Three Tear-filled Years

Whomever can believe that it's been three years put up their hand.....Seems nearly impossible while reflecting on those terrible first days after losing Daniel. To be perfectly honest I didn't know if I would even make it one day sometimes, never mind three years.  But as the days have turned into years, the tears and grief can not be accounted for on any earthly calendar.  It is, indeed, fair to say that the heart's timing is much different.

The grief of losing a child does not get easier over  time, believe me.  Does life go on? Yes.  But with every passing day and minute, grief does not let you forget everything our child has missed.  So much has happened in three years, and Daniel has missed it all.

As I write this now, it has been precisely three years to the minute that I last spoke to Daniel.  He woke up on this exceptionally beautiful day (not unlike today) happy and excited.  His life was coming together, so he thought, and that very day was one he truly was excited for.  Little did he know that it would be his very last.  As he prepared himself for his "planned day" he also packed his suitcase for his pending trip home, and of course, he didn't forget to text his Mum.

The last conversation I had with him I told him how much I loved him and how very very proud I was of him.  I'm so glad I told him that.  To every parent out there, make sure your children always know the extent of your love for them, for until they are parents themselves they really can't fathom the deep rooted aching love we have in our actual souls for them.

While Daniel prepared for his day, someone else was planning his day too.

August third has seared a hole in my whole being.  Although I wasn't aware of his death until the next morning, I can't stop myself from reliving what it must have been like for Daniel as he lay dying, wondering why this could have happened.  As he was rushed to the hospital while the medics tried to revive him and save his life, his beautiful heart couldn't take the trauma, sadness and betrayal.  He must have been so sad and scared.  And alone.   No matter how old your baby is, you wish you could take away their hurt and pain. I wish so much I was there.  Even if I could have held his hand as he drifted away.  So I could tell him one last time how much I love him and how very very proud I am of him.

I had never seen this picture of Daniel before today.  Thank you Papa

Believe me when I say that we don't want to be sad and sombre today   We don't wish for attention and special treatment.  We have all been told or treated like we should get over it.  What people who have hearts of ice see is a family who carries on and doesn't cry every day. What's the big deal?  It was three years ago?  Ha.  If anyone out there reading this has ANY love for their own child or children please don't judge us by the same measure as the average family.  For families who have lost children are NEVER EVER EVER the same again.
And speaking on behalf of every grieving parent, I can truly say, we all understand life and love a lot differently than most.  We laugh not as often as we used to, we cry a lot easier than we once did and we have a hope as desperate as ever before, that we won't lose another. (And never forget Steven has none left to lose)  Pain sculpts us, whether we like it or not.

I do believe that some of the raw grief and tummy aches we get are in part because the lack of closure.  Looming over our heads is a trial set for the end of January 2015.  Not a soul alive on this planet who knew and loved Daniel could ever downplay the tragedy of this trial surrounding his death, and just as importantly the manner of which he died.  In all of our hearts we know Daniel was FAR too important to too many people to have him ripped away.  We also all know of his innocence and integrity and his absolute devastation to leave this world in such a way.  I can only hope that he can not know what we are feeling on this earth and the fear and sadness this trial will bring to us all.  Daniel would die another day to spare us this agony.  He loved us all far too much to want to see us suffer at the hands of a potentially unfair justice system.

Among the many milestones Daniel has missed, besides 3 birthdays, 3 Christmas', 3 summers and winters. Mirra, Scarlet, Danyka, all his big cousins babies. He most importantly has missed watching his sister and brother grow up to be as amazing as him.  We all see so much of him in both of them and they really are exceptional in every way.  As Daniel would have the entire world know, Joel and Lainey made him proud every single day.  The love between these three siblings is and always will be as wonderful as they are.  I, myself, often marvel as I see how much they miss each other when they are apart and wish for only the best for each other in every way.  Of course this sibling love isn't completely unique, it is however rare and true.  Daniel's death has left an unhealed wound on the very hearts of the two that loved him like no other.  It's not fair.  And as I raise my fist in the air wanting to know why this has to happen to these lovely innocents, I see no real reason  for it.  What a shitty way to learn at such young ages that life is truly not fair.

