Three Tear-filled Years

Whomever can believe that it's been three years put up their hand.....Seems nearly impossible while reflecting on those terrible first days after losing Daniel. To be perfectly honest I didn't know if I would even make it one day sometimes, never mind three years.  But as the days have turned into years, the tears and grief can not be accounted for on any earthly calendar.  It is, indeed, fair to say that the heart's timing is much different.

The grief of losing a child does not get easier over  time, believe me.  Does life go on? Yes.  But with every passing day and minute, grief does not let you forget everything our child has missed.  So much has happened in three years, and Daniel has missed it all.

As I write this now, it has been precisely three years to the minute that I last spoke to Daniel.  He woke up on this exceptionally beautiful day (not unlike today) happy and excited.  His life was coming together, so he thought, and that very day was one he truly was excited for.  Little did he know that it would be his very last.  As he prepared himself for his "planned day" he also packed his suitcase for his pending trip home, and of course, he didn't forget to text his Mum.

The last conversation I had with him I told him how much I loved him and how very very proud I was of him.  I'm so glad I told him that.  To every parent out there, make sure your children always know the extent of your love for them, for until they are parents themselves they really can't fathom the deep rooted aching love we have in our actual souls for them.

While Daniel prepared for his day, someone else was planning his day too.

August third has seared a hole in my whole being.  Although I wasn't aware of his death until the next morning, I can't stop myself from reliving what it must have been like for Daniel as he lay dying, wondering why this could have happened.  As he was rushed to the hospital while the medics tried to revive him and save his life, his beautiful heart couldn't take the trauma, sadness and betrayal.  He must have been so sad and scared.  And alone.   No matter how old your baby is, you wish you could take away their hurt and pain. I wish so much I was there.  Even if I could have held his hand as he drifted away.  So I could tell him one last time how much I love him and how very very proud I am of him.

I had never seen this picture of Daniel before today.  Thank you Papa

Believe me when I say that we don't want to be sad and sombre today   We don't wish for attention and special treatment.  We have all been told or treated like we should get over it.  What people who have hearts of ice see is a family who carries on and doesn't cry every day. What's the big deal?  It was three years ago?  Ha.  If anyone out there reading this has ANY love for their own child or children please don't judge us by the same measure as the average family.  For families who have lost children are NEVER EVER EVER the same again.
And speaking on behalf of every grieving parent, I can truly say, we all understand life and love a lot differently than most.  We laugh not as often as we used to, we cry a lot easier than we once did and we have a hope as desperate as ever before, that we won't lose another. (And never forget Steven has none left to lose)  Pain sculpts us, whether we like it or not.

I do believe that some of the raw grief and tummy aches we get are in part because the lack of closure.  Looming over our heads is a trial set for the end of January 2015.  Not a soul alive on this planet who knew and loved Daniel could ever downplay the tragedy of this trial surrounding his death, and just as importantly the manner of which he died.  In all of our hearts we know Daniel was FAR too important to too many people to have him ripped away.  We also all know of his innocence and integrity and his absolute devastation to leave this world in such a way.  I can only hope that he can not know what we are feeling on this earth and the fear and sadness this trial will bring to us all.  Daniel would die another day to spare us this agony.  He loved us all far too much to want to see us suffer at the hands of a potentially unfair justice system.

Among the many milestones Daniel has missed, besides 3 birthdays, 3 Christmas', 3 summers and winters. Mirra, Scarlet, Danyka, all his big cousins babies. He most importantly has missed watching his sister and brother grow up to be as amazing as him.  We all see so much of him in both of them and they really are exceptional in every way.  As Daniel would have the entire world know, Joel and Lainey made him proud every single day.  The love between these three siblings is and always will be as wonderful as they are.  I, myself, often marvel as I see how much they miss each other when they are apart and wish for only the best for each other in every way.  Of course this sibling love isn't completely unique, it is however rare and true.  Daniel's death has left an unhealed wound on the very hearts of the two that loved him like no other.  It's not fair.  And as I raise my fist in the air wanting to know why this has to happen to these lovely innocents, I see no real reason  for it.  What a shitty way to learn at such young ages that life is truly not fair.

It would be super easy for me to continue to write for hours about my feelings and how much we miss and love Daniel but I do not think it is always right or fair to burden so many with all this raw hurt.  I do wish though, that maybe as you read this you understand how much grieving families need more understanding and love than others.  To all the people who have sent us love today and everyday, please know that it is that very love that will get us through the next three years and beyond.  Without remembering and without love, we all lose.  Love is all we need.

"There is a sacredness in tears.  

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. 

