Well, we have just finished our first Christmas without Daniel on this earth with us.
It's funny how just the anticipation of this day has taken it's toll on us all. Daniel loved Christmas very much. And although he was blessed to spend last year with Therese and her wonderful family, it still felt different not having him near us. Last year we Skyped and I would give ANYTHING to have at least that this year.
The holidays are hard on families and friends who have lost loved ones. The first is always the most difficult it seems. When we lost the baby it was February, so we had a little time to prepare our selves. And we had already endured many other milestones before Christmas arrived. (I found Easter very hard for some reason that year...). Today my heart ached for so many. People I know who lost parents (any loved one actually) and of course parents who lost children. It's not easy when you are used to spending the holidays as a family. Traditions, a seat that is now empty. There is a void everyday but it's amplified when days like this aren't as they should be. I, for one, am fortunate to have so many people who care about me, and who think of my children, sending love and wishes our way. We wouldn't be able to enjoy anything without the love and support we have received. But you know, in lots of ways, December 25th is like most days. We miss Daniel every single minute of all days...and today wasn't any different. He was a huge part of our lives, he loved us, he was the life of the party every year since his very first Christmas. We missed that today. Lainey hung three stockings, and Santa only filled two. When I shopped this season I found so many things I wanted to buy him, but I couldn't. Such a humble boy. Our forever thankful Daniel.
I saw Julian the other day and Kayne, Kurt and Jordan came over today. We saw Taylor and Kyle at the ski hill...I can not tell you how much their hugs mean to us. I know they all miss him more than they can describe. These boys (and many others) have been through so much, but they still took time out of their busy day to make a big deal about us. The friends who couldn't be here this year made sure to send their love one way or the other. It was the best part of my Christmas in a lot of ways. Knowing that they made a promise to remain close to Daniel's brother and sister...and to me. A lot can be learned from this group of friends. Daniel's friends, Derrick's friends, Frankie's friends, Neil's friends, Gerald's friends.
Also, December 24th is Steven's birthday. Aside from last year, I am not sure Daniel ever missed his dad's special day. Steven and Lisa always come home and Daniel always spent the evening with them. Tonight, I want to say...Steven...Happy Birthday. I am so pleased to have been able to be with you and Lisa and your family for a visit last night. Thank you for my boy. He has your looks, your walk, your teeth. He was very proud of you. And despite how complicated life sometimes got, Daniel loved you so much. He was proud to be french, and he loved that he looked like you. Thank you for loving Joel and Lainey. And I wish for wonderful days ahead for you with some peace in your heart and soul.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Hug your children, your parents, your friends.
Let people be who they need to be.
Don't judge, be sweet.
Lead by example, don't push.
But most of all, never be afraid to tell the people that matter how you feel.
Tell them what they mean to you.
Let them know that they are important and meaningful.
It's not weak, on the contrary it's brave.
We need to have more love in this world.
Love is louder.
Be well,
Stace
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Monday, 19 December 2011
Love Rescue Me
Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me
Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky
Makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said, love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
See the dark shades of what I used to be
See the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
Yea, though I walk
In the valley of shadow
Yea, I will fear no evil
I have cursed thy rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I said love
Climb up the mountains,
I said love, oh my love
On the hill of the son
I'm on the eve of a storm
And my word you must believe in
Oh, I said love, rescue me
Yeah I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me
Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky
Makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said, love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
See the dark shades of what I used to be
See the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
Yea, though I walk
In the valley of shadow
Yea, I will fear no evil
I have cursed thy rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I said love
Climb up the mountains,
I said love, oh my love
On the hill of the son
I'm on the eve of a storm
And my word you must believe in
Oh, I said love, rescue me
Yeah I'm here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me
Sunday, 18 December 2011
I Wish For Better Days Ahead
I wish for better days ahead. Days that we don't wake up with news of another one taken too soon.
This blog sure is sad. I wish there was better news to report week to week but unfortunately there is always another hurdle to jump, another tear to shed and another bit of broken heart.