It would be super easy for me to continue to write for hours about my feelings and how much we miss and love Daniel but I do not think it is always right or fair to burden so many with all this raw hurt.  I do wish though, that maybe as you read this you understand how much grieving families need more understanding and love than others.  To all the people who have sent us love today and everyday, please know that it is that very love that will get us through the next three years and beyond.  Without remembering and without love, we all lose.  Love is all we need.

"There is a sacredness in tears.  

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. 

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition 

and of unspeakable love"

Here's to the 20 years of Daniel we did get!  Remember his smile, his love and his gracious, thankful being.  What we all wouldn't give for one more hug.

One Love.  Always.

We Are Part of One Another Beyond This World

Well, so much for posting something I wrote in August.  I didn't do it.  I said I would write when I am less bitter and angry, but I guess that day has really never come. I think now, more than ever, I feel so ripped off.  I miss Daniel more than I can bare some days...my grief has taken a whole new path.

Maybe because tomorrow is Mother's Day, maybe because we have lost someone so dear to our whole family today, or maybe now just because it is time...I write.  Writing really does help.  Me at least.  It doesn't necessarily make me feel closer to Daniel or less sad but there is something about putting my feelings into words that has some valuable therapy to it.  This is something I encourage all who are trying desperately to carry a heavy burden on your hearts.

I started this blog at Steven's encouragement.  I am glad he suggested it.  It started out being a place where we could share our thoughts and memories about Daniel.  I thought I would write many times all the cute and funny stuff he used to say and do.  Like when I was pregnant with Joel and I asked him,
"Daniel, what do you think we should call your new baby brother or sister? Have you thought of any names?"  A question I sincerely asked because I thought it would be quite amazing if I could tell him one day that he named his sibling.  Keeping in mind he was only 5 at the time.
He thought quite earnestly on the question and said very matter of fact,
"Mummy, what do you think of the name Stan?"   Haha 
I am sure Joel is pleased I didn't choose Stan but for all of his friends can you come up with why he liked that name?? Well OF COURSE it's because it rhymes with Dan.  I just know it :)

Now that I have shared a cute story, it makes me happy because all I really want to do is write about how sad I really am.  I am so sad.  Steven is so sad. We all are.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  How blessed am I to  be the mother of such amazing kids.  Joel and Lainey's love is what gets me through the very tough days.  If it wasn't for them there is no doubt in my mind I would give up.  And celebrating in Heaven are my two most beautifuls who, I was so lucky to have had in my life, no matter for how short a time.  So many days I have wished I wasn't me.  But I remind myself constantly that if I wasn't, I wouldn't know the joy these children have brought me.

Only the heart of a mother who has stood at the grave of their lost child can understand the absolute aching sorrow that I feel.  Each and every day.  It truly is a miracle that we all can even carry on with our day to day lives, never mind function so well that the general public, some of our colleagues and friends etc., think we are "over it".  The pain in my heart never leaves.  Like a broken leg that never heals - you can remember what it was like when the pain wasn't there, but every step you take you feel it.  Sometimes I find it hard to even breathe.  Its a true and physical pain it the pit of my soul.

Rhonda Brunetti, Frankie's mum, posted one of the most powerful sentiments on my FB wall today.  I want to share it with you.

My Mom is unlike any other mom.

She has plenty of regrets and she dwells on them often.She's often not kind to herself.

She has made her share of mistakes and she says how sorry she is for them.

Yet, she has loved me with every fiber of her being since I came into her life.

She did her best to take care of me then.  She does her best to take care of me now.

Because the day I died, my Mom changed.

And I know she will never be the same.

Every day is a struggle for her. She puts on her brave face and shares me with others 

when she can.

