Here I am :) I have been without a computer for quite a long time! When I logged on tonight for the first time in almost 3 months, I found a few posts that didn't make it to the blog. (I'm not sure why either???) But, I thought I would post them one at a time....this one is from the summer sometime. July I believe. It's amazing because I would have probably started a new post exactly the same way....
It sometimes takes a lot to write on here. As you may have noticed, it's been a while. Lot's of things have happened...and in my complete avoidance....I didn't even write on here for Daniel's birthday. It's been really hard, and easier to just avoid my feelings, my thoughts and the reality that he indeed is not coming back. Welcome to a mother's new stage of grief. Avoidance and non acceptance. It is a fact that for the last 2 months, literally, I have been pushing away my feelings. I cry alone, I have awful thoughts and I am trying SO hard to continue on as though things are the way they are supposed to be. But its total bullshit. things are not as they should be, and I am not ok. My children are having an awful time...and life, for the rest of the world has gone on. It's HAD to. That's what life does. But as the days have got warmer (finally) and the summer is here (again, finally), things feel like they did almost one whole year ago. The world smells and feels like it did last August...and it sucks. I decided I should write on here to try to sort through some of the things because, in lots of ways it does help....and yet I have waited this long to try.....Interesting how when time passes, it is actually harder and harder to get back into it.
We celebrated Daniel's birthday with a big party in May. He would have been 21. It was actually a wonderful time. 80 of us got together for an amazing dinner and drinks...celebrating the life that once was. Before our meal, we released scores of red balloons into the bright blue sky, with notes of love tied to the strings. It was amazing to see how many people came to show their love and support for a soul taken too soon. The dinner was full of laughs, and a few tears, but mostly cathartic thoughts, words and hugs. It's quite amazing actually to watch his friends be happy together. To share stories about their new lives (as we know, losing Daniel was not the only tragedy they all faced). Its beautiful to see them make a big deal over Joel and Lainey, just as Daniel would want them too. He really did choose amazing people to share his life with. As most of you know Daniel was very much a social butterfly. What he lacked in his life with family relationships, he made up ten fold with the people he shared his music, love and thoughts with. I know there were some very "lost" times for him. Times when he and I were fighting, when he wasn't feeling like he "fit in"., when I was busy with his siblings. I truly missed out on a lot of things that I wished I hadn't...but I know that's how it goes with teens. (especially musician teens :) ). He was loved and cherished wherever he went. The countless letters and stories I have heard from all the people in his life, he truly had a minute or an hour or an entire evening for anyone who needed him. What a great guy. We really miss him. It only seemed right that we all be together to raise a glass to the "boyish man who thinks in song". Just as he would have us do if he were still with us on this earth.
As we watched the scores of beautiful red balloons fill the sky the afternoon of his birthday...I smiled through the tears because I know for a fact, that he was smiling too. That beautiful, wonderful smile.
Happy late birthday Daniel xo