This week this poor little town lost another child. Another of Daniel's friends, a close friend to Frankie Brunetti,who joined Daniel in September. His name is Gerald Wesley Mower. Gerald was like a brother to many I care about. He grew up in Revelstoke and has hundreds of friends. I knew Gerald and I liked him very much. He was so sweet to me when I saw him for the first time after we lost Daniel (of course he was always sweet to me when he saw me...but this time, of course, was different). He hugged me so tight and wept with me. He shared with me his love and respect for Daniel and assured me, if there was anything he could ever do for me, he would be there. I know that he and Daniel didn't ALWAYS see eye to eye but he respected Daniel for having his own mind and thoughts, and always, sometimes after they both cooled off, came back to being friends. Gerald, like Frankie, is a year older than Daniel but they shared a close knit group of friends. So close that when I see the list of pallbearers, the repetitive names
BREAKS MY HEART!!! I know for a FACT that there are a very many people reading this right now who have never had this important job bestowed on them. It makes me sad that I had to choose people in Daniel's life to do it. I feel awful. At the time I was trying so hard not to forget someone and in fact, maybe some wished they had been over looked. It is NOT RIGHT to have to carry the coffin of your best friend at such a young age. But what do we mothers do? How do we choose? I want so badly to go back in time and start this year all over again. Many sons and daughters in this community who are under the age of 30 have way too many funeral remembrance cards in their dresser drawers. Daniel has Derrick Smith's, and now I save all of the others for him. The pile is too large. I can't believe it.
We are not supposed to outlive our children. And 20 yr olds are not supposed to bury their friends. Somehow, somewhere, things got really backwards.
I wish I had more wise words, but I am lost. I am lost without answers and left with more questions.
To All the Moms and Dads out there who have had to watch their children's hearts break, I wish you well helping them through these sad days. It's not easy for me to see the ones Daniel loved the most live through sorrow and grief, so I can imagine their parents.
To all of Gerald's friends, be brave tomorrow and always. Hold each other tight. And i hope the tears will stop soon. There HAS to be better days ahead........
This blog sure is sad. I wish there was better news to report week to week but unfortunately there is always another hurdle to jump, another tear to shed and another bit of broken heart.
This week this poor little town lost another child. Another of Daniel's friends, a close friend to Frankie Brunetti,who joined Daniel in September. His name is Gerald Wesley Mower. Gerald was like a brother to many I care about. He grew up in Revelstoke and has hundreds of friends. I knew Gerald and I liked him very much. He was so sweet to me when I saw him for the first time after we lost Daniel (of course he was always sweet to me when he saw me...but this time, of course, was different). He hugged me so tight and wept with me. He shared with me his love and respect for Daniel and assured me, if there was anything he could ever do for me, he would be there. I know that he and Daniel didn't ALWAYS see eye to eye but he respected Daniel for having his own mind and thoughts, and always, sometimes after they both cooled off, came back to being friends. Gerald, like Frankie, is a year older than Daniel but they shared a close knit group of friends. So close that when I see the list of pallbearers, the repetitive names
BREAKS MY HEART!!! I know for a FACT that there are a very many people reading this right now who have never had this important job bestowed on them. It makes me sad that I had to choose people in Daniel's life to do it. I feel awful. At the time I was trying so hard not to forget someone and in fact, maybe some wished they had been over looked. It is NOT RIGHT to have to carry the coffin of your best friend at such a young age. But what do we mothers do? How do we choose? I want so badly to go back in time and start this year all over again. Many sons and daughters in this community who are under the age of 30 have way too many funeral remembrance cards in their dresser drawers. Daniel has Derrick Smith's, and now I save all of the others for him. The pile is too large. I can't believe it.
We are not supposed to outlive our children. And 20 yr olds are not supposed to bury their friends. Somehow, somewhere, things got really backwards.
I wish I had more wise words, but I am lost. I am lost without answers and left with more questions.
