17 Years

February 17 1995. A day forever ingrained in my heart and burned in my mind. It was a cold and snowy morning, the day that my life changed forever.  The direction of all my hopes, dreams and innocence was beyond shattered.  Beside me that morning when I went in to check on the baby, wondering why he was sleeping so late, was my Daniel.  Just three and a half he was, a little boy.  And in an instant.....our world was destroyed.  As I reached into my baby's crib Daniel said "Wake up my baby brother".... as I touched his cold little cheek....I screamed.  My Granny and Mum were visiting us and were able to whisk Daniel into my bedroom and lock the door.  He did not witness the ensuing chaos, but if you asked him...he felt like he did.   February 17th, 1995....Daniel went from being a big brother, to being an only child.  And I went from being a mum of 2 boys, to having only one. 

I have shared before how Daniel was my reason to live on those first months.   I spent more than one day at the beginning laying on my bed crying....tears falling down my cheeks, and he would lay beside me, wiping each tear away, one by one, each as they fell.  "Please Mummy, don't cry"  I tried to be brave, but I was young...and lost. 

As we lived our life without the baby, we always talked about him, much like we do now with Daniel.  Daniel grew up telling stories about his brother.  Drawing pictures in school and proudly including his brother in every "info" session when asked about his life.  When Daniel again became a big brother, he made sure both Joel and Lainey knew all there was to know about their angel in heaven.  As a matter of fact, I think Lainey was about 4 years old before she realized that she had never actually met him. 

I can't say that I did everything right when it came to guiding Daniel through that very hurtful, confusing time.  I did the best I could, and so did he.  We talked all the time about seeing him again some day, ever wondering if he would still be a baby, knowing he was our angel. 

Daniel dreaded today.  No one who knew me then, and some that know me now, can't help but reflect on this day.....Daniel wrote about it...in a way, it kind of defined us...my oldest son and I...bonding in a most unique way.  The same way I now bond with Joel and Lainey. 

Joel looked like him, Lainey reminded me of him when she was a baby...the sweetness, a good sleeper.   He loved Bambi, Tonka trucks, Cars and fish.  He would sit with Daniel and endure "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" sometimes twice a day it was Daniel's most favorite...because of the singing I am sure (and the hot chick).  He would ask questions and Daniel would explain who was who, although Daniel would be annoyed with him if, from one time to the next  he couldn't be certain which "Dorf" was which.   They were so cute.  I bet they are cute together again.  Catching up on all that's passed.  What a reunion it must have been.  I know my Kristian Jaymes was the first to greet Daniel that day.  With open arms, saying "You're finally here my big brother...oh how I have missed you"  I can see it all in my mind, and feel it in my heart.  My two boys together again.  Steven's children.  Now they wait for us.

Lainey shared with me tonight that although she never got to meet the baby, she has had more dreams about him since Daniel has gone, than she has even had of Daniel himself.  She has dreamed of her and him playing at the beach, hugging, kissing.  Her carrying him on her hip, and him gazing at her beautiful face.  She's building memories with him now, and I thank Daniel for that, her dreams are now possible because of him.  How blessed is she to be able to see that beautiful baby.  I envy it.

I feel guilty now and then, about how 17 years and the death of Daniel has in some strange way, dulled the pain of losing the baby.  Even though a fourth of my heart was missing, I managed to get through these 17 years.  I cried buckets shortly after Daniel was gone, wailing about how I forgot how it felt to lose him because of the all consuming loss of Daniel....and this time it was Joel who wiped my tears.  Physically from my now not so young face, saying "Don't cry Mummy, Kiki knows you love him too...It's okay to let go of some of that pain, Because both pains are too much"   Sheesh, where do these kids come from???  My amazing children.   I am truly the luckiest, unlucky girl in all the world.