When she feels the heaviness of my absence, she cries in the car, and in the shower, 

and in the bed, 

and in church and on walks until there are no more tears left for that day.

Somehow she finds the will to live from one second until the next.

She remembers me through every season, through ordinary days and on special days.

She whispers to me "I love you.  I miss you" faithfully when others can not hear her.

She tends my grave, she holds my ashes, she cuddles my blankets, she lays in my bed.

My mom wants to bring me back, she'd give anything to bring me back. But she knows she can't.

So she brings my love into the world by helping many others who are suffering and she holds me

in her heart with every act of compassion.

Her love for me is more powerful than any force in the Universe.

And mine for her.

We are a part of one another beyond this world.

I wish that the world could know how fragile our hearts are.  That when one word or action seems so harmless to some, it can shatter an already aching heart.  That no matter how much time passes, nothing will change this.  We live in a selfish world.   Kindness to others should be paramount in this life...we never really know what each others hearts are feeling.  I, for one, am sorry for ever complicating any one's life.  I wish only for peace in my heart and the same for others who are struggling with loss and hurt.

I miss my boys.  Today and every day.


Today the world lost a dear man.  A husband, a Daddy, a Papa, a best friend.
If he hadn't left us so soon, I wanted to tell him to give my sweet boys a kiss from me...but I didn't get a chance to say good bye. 
He is Home.  With his own Mum for Mother's Day. How wonderful.
I will never forget you Uncle Ron. xox

One Love for all.  That's my wish

Stace

Taylor

PREFACE:

Well, just as I signed on today it says I haven't blogged since February.  Needless to say if there was a ton of things to report I guess I would have written sooner.  I did write something for August that I will post shortly, just waiting to feel less angry and bitter.  As I reread some of what I had to say on the second anniversary of Daniel's passing, I feel quite sad at how bitter I really am.  It truly is amazing how harsh life can be, how confusing and challenging. It can be sweet, but with that comes guilt that maybe we should always be sad.  Regardless, I will post my August entry in the next few days but for today...its about Taylor :)

September 21 2013

Today is Taylor Roberts birthday and from Daniel's whole family, I want it known how amazing we think you are Tay :)

For those of you who don't know Taylor, he is one of the three "Blackbirds" Daniel and Taylor spent hours and hours in their teen years playing guitar in the "garage". 

Taylor.  Happy Birthday.  I hope you always know how much you meant to Daniel.  You were his brother, his friend, his love.  You and your family gave him a warm place when things were confusing for him (and for me) You spent many a day listening to him and his heart.  His advice and his knowledge.  You loved him unconditionally through the good and bad. He always knew he had a place with you.  Your mother and father loved him and listened to him, gave him advice and cared very much about his hopes and dreams.  For all of this, I am ever grateful.  Like Daniel, my friends ARE my family so I completely understand his love for you all. 

Taylor, you are now older than Daniel will ever be.  You are a loving father to Mirra and I know Daniel's smile shines down on you and your little family every day.  He was so proud of you for being a man when you found out about your little sunshine.  As hard as it was at times, he knew you would be the most wonderful.  You and Jackie have been so generous with your love to Lainey, Joel and I and we can not thank you both enough for sharing Mirra with us as well. (especially Lainey...Mirra lives in her heart I hope they are always close)

May this year bring triumphs and joy for you, beautiful Taylor.  May the love and joy in your heart spill over day after day knowing that you are not alone.  The friendship you have with Daniel supersedes this earthly life, and some day we will all be together again, singing and joyful forever more.

Thank you Taylor, for loving my boy so much.  We all love you right back xoxox

Grief Never Fails

It`s been a while since I have last blogged and I feel bad.  I feel bad that it takes a major melt down to inspire me to get writing.  I guess in the early days of our tragedy, it seemed natural to write often about how sad we all are.  And now, not that our sadness has diminished, we are all just trudging our way through life, making the best of things, and carrying on.