To All the Moms and Dads out there who have had to watch their children's hearts break, I wish you well helping them through these sad days. It's not easy for me to see the ones Daniel loved the most live through sorrow and grief, so I can imagine their parents.
To all of Gerald's friends, be brave tomorrow and always. Hold each other tight. And i hope the tears will stop soon. There HAS to be better days ahead........
Monday, 12 December 2011
Aurora
A quick note, for I have a heavy heart again today.
Sorrow fills my days, but today, many friends and loved ones said good bye to an amazingly sweet and loving lady, Aurora Maria Angelozzi.
I have had the good fortune of knowing Aurora for about 25 years. I first met her when I was in high school and believe me, she didn't change one bit from the first day. I enjoyed her meals, her lasagna, her gnocchi and her always sweet words when I was young and although I did not see her often, she never forgot me and she always made time when out paths crossed. She would always ask about my children. She would tell me all about hers too, her every growing family, her 6 grandchildren whom she loved so much.
Aurora's 3 children have been a part of my life and Steven's and even Daniel's. Aurora was there to shed a tear when we said good bye to my baby,while she watched her son Marcy carry his tiny casket on that fateful day. Her heart broke when she heard about Daniel, she told me. And why wouldn't it? She watched Daniel grow, undoubtedly hearing stories from Marcy and Llonda (whom Daniel called Auntie and Uncle).
You see, Marcy is Steven's closest, dearest friend. We all went to school together and he has been a part of Steven and Lisa's and even Daniel's life since day one. He has held Steve up through easily the hardest times in his life. He has been a rock, a comforter and a friend of all friends. He is a good, good man who has the heart of his mother. He has even dried my tears, made me laugh and comforted me in these past years, and when it really counts...Marcy has always been there.
Marcy, thank you doesn't nearly touch the magnitude of love we have for you. From me, thank you for your kind words and loving spirit. Thank you for being with Steven and Lisa in all of these dark days...now it is our turn to help you and your family through this holiday season and all the days ahead, as we remember your sweet mother who raised three beautiful children and whose heart was always full of peace and love.
I wanted to write tonight because I care very much for Vince, Lena, Camillo and Marcy and all of their families and even though days, months and even years go by, you are all never far from my heart. Your mother is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing and she will not be forgotten. The world was always a better place with people like her in it. I know she was greeted in the heavens by her parents, her siblings and even my 2 boys, and there was a huge celebration of joy! For what she was on this earth, she is a million times more with all of them.
Rest easy Aurora, we will see you soon. I look forward to the celebration we have when we are all together again.
One Love xo
Sorrow fills my days, but today, many friends and loved ones said good bye to an amazingly sweet and loving lady, Aurora Maria Angelozzi.
I have had the good fortune of knowing Aurora for about 25 years. I first met her when I was in high school and believe me, she didn't change one bit from the first day. I enjoyed her meals, her lasagna, her gnocchi and her always sweet words when I was young and although I did not see her often, she never forgot me and she always made time when out paths crossed. She would always ask about my children. She would tell me all about hers too, her every growing family, her 6 grandchildren whom she loved so much.
Aurora's 3 children have been a part of my life and Steven's and even Daniel's. Aurora was there to shed a tear when we said good bye to my baby,while she watched her son Marcy carry his tiny casket on that fateful day. Her heart broke when she heard about Daniel, she told me. And why wouldn't it? She watched Daniel grow, undoubtedly hearing stories from Marcy and Llonda (whom Daniel called Auntie and Uncle).
You see, Marcy is Steven's closest, dearest friend. We all went to school together and he has been a part of Steven and Lisa's and even Daniel's life since day one. He has held Steve up through easily the hardest times in his life. He has been a rock, a comforter and a friend of all friends. He is a good, good man who has the heart of his mother. He has even dried my tears, made me laugh and comforted me in these past years, and when it really counts...Marcy has always been there.
Marcy, thank you doesn't nearly touch the magnitude of love we have for you. From me, thank you for your kind words and loving spirit. Thank you for being with Steven and Lisa in all of these dark days...now it is our turn to help you and your family through this holiday season and all the days ahead, as we remember your sweet mother who raised three beautiful children and whose heart was always full of peace and love.