Kristian Jaymes Levesque  March 3 1993 - February 17 1995.  Always my little angel....

http://www.sidscanada.org/

My Ray Of Light

Today it has been exactly six long months since I last saw my Daniel.  I remember it as if were yesterday.  My Granny and I went to the Tsawassen ferry terminal to pick him up for a visit.  He was a foot passenger, so we parked my car and went into the terminal to wait for him.  He was texting me the whole time.  When the ferry arrived my heart was beating so fast.  I was bursting with excitement!!  I hadn't seen him in 6 weeks!!  We talked almost every day by text, and he was going through such an exciting time in his life!!  My Granny, who was 88 at the time, was also so excited.  Daniel is, after all, "Baby Jesus" as we called him, in her eyes.  She adores him.  He and her had such a special bond.  My Granny spent a lot of time with Daniel as he grew up.  Her and I are exceptionally close and for Daniel's first 3 years, Steven and I lived at the coast (she lives in Langley).  Every Thursday while Steven went to school, Daniel and I would load up in our little car and drive through rush hour to go see her.  We spent the better part of those days with her and often came back on weekends.  Granny has some very funny stories and memories of Daniel.  He was her precious one. If I had something to do in the city, she would keep him for me.  As many of you know, Daniel was never at a loss for words and it started very young.  He talked before he walked.  And he could carry on the funniest of conversations and a very young age.  I think his destiny to work at a grocery store started early. While most little ones heart's desire is to go to a toy store for fun, when Granny would ask him what he would like to do with her he would say "Fafeway Nanny!!"  Daniel loved Safeway more than anything.  Like a good Granny would do, she would indulge him.  He would sing in the grocery cart from start to finish, most often singing songs he made up.  One of Granny's favorite stories is about how he would INSIST she buy the weirdest things.  One day all he wanted was olives.  Olives??  He was 2!!  But, she bought them for him and he cuddled up with the jar all the way back to the farm.  He put them in her cupboard proudly and there they sat for years. On many other visits he would check to make sure she still had them.  You see, Daniel didn't like olives.  He just liked what they looked like, and liked that his Granny would buy him anything he wanted.  Six months ago, when his ferry was landing, he texted me these words (I still have them on my phone to this day)  "Mum!  I am here!  Are you ready to meet the man of your dreams??"   I remember I thought it would take a bit of time to dock so I hurried off to the washroom first.  While I was gone, the man of my Granny's dreams came bounding down the ramp with his arms wide open...from the top of the ramp to the bottom where that little old lady was sitting patiently waiting came this new man...arms out so wide and running toward her.  He embraced her, she says, as if it was the first time he had ever greeted her.  When I returned to see them still hugging it brought tears to my eyes.  What Granny always marveled about was how Daniel was NEVER too old or shy to hug her and love her in public, and that day was no different.  When he saw me he hugged me so tight he lifted me off the ground.  He very loudly told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me.  That whole day he didn't stop talking.  He gushed about all his new friends, his new dreams, his song he had just recorded.  He was so happy.  When I was returning him to the ferry later that night, he at one point turned and said to me  "Mum, do you think I have changed?"  I said..."How do you mean Daniel?"   He went on to explain to me how he felt different.  How excited he was with his future.  How he felt like he was truly the most blessed of boys.  I told him very plainly "Daniel, I am so proud of you, I am glad you are happy and I see the change you mean."  And I did.  I wish so much I could explain on here all the things we discussed but I can't really.  But what I can say that Daniel WAS so happy.  He had come to terms with a lot of things in his life.  He was moving on.  On to bigger and better things.  Alas, almost all that Daniel was dreaming of was a lie.  From the day that he started work in Victoria, he was fed lie after lie after lie.  And my poor boy believed it all. 
When I said goodbye to him, I watched him walk away from me.  And I knew.  I had an overwhelming feeling that that was going to be my last goodbye...I kid you not.  I even shook my head as if to shake away the feeling, told my self to not be so silly....and I drove away.  Ever thinking how great our time was that day and evening.  How wonderful it was to have been able to spend that time with him, and how proud I was of what  he was becoming.  Daniel was a man now, and he was everything I loved in this world.



Tonight, as I reached for Daniel's journal, a page fell on to my lap.   No kidding.  I am most certain it is what I am meant to share.

Ray Of Light

A ray of light, casts shadows long

on a childlike man, who thinks in song.

