Now that Christmas is over I thought I would share how hard New Years Day was for us all. As brave as I seem, and as "holding it together" it seems I am doing, the mere thought of facing a new year without my son, is like getting punched in the stomach. I feel like I am drowning in my sorrow....another stage of grief :( . Who made up these stupid stages anyway? Who got to decide how hard his is? It is easily the most unnatural feeling in the world...mourning your child (never mind mourning 2). Some days I feel hopeless, and others I feel strong. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially Daniel. I have NO choice but to go on. I feel so badly for Joel and Lainey. My heart aches for Steven. I just don't understand why......
My new stage is anger. It was a long time coming I know and I don't dwell on it for long but this is how I feel. No matter how this whole situation turns out, I know in my heart Daniel's death was not his own wish. He had no choice and that person who is responsible will suffer. He will suffer great pain in his soul. He knows what he did, GOD knows what he did. He murdered the only true friend he ever had. I hope he reads this and these words sear into his heart like a knife. I wish for nothing short of a long and torturous existence on this earth for him. His actions are his, and his alone. He has no one to blame. He killed my baby boy. My first born son. The boy I cared for every day he lived, and I care for every day now, until I live no more. This person decided the fate of one of earth's most wonderful people. He decided the fate of my heart, and changed the lives of many...including a 15 year old boy, and a 12 year old girl whose life is forever scarred with a giant cavernous tear in their hearts. He stole from this earth a father's only son. HIS ONLY SON. He tore a hole in the hearts of so many good people. For what? FOR WHAT!!!! What makes it all worse is that he knew all of this! That person who murdered Daniel KNEW about Joel and Lainey. Knew about Daniel's brother in heaven. Knew about Steven. He knew how much I loved Daniel and how much Daniel loved me. I know he knew, because Daniel told me.
My Daniel was a lover, not a fighter. He touched the lives of more people than I could ever dream of, even people he never actually met. He was a beautiful soul. I miss him so much. So here begins the first year of my life, the mother of two buried sons.
Here are my wishes for 2012. I wish for peace and justice. I wish for safety for all the people we all love. I wish that it be possible that no one lose a child for a long time, for I do not understand how that helps our earthly cause. Taking the young and leaving the evil is a plan of God's that I resent and do not understand. I wish to see my children happy, Daniel's friends happy, and see Steven healthy and happy. I wish for better days ahead, and short lived anger stages through my grief. I want to handle it all like a lady. I want to be a good example for my children. And I want to be filed with joy and not pain. I wish for love ABOVE ALL THINGS to prevail.
I leave you with this, a writing I found that describes Daniel perfectly. I challenge anyone on this earth to dispute it. It's him and how he lived his life....and how you should live yours.
Peace be with you,
Stace xo
LIFE
Find Passion and pursue it.
Fall in love.
Dream big.
Drink wine, eat great food and spend quality time with good friends.
LAUGH EVERY DAY
Believe in magic.
Tell stories.
Reminisce about the good old days but look with optimism to the future.
Travel often.
LEARN MORE.
Be creative.
Spend time with people you ADMIRE.
SEIZE opportunities when they reveal themselves.
LOVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART.
Never give up.
Do what YOU love.
BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE.
Make time to enjoy the simple things in life.
Spend time with family.
Forgive even when it's hard.
Smile often.
BE GRATEFUL.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.
Try new things.
Work hard.
Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.
Embrace change.
Trust yourself.
BE THANKFUL.
BE NICE TO EVERYONE.
Be happy.
Live for TODAY.
