Clearly it is an understatement to start out with how this has been the worst 8 months of our lives. I think anyone who has a heart can imagine how hard it is for all who loved Daniel to not think of him every single day. I am sure there are some people who may read this blog who didn't actually know him. Maybe they know me, or Steven or maybe even Joel or Lainey. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to recognize that the death of a child, brother, friend etc., is tragic to say the least.
It's funny that I start out talking about people who have hearts. It is extremely difficult for me to not start ranting and raving with anger and hurt feelings. The things that our family has had to deal with in the last few weeks is nothing short of unnecessary and sad. Sad beyond words that any one of us, after having survived what we have faced, have to listen to the lies and rumors and judgements swirling around. Its sad that people can't just build us up, rather than tear us down.
Walk a day in my shoes.
Sit on the edge of my bed each morning and dangle your feet as you contemplate whether you can even face the day.
Stand in the shower and as every drop of water hits your body, let it wash the tears from the previous day and night down the drain.
Go into my kitchen and pull out 2 bowls for your children's breakfast ... wishing you were needing 4.
Look at the calendar on the fridge and count back the months, realizing that you haven't heard your child's voice for eight whole months, and knowing for certain you will NEVER hear it again.
Go back to my room and get dressed, every morning resisting crawling back into bed, and never wanting to wake up.
Put on a brave face and be thankful that, for the time being, your living children are safe...but will they stay that way?
Wait a second, what about the father who is now childless...how must he feel?
Both Steven and I go to work every single day, because life has to go forward. Just when things start to get going in a positive direction, we get knocked down again.
I can honestly say, because I have had the misfortune of having lived through burying a child once before, I know that a child who was killed at the hands of a murderer is much different. When our baby died, we laid him to rest. He was at peace and every day that we missed him, was also a day of slight healing. Our lives were never once the same after, but, we carried on and we survived. I used to say that I could probably handle anything life threw at me because I had buried my child...I didn't mean I could handle this. This time, it seems nearly impossible to survive. Our baby boy Daniel, can not be at rest. Or shall I say, we can not be. After you lose a child, wanting to protect them and care for them does not go away. I struggle every day with wanting people to know the whole truth and not what the accused would have the world believe. I am so angry. A normal stage of grief, and one Steven has been stuck on for the better part of these 8 months.
This isn't fair.
This isn't right.
I promise you that every day of my life I will tell everyone and anyone the truth, about my son and about that piece of shit who murdered him.
Joshua Tyler Bredo, <----- his legal name. Joshua Baba,<-----his step father's last name, possibly also his mother's as well. Joshua Buxton <----the name Daniel believed. Josh Chartier, Josh Mitchell. Any more you can think of?? I guarantee this person is on to his next victim and trust me, no one is safe. Not children, not employers, not co workers, not politicians, not grieving families of war heroes, not people he calls friends.
Invited to his home?? Look out for hammers, and if he has a globe...don't look inside it...you wont like to see what you find.
I encourage every single person to Google any or all of those names and see what he has done to all innocent people. Look at his picture. Study his face and warn all the people you love. And if you have ever had any doubt about how the afternoon of August 3rd 2011 went, Google Daniel's name. Read about the candle light vigil, the over 1000 people who attended his funeral, read about how the benefit concert dedicated to his memory raised almost 14,000 dollars (maybe more) for a scholarship in his honor. That's right, I said honor. Daniel touched and changed lives. His writings, his music, his love was never changing, never judging. He was amazing, kind, gentle. He loved life, his family, his friends. He was the best big brother around, his siblings LITERALLY adored and idolized him. He wasn't perfect, but he was very easily one of the most if not THE most influential people I have ever known. And he was my son. I carried him for 9 (almost 10) months. I gave birth to him and I loved him every second that his heart beat. Knowing Daniel made me want to be a better person. He did that to people, helped them realize their potential.
He told them to sing,
be proud and
love one another.
He was a peacemaker, a lover...not a fighter.
He was a beautiful soul.
We could all take the time it takes to read this to contemplate how lucky this world was to have someone like Daniel in it. For those of you who have children, thank God that they are still with you. Please, everyone, be kind to one another. Do not pass judgement, steer clear from spreading gossip but instead, spread love hope and peace. A good intention goes a very long way. Wish for the families of all the children who were taken in the last year to be well. Everyone handles grief differently and I for one, wish I was back to work on the running trades because that would mean I was doing better than I am. I wouldn't wish what I, and the rest of Daniel's friends and family are living through on anyone.
Ever.
This wasn't a very happy or hopeful post but, as tomorrow draws near I have to get ready to ...
sit on the edge of my bed and contemplate whether I can face the day.
I have to shower all of today's tears down the drain and
take out 2 bowls for breakfast.......