I wanted to write tonight because I care very much for Vince, Lena, Camillo and Marcy and all of their families and even though days, months and even years go by, you are all never far from my heart. Your mother is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing and she will not be forgotten. The world was always a better place with people like her in it. I know she was greeted in the heavens by her parents, her siblings and even my 2 boys, and there was a huge celebration of joy! For what she was on this earth, she is a million times more with all of them.
Rest easy Aurora, we will see you soon. I look forward to the celebration we have when we are all together again.
One Love xo
Saturday, 10 December 2011
The Crown He Wore
Where do I start.
As I sit here wrapping Christmas presents with my daughter I am ready to share my thoughts on yesterday's developments. Talk about poor timing. I should wrap presents...but I can't.
Yesterday was almost like August 4th all over again for me. A huge blow to us all, and I know you all have probably now heard.
I was visited, in my home by two Victoria Police Detectives on Friday afternoon. I knew they were coming as I received a phone call on Thursday evening from Sgt. Craig Harper, wanting to make sure that I would be home. There has been some new developments in the case and they wanted to tell me in person. As you can well imagine, I did not sleep one wink that night as I dreamed up huge elaborate possibilities as to why they would come here to talk to me. I knew the news could not be good. Revelstoke seems a long way to come from Victoria. (it's really not, I was told, they would travel all the way across Canada if they had to sometimes). The two detectives were very pleasant gentleman whose jobs when visiting families can't possibly be their most favorite part. I had met one of the detectives before and he was as kind and caring as I remembered. The other was someone new, but kind just the same. They sat in my living room and got straight to the point.
There has been some developments in the case, one's not disclosed to the public, that have created a complication. They are (were) no longer able to keep the accused in jail charged with the crime they had charged him with. As you can all imagine, there is certain criteria that needs to be met in ALL cases, and at this time, the Crown Council can not meet all those terms and he indeed, is now released. How devastating. My heart is broken yet again.
Here is what I know.....this is not over. I cannot in anyway hold the detectives or RCMP responsible for this turn of events. I know and believe with my whole entire heart that they have always worked diligently to figuring out what happened that fateful night. I also believe that some day, we will indeed all know the truth. I don't know when day that will be...but I hold onto the hope that there will be some closure....some day. I also know, that I (we) can not look to the Canadian justice system for our comfort and healing. We can not because nothing is going to bring Daniel back. Nothing is different today than yesterday or tomorrow. I miss my son. I miss his laugh and his voice. I miss how lovingly he spoke to Lainey and how proud he always was of Joel. We have a huge unchanging void in our life, and its not going anywhere no matter who is in jail or who isn't.
I have spent the last 4 months trying to figure out where to go from here. How to carry on. How to find joy and peace, and you know what? I can find it. I can laugh, I can have fun and I can be a lot of things I always was before. I can kiss my living children goodnight, and watch them both grow into amazing human beings. But what I can't do is spend any of my emotion on the person responsible for this nightmare. I have said it before and I will say it until my last day, I refuse to give that person an ounce of my emotions because if I do, I will lose myself in anger and despair. It's a constant struggle I can tell you that, but it is necessary for survival. I buried my son on August 11, but with him did not go all of the amazing things he IS and all of the beautiful memories I so cherish of him, and us.