Tonight I have chosen to write not about how much I still miss Daniel, because frankly, you all already know that.  Instead I have decided to write about continuing grief, days gone by and things that only people who have experienced epic loss can relate to, and people who haven`t will maybe understand.

I am not the same person I was.  What woman cant say that when they compare how they were in there twenties to now.  It seems like a trite statement but the fact is, I will never feel normal again.

People often marvel at my strength.  I am strong, I know this.  I am resilient, I roll with the punches and when life seems not at all worth living, I pick myself up and keep on keeping on.  I am in many ways proud of myself for not giving up.  I take great stock in knowing that because I was a good parent before we lost Daniel, that I continue to strive to raise well adjusted children.  I acknowledge that I am not perfect, I am deeply flawed in many areas.  Some I can help and some I can not.  In light of recent facebook posts about anxiety disorders, I am here to admit that I have suffered in silence for many years from chronic anxiety.  I can`t help it, it affects my every day and losing Daniel sure didn`t help.

This time of year is especially hard.  This coming Sunday marks 18 years since I found Daniel`s brother in his crib that fateful day.  Without going into all the details, (I think I have blogged about it in the past), the day is forever etched in my memory, with my toddler Daniel by my side.  This day, February 17th, is two weeks exactly from Kristian`s birthday so needless to say, it`s just a hard time for me. I dread the day, it haunts me.  Much like August 3rd. I can tell you that the anticipation is far worse than the actual day itself.  It is impossible for me to get through without the constant aching heart...over and above all the other things that go on, because unfortunately, life keeps on going even when my mind and heart are living in the past.

Tonight specifically, after struggling for the last couple of weeks not managing my anxiety as much as I would like, having begun a new direction with my career, having allowed myself to feel good feelings that I haven`t felt in ages....I lost it.  I went to my room and cried uncontrollably for hours.  Part way through my solo meltdown my sister in law Jennifer called me.  For those of you who don`t know my love for Jennifer, know this now. She is my family, she holds my heart and she is easily one of my best friends.  We are attached in some unexplainable cosmic way, that even though we had made plans to talk, she knew exactly when to call.  What`s wrong, she asked.  My response went something like this...I don`t know.  Everything and nothing specific.  I miss my boys.  I miss Daniel.  I can`t believe he`s gone I just want him to come home.  How could this happen. I think I am crazy.  I can`t handle normal situations.  I don`t want this anymore.  Why is this so hard.  Sorry Jennifer, I didn`t mean to cry.  I want my old life back, the life that didn`t know what it was like to hurt so much.  I am sorry, I will stop.  I shouldn`t cry...on and on.  Thankfully she knows I am not crazy.  And although she doesn`t pretend to know all the answers, she had a lot of really amazing things to say.  She shared with me that she has started reading an amazing new book called Transcending Loss by Ashley Davis Bush.  She read me excerpts of it and shared some really great analogies with me.  Which brings me to what I am trying to say tonight.

As the book reads, it says exactly the truth of how I feel.  I am never going to be the same person I once was.  Having experienced such life altering tragedy, not once but twice, I now have three specific parts to my life.  Before the baby died, after the baby died and after I lost Daniel.  They are, without a word of a lie, how I remember certain parts of what has made me, me.  People who know me well definitely hear me say...just before I lost Daniel....or....before I lost the baby etc.  I am a life of sections, whether I like it or not.  I punish myself for being happy, I worry people think I have forgotten, I have not a lot of room in my broken heart for added feelings, good or bad.  And I suffer for it.  My future will suffer for it.  My newly formed friendships present and future, will suffer for it.  For this very minute, as I scan the last few months, I see a girl going through the motions of life.  I am often vacant, not always present in the moment, but always with a brave face.  And when the going get tough....I cry. I mourn not only the loss of innocence, remembering all the good times when I hadn`t had to bury my children, but I also mourn the great sadness that envelopes me, thinking of how my heart is so sore, it can`t take much more than coasting through life as it is right now.  Jennifer explained it to me like this.

