The grief of losing a child does not get easier over time, believe me. Does life go on? Yes. But with every passing day and minute, grief does not let you forget everything our child has missed. So much has happened in three years, and Daniel has missed it all.
As I write this now, it has been precisely three years to the minute that I last spoke to Daniel. He woke up on this exceptionally beautiful day (not unlike today) happy and excited. His life was coming together, so he thought, and that very day was one he truly was excited for. Little did he know that it would be his very last. As he prepared himself for his "planned day" he also packed his suitcase for his pending trip home, and of course, he didn't forget to text his Mum.
The last conversation I had with him I told him how much I loved him and how very very proud I was of him. I'm so glad I told him that. To every parent out there, make sure your children always know the extent of your love for them, for until they are parents themselves they really can't fathom the deep rooted aching love we have in our actual souls for them.
While Daniel prepared for his day, someone else was planning his day too.
August third has seared a hole in my whole being. Although I wasn't aware of his death until the next morning, I can't stop myself from reliving what it must have been like for Daniel as he lay dying, wondering why this could have happened. As he was rushed to the hospital while the medics tried to revive him and save his life, his beautiful heart couldn't take the trauma, sadness and betrayal. He must have been so sad and scared. And alone. No matter how old your baby is, you wish you could take away their hurt and pain. I wish so much I was there. Even if I could have held his hand as he drifted away. So I could tell him one last time how much I love him and how very very proud I am of him.
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| I had never seen this picture of Daniel before today. Thank you Papa |
And speaking on behalf of every grieving parent, I can truly say, we all understand life and love a lot differently than most. We laugh not as often as we used to, we cry a lot easier than we once did and we have a hope as desperate as ever before, that we won't lose another. (And never forget Steven has none left to lose) Pain sculpts us, whether we like it or not.
I do believe that some of the raw grief and tummy aches we get are in part because the lack of closure. Looming over our heads is a trial set for the end of January 2015. Not a soul alive on this planet who knew and loved Daniel could ever downplay the tragedy of this trial surrounding his death, and just as importantly the manner of which he died. In all of our hearts we know Daniel was FAR too important to too many people to have him ripped away. We also all know of his innocence and integrity and his absolute devastation to leave this world in such a way. I can only hope that he can not know what we are feeling on this earth and the fear and sadness this trial will bring to us all. Daniel would die another day to spare us this agony. He loved us all far too much to want to see us suffer at the hands of a potentially unfair justice system.
Among the many milestones Daniel has missed, besides 3 birthdays, 3 Christmas', 3 summers and winters. Mirra, Scarlet, Danyka, all his big cousins babies. He most importantly has missed watching his sister and brother grow up to be as amazing as him. We all see so much of him in both of them and they really are exceptional in every way. As Daniel would have the entire world know, Joel and Lainey made him proud every single day. The love between these three siblings is and always will be as wonderful as they are. I, myself, often marvel as I see how much they miss each other when they are apart and wish for only the best for each other in every way. Of course this sibling love isn't completely unique, it is however rare and true. Daniel's death has left an unhealed wound on the very hearts of the two that loved him like no other. It's not fair. And as I raise my fist in the air wanting to know why this has to happen to these lovely innocents, I see no real reason for it. What a shitty way to learn at such young ages that life is truly not fair.
It would be super easy for me to continue to write for hours about my feelings and how much we miss and love Daniel but I do not think it is always right or fair to burden so many with all this raw hurt. I do wish though, that maybe as you read this you understand how much grieving families need more understanding and love than others. To all the people who have sent us love today and everyday, please know that it is that very love that will get us through the next three years and beyond. Without remembering and without love, we all lose. Love is all we need.
"There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition
and of unspeakable love"
Here's to the 20 years of Daniel we did get! Remember his smile, his love and his gracious, thankful being. What we all wouldn't give for one more hug.
One Love. Always.