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition 

and of unspeakable love"

Here's to the 20 years of Daniel we did get!  Remember his smile, his love and his gracious, thankful being.  What we all wouldn't give for one more hug.

One Love.  Always.

We Are Part of One Another Beyond This World

Well, so much for posting something I wrote in August.  I didn't do it.  I said I would write when I am less bitter and angry, but I guess that day has really never come. I think now, more than ever, I feel so ripped off.  I miss Daniel more than I can bare some days...my grief has taken a whole new path.

Maybe because tomorrow is Mother's Day, maybe because we have lost someone so dear to our whole family today, or maybe now just because it is time...I write.  Writing really does help.  Me at least.  It doesn't necessarily make me feel closer to Daniel or less sad but there is something about putting my feelings into words that has some valuable therapy to it.  This is something I encourage all who are trying desperately to carry a heavy burden on your hearts.

I started this blog at Steven's encouragement.  I am glad he suggested it.  It started out being a place where we could share our thoughts and memories about Daniel.  I thought I would write many times all the cute and funny stuff he used to say and do.  Like when I was pregnant with Joel and I asked him,
"Daniel, what do you think we should call your new baby brother or sister? Have you thought of any names?"  A question I sincerely asked because I thought it would be quite amazing if I could tell him one day that he named his sibling.  Keeping in mind he was only 5 at the time.
He thought quite earnestly on the question and said very matter of fact,
"Mummy, what do you think of the name Stan?"   Haha 
I am sure Joel is pleased I didn't choose Stan but for all of his friends can you come up with why he liked that name?? Well OF COURSE it's because it rhymes with Dan.  I just know it :)

Now that I have shared a cute story, it makes me happy because all I really want to do is write about how sad I really am.  I am so sad.  Steven is so sad. We all are.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  How blessed am I to  be the mother of such amazing kids.  Joel and Lainey's love is what gets me through the very tough days.  If it wasn't for them there is no doubt in my mind I would give up.  And celebrating in Heaven are my two most beautifuls who, I was so lucky to have had in my life, no matter for how short a time.  So many days I have wished I wasn't me.  But I remind myself constantly that if I wasn't, I wouldn't know the joy these children have brought me.

Only the heart of a mother who has stood at the grave of their lost child can understand the absolute aching sorrow that I feel.  Each and every day.  It truly is a miracle that we all can even carry on with our day to day lives, never mind function so well that the general public, some of our colleagues and friends etc., think we are "over it".  The pain in my heart never leaves.  Like a broken leg that never heals - you can remember what it was like when the pain wasn't there, but every step you take you feel it.  Sometimes I find it hard to even breathe.  Its a true and physical pain it the pit of my soul.

Rhonda Brunetti, Frankie's mum, posted one of the most powerful sentiments on my FB wall today.  I want to share it with you.

My Mom is unlike any other mom.

She has plenty of regrets and she dwells on them often.She's often not kind to herself.

She has made her share of mistakes and she says how sorry she is for them.

Yet, she has loved me with every fiber of her being since I came into her life.

She did her best to take care of me then.  She does her best to take care of me now.

Because the day I died, my Mom changed.

And I know she will never be the same.

Every day is a struggle for her. She puts on her brave face and shares me with others 

when she can.

When she feels the heaviness of my absence, she cries in the car, and in the shower, 

and in the bed, 

and in church and on walks until there are no more tears left for that day.

Somehow she finds the will to live from one second until the next.

She remembers me through every season, through ordinary days and on special days.

She whispers to me "I love you.  I miss you" faithfully when others can not hear her.

She tends my grave, she holds my ashes, she cuddles my blankets, she lays in my bed.

My mom wants to bring me back, she'd give anything to bring me back. But she knows she can't.

So she brings my love into the world by helping many others who are suffering and she holds me

in her heart with every act of compassion.

Her love for me is more powerful than any force in the Universe.

And mine for her.

We are a part of one another beyond this world.

I wish that the world could know how fragile our hearts are.  That when one word or action seems so harmless to some, it can shatter an already aching heart.  That no matter how much time passes, nothing will change this.  We live in a selfish world.   Kindness to others should be paramount in this life...we never really know what each others hearts are feeling.  I, for one, am sorry for ever complicating any one's life.  I wish only for peace in my heart and the same for others who are struggling with loss and hurt.

I miss my boys.  Today and every day.


Today the world lost a dear man.  A husband, a Daddy, a Papa, a best friend.
If he hadn't left us so soon, I wanted to tell him to give my sweet boys a kiss from me...but I didn't get a chance to say good bye. 
He is Home.  With his own Mum for Mother's Day. How wonderful.
I will never forget you Uncle Ron. xox

One Love for all.  That's my wish

Stace