I know that we can never say for certain what happens at our death but, I believe that God has a promise and that there is no way that someone as wonderful as Daniel could exist on this earth and that it ends there. He was a good boy from a good family. He was not without his flaws or bad decisions. He made mistakes and bad choices like we all do. But this is what Daniel didn't do. He didn't take his life, love or friends for granted. He loved his life. He lived it cherishing every moment and all the people in it. Anyone who was fortunate to be a friend of Daniel's KNOWS that if there was anybody who would be in their corner when the going got tough, it would be Daniel. When things seemed hopeless, he would gently comfort offering the peace of better days ahead. Daniel loved with his whole heart. Sorrow would fill him if a friend would share of their suffering from the death of a father, the broken heart of a fiance leaving, the sometimes unbearable pressures from families or jobs. He would offer his heart and his ear to listen and comfort because Daniel believed that everyone deserved grace and good fortune no matter what troubles had to be faced. Daniel would say "No matter what happens, I will be your friend and I will stand by your side" Even in his last day he truly believed that the people he was friends with and whom he chose to spend his time with were worthy of all the love and joy that they were capable of receiving. He did not believe that there was NO good somewhere in everyone. He did NOT believe that there are people on this earth who set out to intentionally hurt and deceive others they claim to care for. That sort of thing did not exist in Daniel's life, or so he thought.
Daniel wore an invisible crown from the day he was born. It was not a halo (believe me) but it was a crown that sometimes shone so brightly I could not see anything else. His crown was made of love, forgiveness, trust and grace. Things maybe so rare and precious, they glittered right into the sparkle in his eye. Did this make Daniel different than most people? Maybe. Did it make him vulnerable to people's evil deceiving ways? So it does seem. But I remember it as if it were yesterday, that first day that I saw it....and I will never forget.
I could go on and on about what sets Daniel apart, but tonight this blog is about what's left behind and where we go from here.
I say publicly right now that it matters not to me who walks this earth free. I have hope everlasting and much joy and love to give still on this earth and I intend on keeping on until I breathe no more. I am not better, I am not over it and I AM going to have my bad days, probably forever. BUT ...I refuse to let this get the best of me. Daniel has siblings, a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and scores of friends that will never be far from my heart. My children deserve better than all this hurt and Daniel deserves better than what has happened. He is forever my firstborn son whom I adore. No one, on this earth can take that away from me and I pity the soul who does not have the love and support that Daniel has always had and will forever still, even in his death.
Rest easy my beautiful son...you did not die in vain, this is not over and I will fight every day of my life to make sure you are never forgotten or ignored. You heart is my heart, just as I carried you in my womb and you life depended on mine...I promise there will be peace and justice. One way or another.
Daniel, my Daniel.....I miss you so
xo
PS....Thank you to Tekarra Wilkinson for all the beautiful pictures you took of Daniel after his move to Victoria. You opened a window for all of us to see him in his last few weeks of his life. I am FOREVER grateful.
As I sit here wrapping Christmas presents with my daughter I am ready to share my thoughts on yesterday's developments. Talk about poor timing. I should wrap presents...but I can't.
Yesterday was almost like August 4th all over again for me. A huge blow to us all, and I know you all have probably now heard.
I was visited, in my home by two Victoria Police Detectives on Friday afternoon. I knew they were coming as I received a phone call on Thursday evening from Sgt. Craig Harper, wanting to make sure that I would be home. There has been some new developments in the case and they wanted to tell me in person. As you can well imagine, I did not sleep one wink that night as I dreamed up huge elaborate possibilities as to why they would come here to talk to me. I knew the news could not be good. Revelstoke seems a long way to come from Victoria. (it's really not, I was told, they would travel all the way across Canada if they had to sometimes). The two detectives were very pleasant gentleman whose jobs when visiting families can't possibly be their most favorite part. I had met one of the detectives before and he was as kind and caring as I remembered. The other was someone new, but kind just the same. They sat in my living room and got straight to the point.
There has been some developments in the case, one's not disclosed to the public, that have created a complication. They are (were) no longer able to keep the accused in jail charged with the crime they had charged him with. As you can all imagine, there is certain criteria that needs to be met in ALL cases, and at this time, the Crown Council can not meet all those terms and he indeed, is now released. How devastating. My heart is broken yet again.
