It’s an overstatement for any parent to go on and on about how much they love their children. It is a fact that, fortunately for mankind in general, most parents love and care for their children. For if we didn’t, the world would be in an even bigger mess than it sometimes seems to be. It did not take Daniel’s death to make me realize just how much he meant to me, because I truthfully always knew how deep and vast my love is for that boy who changed my life. By sparing you all the many details surrounding Daniel’s birth, I can honestly write about how more than anything I wished for Daniel to grow to be a healthy well adjusted man, despite my many mistakes, and my own faults. I believe that I really did do a good job. He was so many things to so many people, a kind and generous soul who was happy to lend an ear, a dollar or a hug to anyone who needed it. I am still very VERY proud for what Daniel became in his short 20 years and like it has been said over and over in this blog, his death has left a hole so deep, no amount of time, or happiness will ever fill it up.
What has happened is that my shortcomings, as a human being, and a mother are right in front of my face at every quiet moment I have. Even after 9 months, I still feel the searing pain of some of the hard times I had with Daniel while he was growing up, and most certainly, they weren’t always his mistakes. I admit that I did not know Daniel’s every facet of life. There were things he did and felt that he definitely kept from me. Some, probably out of shame, for he knew how I would feel, and some out of love because he never wanted to be the cause of any more tears than I had already had. I say here and now that I most certainly expected too much from Daniel. He was “the man” of the house for a lot of years and even though I didn’t intentionally make him take that role, it was his role nonetheless. I also put many restrictions on Daniel as a teenager. Some that I look back on now and wish I could have maybe let up a bit so that he didn’t always feel like he was failing….struggling to be who HE wanted to be, and having me perceive that he was something else. I wasn’t dumb. I knew that when my watchful eye wasn’t directly on him that he was doing things that I didn’t like. All kids do, and will continue to do. But maybe I didn’t have to be so angry at times, for his short comings, after all, he ALWAYS forgave mine.
One thing I know Daniel learned from me was the ability to, after one of our blow outs, be able to take responsibility for his part in our disagreements, as I tried my best to do the same. We were always good like that. I didn’t want him to be perfect, I just wanted him to be a good person.
I also admit that I was not always aware of Daniel’s emotional trials. His being torn between the “worldy life” and the rules I had set for him. He and I had a very dark time for a few long months when he was in high school. He so desperately wanted to be a man. Be 19 when he was 16. I remember telling him how he had “lots of time” to do all the things he wanted when he was older…”please Daniel, just be a kid!!” It was hard for him. Right or wrong, instilled in his heart was a faith that could move mountains and through all the difficult times, he felt compelled to want to be more.
What compounds the grief of losing a child (or 2) is trying to come to terms with the regret and the sorrow of arguments passed. I find it hard at times living with myself knowing that I am a better mother to Joel and Lainey because I know a bit more about life itself, than I did when Daniel was their age. I know that I did the best that I could. And I loved him more than anything. I loved him MORE than I love myself, and I always told him that.
The day that he was leaving for Victoria he had an almost prophetic conversation with me. Sitting in my car as I drove him to Arrow Heights to give Lainey a goodbye hug, he said to me…
“Mum, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about how I was as a kid. And I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry I worried you and let you down. I want you to know how thankful I am that you mothered me so strictly because I would not have made it without you. Please think about your restrictions with Joel as he enters his late teen years. Always remember that he is not me. And you don’t have to worry as much about him. He’s a good kid Mum. Don’t smother him”
To which I sweetly replied “Daniel, you were never a bad kid, and I am truly sorry for not understanding you the way you wished I had. I only wanted best for you and I love you so much.”
We cried and hugged and agreed that we had both grown. And forgiveness was ours. What a moment. Imagine having that conversation a short 7 weeks before you would never see each other again. Prophetic…necessary, and loving.
Make no mistake, aside from the sometimes wild acts of partying and living it up that Daniel hid from me, we were as close as any parent and child could be. We were similar people, and we were madly in love. There wasn’t anything either one of us wouldn’t do for each other…and there still isn’t.
As you read this you can easily tell that it’s not been the best of times, as the clock ticks, and the calendar flips, and there is no real closure with Daniel’s murder. I sometimes lay in bed wide awake wondering how any person close to the coward responsible for Daniel’s death, can themselves sleep at night. Why is their life allowed to continue without a second thought? While our world has caved in, and we are digging through all the rubble left behind. Some may say it’s not his parents fault, or his siblings but guess what….Steven cries EVERYDAY for his precious son! I am rocked to the core with grief and anxiety every day…for my son. Daniel’s brother and sister’s lives have been FOREVER altered…at the hands of someone who thinks he has got away with murder. Well, I have news for all of them. It’s not over.
I cannot predict how the law is going to handle this person. I cannot say if there will be a trial or not. I cannot say that there will ever be any accountability for his actions but I do know this, We WILL have justice for our son. We WILL NOT stop fighting for Joshua Bredo to be punished for Daniel’s death. And we WILL NOT lie down and let evil win. Be it on this earth or not, fate will have it so that we will be heard. Daniel will be heard. His story will be told and we will survive.
I guess I didn’t mean to be so angry today and maybe what I am trying to get across is that this is REALLY hard. I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I made with Daniel, because he forgave me. I also know that being a parent is easily the hardest job on this earth, but loving our kids is the easiest one. I know Daniel knew how much I loved him, it was never in question, I just wish I could tell him One…More…Time…
