May I never underestimate my potential.
May I never lose hope.
May I find the strength to strive for better,
the courage to be different,
and the energy to give all that I have.
Who writes this at work on his break? My son, the blessed boy. He knew he was something special. He was thankful and kind. And he made sure we all knew it. He lived by his word. He was, in a lot of ways, a good example. He valued his family, his friends, his music, his life. He wanted to be great, and always remembered where he came from.
So now, I guess it's my turn to be thankful..... I am thankful for the 20 years I had with my son. Thankful that he loved me despite my flaws. He showed me love when I needed it, he wiped my tears. He built me up when my heart was broken, and he made me feel like I was beautiful and the best mum in the whole world (even though I fell short of that on many occasions) He thanked me over and over after he left home, for making him who he was, for giving him rules and instilling virtue in his life. He was thankful that he was born. And despite how this has all turned out....I will still always feel like I was the blessed one, to have
Daniel Jordan Levesque as my first born son, my beautiful baby boy.
Thank you Daniel, for your life and your love. I miss you more than words can ever explain. xo
Thursday, 6 October 2011
These Days Are Sad and Long
Well it's been a while since I was here. Again I found it hard to write these last few weeks. They have been hard. Harder than the weeks before for some reason. I ache, and grief is my new best friend. It follows me in my every step and i ache with every breath that I take. My poor boy :( I am starting to feel the anger now....
Revelstoke buried another son today. The sadness in this town is immeasurable. My heart and soul relives the sadness felt on August 4th (the day we all found out), now 2 months passed. Olindo Frank Brunetti, my son's friend, has now joined him in a place so lucky to have them. Although I did not know Frankie, I saw his beautiful face many times around town. And his name was often spoken by Daniel, they meant a lot to each other. I am standing by watching all the people that meant the most to Daniel suffer. I can not explain the feeling. Tonight, as I know his friends are mourning another great loss, I can not help but weep at the fact that tonight, I should be holding my sons head up, wiping his tears and telling him that everything will be alright again....someday. What a long and tearful journey we all have ahead of us. Sometimes I don't want to even walk it. It would be easier to sit in one spot and let it consume me. But at home I have, two more beautiful children to care for, to be strong for....and I don't know how I am doing it, but I am.
I have so much to say and yet nothing that will help. To all of those who love Neil Martin, to those who love Jake Gericke, to the ones who love Frankie Brunetti, and of course to all of you who love my Daniel....may peace find us all....someday ....soon....
Revelstoke buried another son today. The sadness in this town is immeasurable. My heart and soul relives the sadness felt on August 4th (the day we all found out), now 2 months passed. Olindo Frank Brunetti, my son's friend, has now joined him in a place so lucky to have them. Although I did not know Frankie, I saw his beautiful face many times around town. And his name was often spoken by Daniel, they meant a lot to each other. I am standing by watching all the people that meant the most to Daniel suffer. I can not explain the feeling. Tonight, as I know his friends are mourning another great loss, I can not help but weep at the fact that tonight, I should be holding my sons head up, wiping his tears and telling him that everything will be alright again....someday. What a long and tearful journey we all have ahead of us. Sometimes I don't want to even walk it. It would be easier to sit in one spot and let it consume me. But at home I have, two more beautiful children to care for, to be strong for....and I don't know how I am doing it, but I am.
I have so much to say and yet nothing that will help. To all of those who love Neil Martin, to those who love Jake Gericke, to the ones who love Frankie Brunetti, and of course to all of you who love my Daniel....may peace find us all....someday ....soon....
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