Here is what I know.....this is not over. I cannot in anyway hold the detectives or RCMP responsible for this turn of events. I know and believe with my whole entire heart that they have always worked diligently to figuring out what happened that fateful night. I also believe that some day, we will indeed all know the truth. I don't know when day that will be...but I hold onto the hope that there will be some closure....some day. I also know, that I (we) can not look to the Canadian justice system for our comfort and healing. We can not because nothing is going to bring Daniel back. Nothing is different today than yesterday or tomorrow. I miss my son. I miss his laugh and his voice. I miss how lovingly he spoke to Lainey and how proud he always was of Joel. We have a huge unchanging void in our life, and its not going anywhere no matter who is in jail or who isn't.
I have spent the last 4 months trying to figure out where to go from here. How to carry on. How to find joy and peace, and you know what? I can find it. I can laugh, I can have fun and I can be a lot of things I always was before. I can kiss my living children goodnight, and watch them both grow into amazing human beings. But what I can't do is spend any of my emotion on the person responsible for this nightmare. I have said it before and I will say it until my last day, I refuse to give that person an ounce of my emotions because if I do, I will lose myself in anger and despair. It's a constant struggle I can tell you that, but it is necessary for survival. I buried my son on August 11, but with him did not go all of the amazing things he IS and all of the beautiful memories I so cherish of him, and us.
I know that we can never say for certain what happens at our death but, I believe that God has a promise and that there is no way that someone as wonderful as Daniel could exist on this earth and that it ends there. He was a good boy from a good family. He was not without his flaws or bad decisions. He made mistakes and bad choices like we all do. But this is what Daniel didn't do. He didn't take his life, love or friends for granted. He loved his life. He lived it cherishing every moment and all the people in it. Anyone who was fortunate to be a friend of Daniel's KNOWS that if there was anybody who would be in their corner when the going got tough, it would be Daniel. When things seemed hopeless, he would gently comfort offering the peace of better days ahead. Daniel loved with his whole heart. Sorrow would fill him if a friend would share of their suffering from the death of a father, the broken heart of a fiance leaving, the sometimes unbearable pressures from families or jobs. He would offer his heart and his ear to listen and comfort because Daniel believed that everyone deserved grace and good fortune no matter what troubles had to be faced. Daniel would say "No matter what happens, I will be your friend and I will stand by your side" Even in his last day he truly believed that the people he was friends with and whom he chose to spend his time with were worthy of all the love and joy that they were capable of receiving. He did not believe that there was NO good somewhere in everyone. He did NOT believe that there are people on this earth who set out to intentionally hurt and deceive others they claim to care for. That sort of thing did not exist in Daniel's life, or so he thought.
Daniel wore an invisible crown from the day he was born. It was not a halo (believe me) but it was a crown that sometimes shone so brightly I could not see anything else. His crown was made of love, forgiveness, trust and grace. Things maybe so rare and precious, they glittered right into the sparkle in his eye. Did this make Daniel different than most people? Maybe. Did it make him vulnerable to people's evil deceiving ways? So it does seem. But I remember it as if it were yesterday, that first day that I saw it....and I will never forget.
I could go on and on about what sets Daniel apart, but tonight this blog is about what's left behind and where we go from here.
I say publicly right now that it matters not to me who walks this earth free. I have hope everlasting and much joy and love to give still on this earth and I intend on keeping on until I breathe no more. I am not better, I am not over it and I AM going to have my bad days, probably forever. BUT ...I refuse to let this get the best of me. Daniel has siblings, a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and scores of friends that will never be far from my heart. My children deserve better than all this hurt and Daniel deserves better than what has happened. He is forever my firstborn son whom I adore. No one, on this earth can take that away from me and I pity the soul who does not have the love and support that Daniel has always had and will forever still, even in his death.
Rest easy my beautiful son...you did not die in vain, this is not over and I will fight every day of my life to make sure you are never forgotten or ignored. You heart is my heart, just as I carried you in my womb and you life depended on mine...I promise there will be peace and justice. One way or another.
Daniel, my Daniel.....I miss you so
xo
PS....Thank you to Tekarra Wilkinson for all the beautiful pictures you took of Daniel after his move to Victoria. You opened a window for all of us to see him in his last few weeks of his life. I am FOREVER grateful.
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