Imagine being on an airplane.  You take off on a journey scared and nervous.  You hit rain, thunder, lightning and turbulence.  As you grip the armrest it crosses your mind endlessly whether you`re going to make it.  You battle through the darkness, the storm and suddenly, you rise above the awfulness and you hit the blue skies.  You look out the window and you see the storm underneath you.  You know it`s there and you don`t want to go back in.  Its sunny and smooth above it.  It doesn`t mean you wont have to travel the storm again.  Turbulence and darkness are a part of the journey but for now, you`re above it.  

I really liked that description and it is exactly how this journey of grief has been.  People who have experienced great loss can, when not being overwhelmed by anxiety, transcend the storm and float in the blue skies.  We can give ourselves the permission to be happy.  It doesn`t mean that we have forgotten our loved ones.  It only means that we have adapted to the NEW normal and we press on. Those blue skies are me coasting.

For those of you who know me or know others who have gone through unimaginable loss, thank you for your patience and understanding.  For those of you who still suffer in silence the daily struggles with anxiety or depression, please know you`re not alone.  And specifically to those people who share my life, thank you for rallying me through the crazy, dark, scary days....I will bounce back.   I will laugh and giggle. And I will be brave .

Stace


http://www.amazon.ca/Transcending-Loss-Ashley-Davis-Bush/dp/042515775X

http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/anxiety-disorders/

Merry Christmas Daniel

So here we are, two days from Christmas when most everyone in the world is or has been preparing for the holiday season.  Shopping is done, turkeys are thawing the trees are up.  Daniel loved Christmas.  And even though so many people say that Christmas isn't about presents and gifts, Daniel meant it when he said it.  He clearly loved the presents he received, for he was quite blessed to be able to have two full Christmas' almost every single year.  You see, Daniel's father's birthday is tomorrow (Christmas Eve) and most every year Steven was here in Revelstoke visiting his and Lisa's families as well, of course, as Daniel.  Christmas Eve was always spent at Grandma and Papa's house first with Steven's birthday celebration then with Christmas gifts.  Then...sleepy little (and big) Daniel would come home to me and hit his pillow like a ton of bricks...somewhat excited to have Santa come.  He used to write the funniest letters to him, and yes I have saved them all.  The funny thing about little Daniel (and big) is that I would always wake up first on Christmas Morning...and putter around trying to make lots of noise to wake him up...and he never did!  Every Christmas morning I would go into his room and say "Daniel...Santa was here"  and finally he would get up.  He was never one to want or need a million things.  Daniel really was a pleaser..he just wanted everyone he loved to be together and be happy.  Boy, we miss that.

It strikes me as no coincidence that on Friday, just a few days before Christmas, when his Dad is already in Revelstoke, his brother and sister are free from school and upon my return from my trip I got quite an amazing bit of news.  When I turned my phone on I had a few messages from some of my contacts in Victoria asking me to call them.  I told myself, in my head, that I should call when I get home...but I couldn't wait.  I went into a quiet part  of the station and called Det. Mike Darling.  What he said to me, and how he said it, I will never forget.  He informed me that the Crown, having reviewed the package they had put together for the last 16 months, had approved the charge of FIRST DEGREE MURDER  in Daniel's death and that Joshua Tyler Bredo was taken into custody in Okotoks Alberta earlier in the day. My legs buckled and I lost my breath. I feel kinda silly that I went momentarily hysterical on the phone (poor Mike, not that its the first time he has heard me like that) . First Degree??  Really??  Never in my wildest dreams did I EVER see that actually coming to light. 

Through some of my writing on here perhaps you can see that I have from DAY ONE believed that this was premeditated murder.  Although I have done my best to be graceful with my grief and be strong...I have made no mistake on what my heart has been telling me.  Clearly, being the mother of a murder victim, one would perhaps assume that it would always seem logical that I would see it that way, but it was more than my mother's heart telling me this.  I kid you not, since the day I buried my boy, I have been solving his murder in my head.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I knew a lot of what led up to that day.  I listened to every person who had anything to add to the whole situation and I put it all together.  As I have said before, Daniel was not leaving that apartment alive.  This was planned.

