Maybe because tomorrow is Mother's Day, maybe because we have lost someone so dear to our whole family today, or maybe now just because it is time...I write. Writing really does help. Me at least. It doesn't necessarily make me feel closer to Daniel or less sad but there is something about putting my feelings into words that has some valuable therapy to it. This is something I encourage all who are trying desperately to carry a heavy burden on your hearts.
I started this blog at Steven's encouragement. I am glad he suggested it. It started out being a place where we could share our thoughts and memories about Daniel. I thought I would write many times all the cute and funny stuff he used to say and do. Like when I was pregnant with Joel and I asked him,
"Daniel, what do you think we should call your new baby brother or sister? Have you thought of any names?" A question I sincerely asked because I thought it would be quite amazing if I could tell him one day that he named his sibling. Keeping in mind he was only 5 at the time.
He thought quite earnestly on the question and said very matter of fact,
"Mummy, what do you think of the name Stan?" Haha
I am sure Joel is pleased I didn't choose Stan but for all of his friends can you come up with why he liked that name?? Well OF COURSE it's because it rhymes with Dan. I just know it :)
Now that I have shared a cute story, it makes me happy because all I really want to do is write about how sad I really am. I am so sad. Steven is so sad. We all are.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. How blessed am I to be the mother of such amazing kids. Joel and Lainey's love is what gets me through the very tough days. If it wasn't for them there is no doubt in my mind I would give up. And celebrating in Heaven are my two most beautifuls who, I was so lucky to have had in my life, no matter for how short a time. So many days I have wished I wasn't me. But I remind myself constantly that if I wasn't, I wouldn't know the joy these children have brought me.
Only the heart of a mother who has stood at the grave of their lost child can understand the absolute aching sorrow that I feel. Each and every day. It truly is a miracle that we all can even carry on with our day to day lives, never mind function so well that the general public, some of our colleagues and friends etc., think we are "over it". The pain in my heart never leaves. Like a broken leg that never heals - you can remember what it was like when the pain wasn't there, but every step you take you feel it. Sometimes I find it hard to even breathe. Its a true and physical pain it the pit of my soul.
Rhonda Brunetti, Frankie's mum, posted one of the most powerful sentiments on my FB wall today. I want to share it with you.
My Mom is unlike any other mom.
She has plenty of regrets and she dwells on them often.She's often not kind to herself.
She has made her share of mistakes and she says how sorry she is for them.
Yet, she has loved me with every fiber of her being since I came into her life.
She did her best to take care of me then. She does her best to take care of me now.
Because the day I died, my Mom changed.
And I know she will never be the same.
Every day is a struggle for her. She puts on her brave face and shares me with others
when she can.
When she feels the heaviness of my absence, she cries in the car, and in the shower,
and in the bed,
and in church and on walks until there are no more tears left for that day.
Somehow she finds the will to live from one second until the next.
She remembers me through every season, through ordinary days and on special days.
She whispers to me "I love you. I miss you" faithfully when others can not hear her.
She tends my grave, she holds my ashes, she cuddles my blankets, she lays in my bed.
My mom wants to bring me back, she'd give anything to bring me back. But she knows she can't.
So she brings my love into the world by helping many others who are suffering and she holds me
in her heart with every act of compassion.
Her love for me is more powerful than any force in the Universe.
And mine for her.
We are a part of one another beyond this world.
I wish that the world could know how fragile our hearts are. That when one word or action seems so harmless to some, it can shatter an already aching heart. That no matter how much time passes, nothing will change this. We live in a selfish world. Kindness to others should be paramount in this life...we never really know what each others hearts are feeling. I, for one, am sorry for ever complicating any one's life. I wish only for peace in my heart and the same for others who are struggling with loss and hurt.
I miss my boys. Today and every day.
Today the world lost a dear man. A husband, a Daddy, a Papa, a best friend.
If he hadn't left us so soon, I wanted to tell him to give my sweet boys a kiss from me...but I didn't get a chance to say good bye.
He is Home. With his own Mum for Mother's Day. How wonderful.
I will never forget you Uncle Ron. xox
One Love for all. That's my wish
Stace