Whose light has flickered, and burned aground.

The temples of Eden, where perfection was found.

Redemption came in the small ray of light,

rejecting pain, and all is made right.

By the beauty and bliss of love with no rain,

and perfection in Eden, created again.

Daniel J. Levesque 

Oh Daniel....I would do anything to take you to Fafeway for olives, one more time xo

My New Stage of Grief

Oh my God, I miss Daniel so much!!!  Words can not explain.

Now that Christmas is over I thought I would share how hard New Years Day was for us all.  As brave as I seem, and as "holding it together" it seems I am doing, the mere thought of facing a new year without my son, is like getting punched in the stomach.  I feel like I am drowning in my sorrow....another stage of grief :( .  Who made up these stupid stages anyway?  Who got to decide how hard his is?  It is easily the most unnatural feeling in the world...mourning your child (never mind mourning 2).  Some days I feel hopeless, and others I feel strong.  I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially Daniel.  I have NO choice but to go on.  I feel so badly for Joel and Lainey.  My heart aches for Steven.  I just don't understand why......

My new stage is anger.  It was a long time coming I know and I don't dwell on it for long but this is how I feel.  No matter how this whole situation turns out, I know in my heart Daniel's death was not his own wish.  He had no choice and that person who is responsible will suffer.  He will suffer great pain in his soul.  He knows what he did, GOD knows what he did.  He murdered the only true friend he ever had.  I hope he reads this and these words sear into his heart like a knife.  I wish for nothing short of a long and torturous existence on this earth for him.  His actions are his, and his alone.  He has no one to blame.  He killed my baby boy.  My first born son.  The boy I cared for every day he lived, and I care for every day now, until I live no more.  This person decided the fate of one of earth's most wonderful people.  He decided the fate of my heart, and changed the lives of many...including a 15 year old boy, and a 12 year old girl whose life is forever scarred with a giant cavernous tear in their hearts.  He stole from this earth a father's only son. HIS ONLY SON.  He tore a hole in the hearts of so many good people.  For what?  FOR WHAT!!!! What makes it all worse is that he knew all of this!  That person who murdered Daniel KNEW about Joel and Lainey.  Knew about Daniel's brother in heaven.  Knew about Steven.   He knew how much I loved Daniel and how much Daniel loved me.  I  know he knew, because Daniel told me.

My Daniel was a lover, not a fighter.  He touched the lives of more people than I could ever dream of, even people he never actually met.   He was a beautiful soul.  I miss him so much.  So here begins the first year of my life, the mother of two buried sons.

Here are my wishes for 2012.  I wish for peace and justice.  I wish for safety for all the people we all love.  I wish that it be possible that no one lose a child for a long time, for I do not understand how that helps our earthly cause.  Taking the young and leaving the evil is a plan of God's that I resent and do not understand.  I wish to see my children happy, Daniel's friends happy, and see Steven healthy and happy.  I wish for better days ahead, and short lived anger stages through my grief.  I want to handle it all like a lady.  I want to be a good example for my children.  And I want to be filed with joy and not pain.  I wish for love ABOVE ALL THINGS to prevail.

I leave you with this,  a writing I found that describes Daniel perfectly.  I challenge anyone on this earth to dispute it.  It's him and how he lived his life....and how you should live yours.

Peace be with you,
Stace xo

LIFE

Find Passion and pursue it.

Fall in love.

Dream big.

Drink wine, eat great food and spend quality time with good friends.

LAUGH EVERY DAY

Believe in magic.

Tell stories.

Reminisce about the good old days but look with optimism to the future.

Travel often.

LEARN MORE.

Be creative.

Spend time with people you ADMIRE.

SEIZE opportunities when they reveal themselves.

LOVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART.

Never give up.

Do what YOU love.

BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE.

Make time to enjoy the simple things in life.

Spend time with family.

Forgive even when it's hard.

Smile often.

BE GRATEFUL.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.

Try new things.

Work hard.

Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.

Embrace change.

Trust yourself.

BE THANKFUL.

BE NICE TO EVERYONE.