Because I have been so well coached and have had all the questions about the court processed so intricately explained, I was very well aware and prepared for the fact that what the police think happened and what they can prove are vastly different things.  Also, the Crown will not just flippantly throw around any kind of charge that they think they might not be able to make stick.  So first degree murder seemed miles away.  But here we are.  And although I know no real details on what new evidence or what kind of light was shed on this case, it doesn't even matter, here we are, and it is the best possible path we could be taking.  Call it what you want, be it Daniel's handy work, all that prayer...whatever, we wouldn't be at this stage if we didn't all believe in Daniel and want the truth to be heard.

I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has supported our family over these last 16 months.  To my friends who have loved me even through all the pain and crazy times. My employer Canadian Pacific and my colleagues who have been compassionate and understanding I am eternally grateful.  To the community of Revelstoke and beyond, who have supported us with well wishes and prayers.  To Daniel's friends who haven't forgotten about us, always making sure to include us in their lives even now. To my beautiful children who have given me a reason to keep it together, even when I didn't want to. To Steven, for giving me my beautiful son. But most of all, I reserve the most infinite thanks to Constable Margo Downey, Det. Mike Darling and every member of the team whom I have never even met, for never giving up and losing hope.  For fighting for a boy they had never been blessed to meet on this earth, for giving up time with their own families over all these months, losing sleep, and even when it seemed hopeless, they pressed on, all of them.  I can not begin to understand what it must take to investigate such tragedies, and although I know it's their job, I also know, it's who they are , not just what they do that makes families, such as mine, find some sort of peace when they can.  Although I can not possibly know how this is all going to turn out, I do have some sense of relief that the right person is now, and forevermore, being held accountable for the events that took place on August 3, 2011 in that Cormorant Street apartment.  The very worst day of my life.

As we all begin this new journey, please remember us in your prayers and intentions, continue to wish us strength and peace.  I am scared to death.  I already know that the pain isn't over, and the anticipation of a trial and all the lies that awful person is going to tell, will be unbearable to hear but are still nothing like the words "Daniel is never coming home".

Daniel Jordan Levesque, my first born son, my child, my hopes and dreams...I love you with the deepest part of my soul.  I have always believed in you and I will always fight for you today, and every day for as long as I do live.  You did not deserve this.  You did not ask for this and there is NOTHING anyone can ever say or do that will ever change my regard for the person you were, the man you had become and the child who loved me unconditionally.  Our hearts will always miss you, my son, but you will have justice...if its the last thing I do.  One day we will all have peace. 
Merry Christmas my love, we have your so called friend, right where we want him.....

His Warmth Is Still With Us

My dearest Sydnie sent me an amazing writing today.  It brightened my soul and it was most definitely what Daniel would want us to know. I am going to paraphrase it, not alter it’s meaning, to suit just how I think Daniel would have it read: (not everyone will appreciate this…but those who knew Daniel so well will understand why I found it especially suited to him)

A Scientific look at what we are…and how we beam our light and life long after we are gone.

“If I could have a physicist to speak at my funeral this is what I would have wanted him to say. I would want him  to talk to my grieving family and all my friends about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that my energy has not died. I would want him to remind my sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. I want my mother to know that all my energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. I want the physicist to tell my weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, I gave as good as I got. I did my best.

And at one point I would want the physicist to step down from the pulpit and walk to my broken hearted brother and sister there in the front row and tell them that all the photons that ever bounced off my face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by my smile, by the touch of my hair, my hugs, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by me. And as my friends rock in the arms of each other, may he let them know that all the photons that bounced from me were gathered in the particle detectors that are their eyes, that those photons created within them, constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy, will go on forever.

