Merry Christmas Daniel

So here we are, two days from Christmas when most everyone in the world is or has been preparing for the holiday season.  Shopping is done, turkeys are thawing the trees are up.  Daniel loved Christmas.  And even though so many people say that Christmas isn't about presents and gifts, Daniel meant it when he said it.  He clearly loved the presents he received, for he was quite blessed to be able to have two full Christmas' almost every single year.  You see, Daniel's father's birthday is tomorrow (Christmas Eve) and most every year Steven was here in Revelstoke visiting his and Lisa's families as well, of course, as Daniel.  Christmas Eve was always spent at Grandma and Papa's house first with Steven's birthday celebration then with Christmas gifts.  Then...sleepy little (and big) Daniel would come home to me and hit his pillow like a ton of bricks...somewhat excited to have Santa come.  He used to write the funniest letters to him, and yes I have saved them all.  The funny thing about little Daniel (and big) is that I would always wake up first on Christmas Morning...and putter around trying to make lots of noise to wake him up...and he never did!  Every Christmas morning I would go into his room and say "Daniel...Santa was here"  and finally he would get up.  He was never one to want or need a million things.  Daniel really was a pleaser..he just wanted everyone he loved to be together and be happy.  Boy, we miss that.

It strikes me as no coincidence that on Friday, just a few days before Christmas, when his Dad is already in Revelstoke, his brother and sister are free from school and upon my return from my trip I got quite an amazing bit of news.  When I turned my phone on I had a few messages from some of my contacts in Victoria asking me to call them.  I told myself, in my head, that I should call when I get home...but I couldn't wait.  I went into a quiet part  of the station and called Det. Mike Darling.  What he said to me, and how he said it, I will never forget.  He informed me that the Crown, having reviewed the package they had put together for the last 16 months, had approved the charge of FIRST DEGREE MURDER  in Daniel's death and that Joshua Tyler Bredo was taken into custody in Okotoks Alberta earlier in the day. My legs buckled and I lost my breath. I feel kinda silly that I went momentarily hysterical on the phone (poor Mike, not that its the first time he has heard me like that) . First Degree??  Really??  Never in my wildest dreams did I EVER see that actually coming to light. 

Through some of my writing on here perhaps you can see that I have from DAY ONE believed that this was premeditated murder.  Although I have done my best to be graceful with my grief and be strong...I have made no mistake on what my heart has been telling me.  Clearly, being the mother of a murder victim, one would perhaps assume that it would always seem logical that I would see it that way, but it was more than my mother's heart telling me this.  I kid you not, since the day I buried my boy, I have been solving his murder in my head.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I knew a lot of what led up to that day.  I listened to every person who had anything to add to the whole situation and I put it all together.  As I have said before, Daniel was not leaving that apartment alive.  This was planned.

Because I have been so well coached and have had all the questions about the court processed so intricately explained, I was very well aware and prepared for the fact that what the police think happened and what they can prove are vastly different things.  Also, the Crown will not just flippantly throw around any kind of charge that they think they might not be able to make stick.  So first degree murder seemed miles away.  But here we are.  And although I know no real details on what new evidence or what kind of light was shed on this case, it doesn't even matter, here we are, and it is the best possible path we could be taking.  Call it what you want, be it Daniel's handy work, all that prayer...whatever, we wouldn't be at this stage if we didn't all believe in Daniel and want the truth to be heard.

I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has supported our family over these last 16 months.  To my friends who have loved me even through all the pain and crazy times. My employer Canadian Pacific and my colleagues who have been compassionate and understanding I am eternally grateful.  To the community of Revelstoke and beyond, who have supported us with well wishes and prayers.  To Daniel's friends who haven't forgotten about us, always making sure to include us in their lives even now. To my beautiful children who have given me a reason to keep it together, even when I didn't want to. To Steven, for giving me my beautiful son. But most of all, I reserve the most infinite thanks to Constable Margo Downey, Det. Mike Darling and every member of the team whom I have never even met, for never giving up and losing hope.  For fighting for a boy they had never been blessed to meet on this earth, for giving up time with their own families over all these months, losing sleep, and even when it seemed hopeless, they pressed on, all of them.  I can not begin to understand what it must take to investigate such tragedies, and although I know it's their job, I also know, it's who they are , not just what they do that makes families, such as mine, find some sort of peace when they can.  Although I can not possibly know how this is all going to turn out, I do have some sense of relief that the right person is now, and forevermore, being held accountable for the events that took place on August 3, 2011 in that Cormorant Street apartment.  The very worst day of my life.

As we all begin this new journey, please remember us in your prayers and intentions, continue to wish us strength and peace.  I am scared to death.  I already know that the pain isn't over, and the anticipation of a trial and all the lies that awful person is going to tell, will be unbearable to hear but are still nothing like the words "Daniel is never coming home".

Daniel Jordan Levesque, my first born son, my child, my hopes and dreams...I love you with the deepest part of my soul.  I have always believed in you and I will always fight for you today, and every day for as long as I do live.  You did not deserve this.  You did not ask for this and there is NOTHING anyone can ever say or do that will ever change my regard for the person you were, the man you had become and the child who loved me unconditionally.  Our hearts will always miss you, my son, but you will have justice...if its the last thing I do.  One day we will all have peace. 
Merry Christmas my love, we have your so called friend, right where we want him.....

His Warmth Is Still With Us

My dearest Sydnie sent me an amazing writing today.  It brightened my soul and it was most definitely what Daniel would want us to know. I am going to paraphrase it, not alter it’s meaning, to suit just how I think Daniel would have it read: (not everyone will appreciate this…but those who knew Daniel so well will understand why I found it especially suited to him)

A Scientific look at what we are…and how we beam our light and life long after we are gone.

“If I could have a physicist to speak at my funeral this is what I would have wanted him to say. I would want him  to talk to my grieving family and all my friends about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that my energy has not died. I would want him to remind my sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. I want my mother to know that all my energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. I want the physicist to tell my weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, I gave as good as I got. I did my best.

And at one point I would want the physicist to step down from the pulpit and walk to my broken hearted brother and sister there in the front row and tell them that all the photons that ever bounced off my face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by my smile, by the touch of my hair, my hugs, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by me. And as my friends rock in the arms of each other, may he let them know that all the photons that bounced from me were gathered in the particle detectors that are their eyes, that those photons created within them, constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy, will go on forever.

And the physicist would remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There maybe a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through me in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And I would want the physicist to explain to those who loved me, let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. I hope my family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know my energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of me is gone; I’m just less orderly.”

Daniel was a very deep soul who would have been comforted by reading this.  I know he is always with us.  In our hearts, our thoughts, our every day.

My god I miss him…