Be happy.

Live for TODAY.

December 25th

Well, we have just finished our first Christmas without Daniel on this earth with us.
It's funny how just the anticipation of this day has taken it's toll on us all.  Daniel loved Christmas very much.  And although he was blessed to spend last year with Therese and her wonderful family, it still felt different not having him near us.  Last year we Skyped and I would give ANYTHING to have at least that this year. 

The holidays are hard on families and friends who have lost loved ones.  The first is always the most difficult it seems.  When we lost the baby it was February, so we had a little time to prepare our selves.  And we had already endured many other milestones before Christmas arrived. (I found Easter very hard for some reason that year...).  Today my heart ached for so many.  People I know who lost parents (any loved one actually) and of course parents who lost children.  It's not easy when you are used to spending the holidays as a family.  Traditions, a seat that is now empty.  There is a void everyday but it's amplified when days like this aren't as they should be. I, for one, am fortunate to have so many people who care about me, and who think of my children, sending love and wishes our way.  We wouldn't be able to enjoy anything without the love and support we have received.  But you know, in lots of ways, December 25th is like most days.  We miss Daniel every single minute of all days...and today wasn't any different.  He was a huge part of our lives, he loved us, he was the life of the party every year since his very first Christmas.  We missed that today.  Lainey hung three stockings, and Santa only filled two.  When I shopped this season I found so many things I wanted to buy him, but I couldn't.  Such a humble boy.  Our forever thankful Daniel.

I saw Julian the other day and Kayne, Kurt and Jordan came over today. We saw Taylor and Kyle at the ski hill...I can not tell you how much their hugs mean to us.  I know they all miss him more than they can describe.  These boys (and many others) have been through so much, but they still took time out of their busy day to make a big deal about us. The friends who couldn't be here this year made sure to send their love one way or the other.  It was the best part of my Christmas in a lot of ways.  Knowing that they made a promise to remain close to Daniel's brother and sister...and to me.     A lot can be learned from this group of friends.  Daniel's friends, Derrick's friends, Frankie's friends, Neil's friends, Gerald's friends.

Also, December 24th is Steven's birthday.  Aside from last year, I am not sure Daniel ever missed his dad's special day.  Steven and Lisa always come home and Daniel always spent the evening with them.  Tonight, I want to say...Steven...Happy Birthday.  I am so pleased to have been able to be with you and Lisa and your family for a visit last night. Thank you for my boy.  He has your looks, your walk, your teeth.  He was very proud of you.  And despite how complicated life sometimes got, Daniel loved you so much.  He was proud to be french, and he loved that he looked like you.    Thank you for loving Joel and Lainey.  And I wish for wonderful days ahead for you with some peace in your heart and soul.



Merry Christmas everyone.
Hug your children, your parents, your friends.
Let people be who they need to be.
Don't judge, be sweet.
Lead by example, don't push.
But most of all, never be afraid to tell the people that matter how you feel.
Tell them what they mean to you.
Let them know that they are important and meaningful.
It's not weak, on the contrary it's brave.
We need to have more love in this world.
Love is louder.


Be well,
Stace

Love Rescue Me

Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me

Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky
Makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said, love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
See the dark shades of what I used to be
See the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

Yea, though I walk
In the valley of shadow
Yea, I will fear no evil
I have cursed thy rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me


I said love
Climb up the mountains,
I said love, oh my love
On the hill of the son
I'm on the eve of a storm
And my word you must believe in
Oh, I said love, rescue me


Yeah I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me

I Wish For Better Days Ahead

I wish for better days ahead.  Days that we don't wake up with news of another one taken too soon.

This blog sure is sad.  I wish there was better news to report week to week but unfortunately there is always another hurdle to jump, another tear to shed and another bit of broken heart.

