February 17 1995. A day forever ingrained in my heart and burned in my mind. It was a cold and snowy morning, the day that my life changed forever. The direction of all my hopes, dreams and innocence was beyond shattered. Beside me that morning when I went in to check on the baby, wondering why he was sleeping so late, was my Daniel. Just three and a half he was, a little boy. And in an instant.....our world was destroyed. As I reached into my baby's crib Daniel said "Wake up my baby brother".... as I touched his cold little cheek....I screamed. My Granny and Mum were visiting us and were able to whisk Daniel into my bedroom and lock the door. He did not witness the ensuing chaos, but if you asked him...he felt like he did. February 17th, 1995....Daniel went from being a big brother, to being an only child. And I went from being a mum of 2 boys, to having only one.
I have shared before how Daniel was my reason to live on those first months. I spent more than one day at the beginning laying on my bed crying....tears falling down my cheeks, and he would lay beside me, wiping each tear away, one by one, each as they fell. "Please Mummy, don't cry" I tried to be brave, but I was young...and lost.
As we lived our life without the baby, we always talked about him, much like we do now with Daniel. Daniel grew up telling stories about his brother. Drawing pictures in school and proudly including his brother in every "info" session when asked about his life. When Daniel again became a big brother, he made sure both Joel and Lainey knew all there was to know about their angel in heaven. As a matter of fact, I think Lainey was about 4 years old before she realized that she had never actually met him.
I can't say that I did everything right when it came to guiding Daniel through that very hurtful, confusing time. I did the best I could, and so did he. We talked all the time about seeing him again some day, ever wondering if he would still be a baby, knowing he was our angel.
Daniel dreaded today. No one who knew me then, and some that know me now, can't help but reflect on this day.....Daniel wrote about it...in a way, it kind of defined us...my oldest son and I...bonding in a most unique way. The same way I now bond with Joel and Lainey.
Joel looked like him, Lainey reminded me of him when she was a baby...the sweetness, a good sleeper. He loved Bambi, Tonka trucks, Cars and fish. He would sit with Daniel and endure "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" sometimes twice a day it was Daniel's most favorite...because of the singing I am sure (and the hot chick). He would ask questions and Daniel would explain who was who, although Daniel would be annoyed with him if, from one time to the next he couldn't be certain which "Dorf" was which. They were so cute. I bet they are cute together again. Catching up on all that's passed. What a reunion it must have been. I know my Kristian Jaymes was the first to greet Daniel that day. With open arms, saying "You're finally here my big brother...oh how I have missed you" I can see it all in my mind, and feel it in my heart. My two boys together again. Steven's children. Now they wait for us.
Lainey shared with me tonight that although she never got to meet the baby, she has had more dreams about him since Daniel has gone, than she has even had of Daniel himself. She has dreamed of her and him playing at the beach, hugging, kissing. Her carrying him on her hip, and him gazing at her beautiful face. She's building memories with him now, and I thank Daniel for that, her dreams are now possible because of him. How blessed is she to be able to see that beautiful baby. I envy it.
I feel guilty now and then, about how 17 years and the death of Daniel has in some strange way, dulled the pain of losing the baby. Even though a fourth of my heart was missing, I managed to get through these 17 years. I cried buckets shortly after Daniel was gone, wailing about how I forgot how it felt to lose him because of the all consuming loss of Daniel....and this time it was Joel who wiped my tears. Physically from my now not so young face, saying "Don't cry Mummy, Kiki knows you love him too...It's okay to let go of some of that pain, Because both pains are too much" Sheesh, where do these kids come from??? My amazing children. I am truly the luckiest, unlucky girl in all the world.
Kristian Jaymes Levesque March 3 1993 - February 17 1995. Always my little angel....
