It intrigues me why, as more time passes between blogs, the harder it is to write again.  I have so much to say...I write blogs in my head every single day.  Lately I want to rant.  I want to tell people what its like to live a day in my life.  How easily my feelings can sometimes be hurt, and on the other hand, how numb I feel.  I don't want to say thinga to drum up any extra sympathy or attention....I just don't think people get it.
As our lives plod on, it is sometimes all I can do to feed my kids and tidy my house.  I work all week, like every normal person.  I have a smile on my face.  I am personable and cheery...but by 5 ...I generally have little left.  What people who think I should "get over it"  or who think I am "milking" my time in the office ...what they dont realize are the simple things in life that seem enormous too me.  Burying two children and surviving, is a feat many can not possibly imagine.  As this last weekend, Revelstoke said goodbye to another sweet angel, I couldn't help but weep for the parents and siblings and friends.  I imagine that I will feel like that after every tragedy that hits close to home.  But here are the hidden things people don't realize.  Today, I had to call the govenment of Canada to discuss what monies are owing to Daniel for his CPP contributions.  I sit on hold, for 40 mins.  holding in my hand a letter asking me to call them.  THen I have to explain why I am calling, I say..."Hi my name is Stacey.  I am calling regarding a letter I received addressed to the Esate of my deseased son Daniel"     This week I have to call Daniel's employers and ask for his T4's so I can file his very last tax return.  On Monday, I had to take my two survuvung children to their regular grief counselling session, and i go as well.   I have to send a picture to the local Funeral home of my baby, so his new headstone can be completed because it was damaged during its refurishing.  (I wanted more than anything to have the boys' markers be exactly the same (just like I used to dress them like twins)...I wanted baby's to look brand new so  they matched)  This spring, the baby's will be brand new, and they will match identically.