This week this poor little town lost another child.  Another of Daniel's friends, a close friend to Frankie Brunetti,who joined Daniel in September. His name is Gerald Wesley Mower.  Gerald was like a brother to many I care about.  He grew up in Revelstoke and has hundreds of friends.  I knew Gerald and I liked him very much.  He was so sweet to me when I saw him for the first time after we lost Daniel (of course he was always sweet to me when he saw me...but this time, of course, was different).  He hugged me so tight and wept with me.  He shared with me his love and respect for Daniel and assured me, if there was anything he could ever do for me, he would be there.  I know that he and Daniel didn't ALWAYS see eye to eye but he respected Daniel for having his own mind and thoughts, and always, sometimes after they both cooled off, came back to being friends.  Gerald, like Frankie, is a year older than Daniel but they shared a close knit group of friends.  So close that when I see the list of pallbearers, the repetitive names
BREAKS MY HEART!!!   I know for a FACT that there are a very many people reading this right now who have never had this important job bestowed on them.  It makes me sad that I had to choose people in Daniel's life to do it.  I feel awful.  At the time I was trying so hard not to forget someone and in fact, maybe some wished they had been over looked.  It is NOT RIGHT to have to carry the coffin of your best friend at such a young age.  But what do we mothers do?  How do we choose?  I want so badly to go back in time and start this year all over again.  Many sons and daughters in this community who are under the age of 30 have way too many funeral remembrance cards in their dresser drawers.  Daniel has Derrick Smith's, and now I save all of the others for him.  The pile is too large.  I can't believe it. 

We are not supposed to outlive our children.  And 20 yr olds are not supposed to bury their friends.  Somehow, somewhere, things got really backwards.
I wish I had more wise words, but I am lost.  I am lost without answers and left with more questions.

To All the Moms and Dads out there who have had to watch their children's hearts break, I wish you well helping them through these sad days.  It's not easy for me to see the ones Daniel loved the most live through sorrow and grief, so I can imagine their parents.

To all of Gerald's friends, be brave tomorrow and always.  Hold each other tight.  And i hope the tears will stop soon.  There HAS to be better days ahead........

Aurora

A quick note, for I have a heavy heart again today.

Sorrow fills my days, but today, many friends and loved ones said good bye to an amazingly sweet and loving lady, Aurora Maria Angelozzi.

I have had the good fortune of knowing Aurora for about 25 years.  I first met her when I was in high school and believe me, she didn't change one bit from the first day. I enjoyed her meals, her lasagna, her gnocchi and her always sweet words when I was young and although I did not see her often, she never forgot me and she always made time when out paths crossed.  She would always ask about my children.  She would tell me all about hers too, her every growing family, her 6 grandchildren whom she loved so much.
Aurora's 3 children have been a part of my life and Steven's and even Daniel's.  Aurora was there to shed a tear when we said good bye to my baby,while she watched her son Marcy carry his tiny casket on that fateful day.  Her heart broke when she heard about Daniel, she told me.  And why wouldn't it?  She watched Daniel grow, undoubtedly hearing stories from Marcy and Llonda (whom Daniel called Auntie and Uncle).
You see, Marcy is Steven's closest, dearest friend. We all went to school together and he has been a part of Steven and Lisa's and even Daniel's life since day one.  He has held Steve up through easily the hardest times in his life.  He has been a rock, a comforter and a friend of all friends.  He is a good, good man who has the heart of his mother.  He has even dried my tears, made me laugh and comforted me in these past years, and when it really counts...Marcy has always been there.

Marcy, thank you doesn't nearly touch the magnitude of love we have for you.  From me, thank you for your kind words and loving spirit.  Thank you for being with Steven and Lisa in all of these dark days...now it is our turn to help you and your family through this holiday season and all the days ahead, as we remember your sweet mother who raised three beautiful children and whose heart was always full of peace and love.

I wanted to write tonight because I care very much for Vince, Lena, Camillo and Marcy and all of their families and even though days, months and even years go by, you are all never far from my heart.  Your mother is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing and she will not be forgotten.  The world was always a better place with people like her in it.  I know she was greeted in the heavens by her parents, her siblings and even my 2 boys, and there was a huge celebration of joy!  For what she was on this earth, she is a million times more with all of them.

Rest easy Aurora, we will see you soon. I look forward to the celebration we have when we are all together again.

One Love xo