And the physicist would remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There maybe a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through me in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And I would want the physicist to explain to those who loved me, let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. I hope my family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know my energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of me is gone; I’m just less orderly.”

Daniel was a very deep soul who would have been comforted by reading this.  I know he is always with us.  In our hearts, our thoughts, our every day.

My god I miss him…

A Word From Joel

Hello there.  My name is Joel and I am Daniel's baby brother.  For those of you who don't know I am the third born of four children.  I have two older brothers, one of whom I never met.  His name is Kristian Jaymes.  He died before I was born.  He is three years older than me.  When I see pictures of him, I do see a strong resemblance to me.  Maybe because we were both blonde?  I'm not sure. 

Daniel and Kiki

Daniel and me

My oldest brother is Daniel, and for those of you reading this, he has probably touched your life in some way.  I want to tell you how he touched mine, and how his death has affected me, and my family.

For as long as I can remember, Daniel was who I wanted to be.  Him and I were much different.  In most ways.  Although he was a natural at sports, he didn't like hockey like I do.  He was a really good reader, something I am not.  He was talented in poetry and music, and although I try, it's not my thing.  But we were still very close.  I looked up to him.  He was my older brother and my hero.  He never fought with me, he never yelled at me.  I always knew I was his treasure.  Daniel was five years old when I was born.  My Mum says he was so happy to have another brother.  He cuddled with me, he read to me and he let me watch him, play video games (as long as I was quiet).  As we grew up (and Lainey came into our lives)  He taught me respect, love and compassion.  When he was a teenager, I saw him get in trouble with our Mum sometimes, and he was sure to tell me (once they made up) to not do the things he did. Because, as he said, our Mum didn't need more trouble.  I guess he kind of broke the way for me.  I looked so forward to being a teenager, so we could talk about girls together.

Before Daniel moved to Victoria, we said our goodbyes.  I could not have known that it would be the last time I would ever see him.  When he hugged me, so tight, he whispered in my ear "Please take care of Mum and Lainey ok?  You're the man of the house now.  They are your girls"  I will never forget those words.

AUGUST 4, 2011

On August fourth 2011, I was going to get up early and go to the gym.  Mum had just come to get me from Lillooet the night before, and it was just her and I at home that morning.  I will never forget that day for as long as I live.  The smell of the morning, the heat, the sound of the knock at the door.  My alarm had just gone off but I hadn't got out of bed yet when I heard it.  I kind of panicked because I thought I was running late and my ride was already waiting.  I rushed to answer the knock.  When I opened the door there was a police man there.  He asked for my Mum.  I thought I had maybe done something wrong.  My first thought was that my basketball hoop must be too close to the road.  When I called for my mother, I think she must have known right away what was going on, she yelled for Daniel as she ran to my side.   I stood there beside her when the officer took off his hat.  He asked her name and then broke the news to her.  I watched as the woman I love more than anything in the world, listened to the police tell her, that Daniel was dead.  DEAD.  He was dead.  I couldn't even move.  I could hardly breath, I couldn't talk and I couldn't even help my Mum as I watched her fall to the floor.  The scream that came from her was something I hope never to hear from any other human being again.  It can't be described.  Then I realized...my brother was gone. 
It hit me.  At 15 years old maybe I don't really understand death, or didn't until now.  My mother was just told, in front of me, that now she has only two children left.  And now I am the oldest.

NOW I AM THE OLDEST

In one second I went from being the third born to my mother's oldest living child.  I cried very little.  I watched as people came and went.  I shot hoops, I tried to comfort my little sister.  But really, I was in shock.  My oldest brother was murdered.  And now we are planning a funeral.  All the days  are kind of blurry and we made it.  But it's been a rough road at times.

LOVE FOR DANIEL

I have tried to think of ways to honour Daniel.  We miss him every day.  That's why we wear the red bracelets. They are important to me and my family.  It's not like we need to be reminded about him, because we miss him every day, but when I see my friends, Daniel's friends and even strangers wearing them, I know they are fighting for him like we are.  We want justice and peace.

LIFE AFTER

I can not tell you how it is to live at my house.  At least, not well enough for people to understand the magnitude of our grief.  We have our good days and bad.  Last night my Mum and Lainey and Daisy and I went up to the cemetery at 11pm to cover my brothers headstones with the boxes Mr Howard helped me make in wood work last year.  I saw my Mum break down crying about how cold it was.  There is something about the first snow fall every year for her.  Here is a picture I took this September.

They are now covered with cedar boxes, that are now covered with snow.  My poor Mum goes here often.  And she cries and cries.  And I help her clean up the dead flowers.  And every time, I help her back to the car.  It's the saddest thing you could ever see.  A mother at the grave of her two sons.


WHY I AM WRITING THIS

I am not writing for extra sympathy.  We know people are sad for us.  I am writing for two reasons.  I am now 16 years old and doing the best I can being a man around the house.  Helping my sister and my Mum through hard times and remembering my brother who I loved SO MUCH...every day.  I see my Mum go to work.  She tries really hard but I am SICK AND TIRED of the extra grief she gets from certain people in this town.  No one sees what she goes through at home.  Her heart is broken and if you can believe there are people who are very unkind.  Believe me, she doesn't need this.  She didn't want me to write this part but I can't take it.  If I learned anything from Daniel I learned this...we have to stick up for the ones we love.  And I love her.  So for the certain people out there who make her cry...STOP IT.  We don't want it.  I don't want it and she doesn't deserve it.

I have decided that we need to get some resolution and peace.  My mum and Lainey and I have decided to do a worldwide prayer day.  On December 9th 2012 we are going to gather with our friends and sit down and pray for justice for Daniel. 

Stacey writes: December 9th is one year from the day that the person responsible for Daniel's death was released from jail.  For those of you who don't know, Daniel's death is still considered a homocide and is being investigated actively to this day.  What we want is for everyone reading this to take time out of their day on December 9th to pray for justice.  At 4:00 pm, light a candle and sit and pray.  The thing we want most is accountablity .  We want the guilt in the heart of Joshua Bredo to be too much for him.  We want him to speak up and set the record straight, because Daniel can't.  We want the investigators to look at the case with fresh eyes and see what maybe isnt obvious to them at the moment.  We want movement, we want answers.  Daniel very much believed in prayer.  He believed in the higher power of God and so do we.  For those of different beliefs, please just sit still and send the right intentions to the right places.  Concentrate hard on the outcome we want.  What you read in the papers isn't the whole story, please believe us and please help us.  We will gather in numbers here, and we hope all of you all over the world will do the same.  Please help us.  Daniel is and always will be, a victim.

My life as a teenage boy isn't how it should be.  I shouldn't now be the oldest.  I shouldn't have to watch Lainey and Mum cry themselves to sleep and you're right...it isn't fair.  Daniel will not see me graduate.  He will not be the best man at my wedding and he will not hold my future children.  He will always be the "Uncle" they never knew...and the brother I miss every day.  He was Steve's only living child and its not fair.  I love Steve and Lisa, I love my grandparents and Daniel's grandparents and I watch them cry because Daniel was ripped out of their lives.  I am mad.  I know it's not good and Daniel would want me to not have anger but I  cant help it.  I want my brother back but I can't have him because of that terrible person hit him on the head and he died.  I have to live with this for always.  And no one really understands.  I wish everyday I was a normal 16 year old boy, but I am not.  Joshua Bredo took that luxury away from me when he killed my brother.

Thank you for reading my story, it wasn't easy to write.  I just wish more people could understand that even though life goes on...it really doesn't for us.  Although we wear smiles on our faces, like my Mum says...our joy will never be so joyful as it once was, our sunny days aren't quite as sunny...and I will always think about that day when I open the door.....